The Five (Ish) Stages of Rejection in Dating

A few weeks ago, I wrote a story about whether or not we should make the grand gesture in dating (i.e., take the risk, send that text, confess our feelings).

And I did. I asked the guy out on a date. He said yes. I was ecstatic! And then, he ended it abruptly right after.

The 24 hours following was an interesting one. Here’s a small glimpse into what happened:

1. Bargaining. He didn’t want to start something with me because he was moving soon and thought it was best we were “just friends.” I tried to tell him that I had no expectations and we could just hang out for a few months before he had to go. (I’m not proud, but hey, a girl had to try.)
2. Depression. I sat on the train and texted my friend what happened and then felt incredibly sad. What was wrong with me that he didn’t want to pursue me romantically? If I was hotter, thinner, prettier, funnier, x, y, z, he wouldn’t have ended it. Why does it never work out? Why do I keep putting myself out there only to get turned down?
3. Anger. The next morning, I was pissed. It felt like he wasted my time—if he already knew he didn’t want to date, why did he say yes to going out with me? He was texting so enthusiastically before the date. I even got my nails done, did my hair, bought a new shirt, and all for nothing…
4. Depression, again. He probably wanted to see if we had a connection and decided on the date that he didn’t like me. In other words, he decided I wasn’t good enough.
5. Processing. I talked it out for an hour with my roommate. I told him it felt like I kept putting myself out there with these guys; I listed at least three in the last few months where it then fizzled into nothing after I already got excited. But he reminded me that those three examples were all guys who were unavailable in some way. Two didn’t even live in the same country as me, and this most recent one was leaving soon. We also talked about how I shouldn’t regret what I did. When we take risks, we are making ourselves vulnerable to both pain and joy. And it was worth seeing if it could be something.
6. Acceptance. There are a million reasons why someone doesn’t like us, and why we don’t like other people. It doesn’t mean someone is not worthy, or not enough, it just means there wasn’t compatibility in a romantic way, and that’s okay. Maybe he actually did both of us a favor in that he didn’t want to get our emotions mixed up in a physical relationship when there was already an expiry date. Maybe I didn’t even like him as much as I thought. Maybe I got caught up in the idea of what could be before I really knew him.

Rejection isn’t fun for anyone. Of course, our egos get a little bruised in the process. But rejection can also teach us a lot about ourselves.

One thing I learned from this experience was the ways I project onto other people. Before the date, I let my mind get much too carried away in the possibility of what we could be. I put too much weight on one meet-up.

In Buddhism, there is the concept of detachment, which is the practice of disassociating our worth and identity from the outcome of things.

It’s not about being aloof or disinterested, but it’s about finding freedom from the influence of external events.

In this case, rejection does not mean I am unworthy. Just because someone doesn’t like me, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.

Detachment also does not mean we ignore the painful emotion. It requires we acknowledge the feeling, look at it, process it, and find a way forward.

I’m grateful for the experience of rejection because it allows me to see where I might still be holding myself back in dating. It also creates a space for the right kind of love to enter.

I might be a bit more hesitant to take a risk in dating for a few months now. But I don’t regret making the move, and I would do it again.

I can’t help but think that what’s worse than rejection is the regret of never knowing. At least with rejection, you can now move forward instead of holding onto some idea in your head of what could have been.

We won’t experience all the joys life has to offer by playing it safe.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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