Why being alone can be the best thing for you.
A surprising number of people fear being alone. Maybe just about all of us do to some extent.
We fear being without a partner, or friends and family. We fear traveling alone in strange places, lost without anyone to ask for help. We fear taking on life without help, for fear of failure.
This is natural, this fear of being alone. We’ve all felt it, deep within us, though we try desperately to avoid this fear.
And this is the cause of our misery: to avoid this fear of being alone, we will socialize endlessly, including on social networks and email. To avoid being alone, we’ll end up with someone who isn’t really good for us, just to have someone to cling to, someone to rely on. We’ll eat junk food or shop to comfort ourselves, because these things are replacements for love.
But here’s the secret: being alone is empowering. The quiet of being alone is joyful.
We tend to see aloneness as bleak, depressing, scary. But it can be seen as freeing, as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to get to know yourself.
This is something I’ve been learning the hard way. I had the fear of aloneness for many years, but learning emotional self-sufficiency is one of the best things I’ve done.
Sit quietly for a minute, now, and turn inward. Who are you? What are you capable of? What do you think about?
Can you accept yourself, when you look closely at yourself?
Can you see the beauty in yourself, as you learn something new? As you contemplate life?
This is nothing to fear, but to celebrate. Aloneness is beauty.
Traveling Through Life Alone
But isn’t it scary to travel the world alone? To go through life alone if you feel unprepared?
Yes, it can be scary. That’s the reason to learn to do it.
Don’t know how to find your way in a strange city? Start with the place you live — get lost and find your way back. Learn to use Google Maps, then learn to find visual landmarks. Now branch out into nearby cities. Now take a trip armed with your new skills. Ask for directions. Learn to be OK with getting lost.
Don’t know how to pay bills and manage your life? Start with one bill. Teach yourself life management skills one at a time. Become self-sufficient. It’s better to learn to stand on your own two feet than to have to rely on someone else. If you can be self-sufficient, then relying on someone else is an act of strength, not of weakness.
Don’t know how to protect yourself? Learn to avoid bad situations. Learn to be aware of your surroundings. Learn how to get away. Learn how to defend yourself, at least enough to call for help. You’ll feel more confident in going places alone.
Traveling through life alone is a learning process, but you become stronger as you go. It’s like a child who can’t find his way home alone — doing it the first time is scary, but he’s safer and better off having learned the way.
Relationships and Aloneness
Does learning to be OK with being alone mean you can’t be in a relationship? Not at all — but if you aren’t OK with being alone, then being in a relationship is going to be fundamentally flawed.
Why? Because you become dependent. You need the other person, not only to pay bills and help you manage, not only to protect you and provide for you, but for emotional needs. You need the other person to pay attention to you, to give you validation and comfort and love. Now, all of those things are nice, but needing someone else for them means you become needy, desperate, and those aren’t attractive qualities. Who wants to be in a relationship with a needy, desperate person?
Much more attractive is confidence. And self-sufficiency. And strength.
So learn to be OK with being alone. Learn to provide for all of your emotional needs. Learn that you are OK, just as you are, without anyone else to “complete you”.
What if you’re already in a relationship? This is what I’ve been dealing with myself — it’s still doable. It means noticing when you’re being needy, and backing off. Taking care of your needs yourself. This is a slow process, but it works.
Once you’ve got that down, you are in a much better place to be in a relationship. You’re now two whole people, coming together for the benefit of the both of you.
The Joy of Being Alone
Aloneness can be a scary thing, but it can also be a joyful thing.
You can celebrate the times when you’re alone. Get to know yourself. Do things that rely on very little — reading a good book, writing, playing music, dancing alone, sketching, learning a new skill. Go for hikes, discover the world without needing to instantly share it online.
Be alone and be happy with yourself.
You deserve it.
Originally appeared at Zenhabits.net
Photo Liam Levitz Flickr
for me, solitude is serenity
I too am an introvert but I live a life as a extrovert … it’s always been a struggle because my life is filled with having to interact with many. I need my alone time. One of my favorite activities is a “silent” retreat where I may see others, no one speaks. Allows me time to look inside of me and a lot of prayer. Although I love my family, I can see myself living alone (not that I would ever truly want to) but the idea of having full control of who I see, when and where I see… Read more »
Thanks Leo. As a strong introvert with a pretty extraverted socially active wife I find myself stretching to be with people in a productive way a lot. So my alone time is sacred. I have quite a bit of structured solo work where I don’t talk or even see people for periods of days. I always find that the transition is the hardest. The first day or two I have trouble settling down, keep wondering what the heck I am doing. Then the silence catches me, in a good way. I feel this huge wave of relief. Relaxation at a… Read more »
Sometimes I just want a hug but I’ve learned to go alone, and to count on no one for that. It’s just how it is. And yeah its okay, but I sometimes feel bitter and disconnected.
Agreed… for the longest time, as a gay man, my fear was arriving at a certain age and finding myself desperate for even a token amount of physical intimacy. I used to try tackling that fear by finding someone, anyone who would keep me from being alone. Only, as the saying goes, one can still be lonely even when you’re not alone. With three significantly older sisters, I was never really socially alone, and I learned about relationships early. There was a girl in preschool that I liked, and a new one every year until I started coming out to… Read more »
Well said.
If you’re afraid of being alone, I’d also recommend you do a little reading about the differences between introverts and extraverts. Some of us introverts are fortunate/unfortunate enough to have the opposite but related problem — fear of never having enough time for ourselves. Being surrounded by people, never alone, always socializing, etc., does not have to be “just the way it is.” There are alternatives.
A related question to ponder — am I really afraid to be alone, or am I just afraid of not being like other people?