Do you notice an impending sense of dread as another first date approaches, your enthusiasm dwindled to the point where it resembles the anticipation of an impending root canal?
Suppose that you could transform this lacklustre into eager anticipation.
Picture this: you feel positive and energised at the prospect of meeting someone new. You skip home afterwards, a smile of contented elation spreading across your face. Happy and buzzy, you look forward to the next time you can enjoy such an event.
Can you imagine? What would it be like if you could actually enjoy first dates?
What if they even became so incredible that they actually enhanced your experience on this planet!!
Sounds a bit far-fetched, I hear you think.
Yet first dates do not have to be an arduous burden. If they are dragging you down, find out where you might be going wrong and what you can do about it.
Transform first dates into a joy to look forward to.
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Doom-dating
If you’re in the online dating game, hopping from one early date to the next, the cycle can go a bit like this:
First date: You clear your itchy throat and stride to your arranged meeting spot, trying to look self-assured. Butterflies dance in your stomach. You are ready to dazzle.
An hour later, the forced laughter and stilted conversation leave you feeling a tad disconnected.
Tiredness kicks in.
Heavy-headed, you stifle a yawn and reluctantly order another cocktail, wondering how soon it is too soon to politely bail.
The night fizzles out. You notice a disheartening sense of relief at the prospect of going home.
Deflated yet keen to remain open-minded, you agree to a second date, only to feel further disgruntlement.
Ok, on to the next one. Disappointment turns to frustration.
On to the next. Frustration intensifies.
On to the next. Indifference sets in.
You’re exhausted.
Burned out.
Meh!
You swear off online dating — until a few days later when your thumbs kick into autopilot, and you’re back searching the apps.
…
You’re focusing on the wrong thing.
Why are your dates not igniting you? Where are the sparkles? How do you find the delight?
The problem is that we often go into impresser-mode on first dates. How can you blow them over with your hilarity, intelligence and charm?
And really you are only trying to impress to get something.
You crave laughs.
You yearn for admiration.
You long for the promise of a second date.
Half the time, the urgency to wow isn’t even because you’re taken with the other person. It’s for the ego boost. It’s for the reassurance of knowing you are appealing to other members of the human race.
Ugh.
It’s a bit anxiety-provoking.
And quite exhausting.
And not very fun.
And, FYI, when you are in impressor-mode, it doesn’t come across as warm and genuine.
You might also go into assessor-mode. You start obsessing about whether your date can give you what you want and become fixated on whether they are enough.
Are they attractive enough? Cool enough?
Funny enough? Clever enough?
Are they laughing enough?
And when you’re sniffling about, trying to determine if someone is enough for you, it’s also about your ego. And the other person can feel it.
It feels icky.
When all we are doing is impressing and assessing, it feels empty and thankless. It’s gruelling work for little reward.
What if there was another option?
What if you weren’t preoccupied with weighing people up and ensuring they see only your shiny best self?
What if you could be present and enjoy yourself?
What is the secret to creating dates that satisfy you, sparkle with joy, and light up your new pal?
Or at least don’t make you want to hide in the toilets and cry?
The key is to stop focusing on impressing (or assessing) the person you are with and instead focus on connecting to them.
It’s that simple.
Stop trying to impress. Start trying to connect.
Connection is what life is all about.
So, what does this mean in reality? Find out in this nifty five-step guide.
Follow this process to create meetups YOU ENJOY that leave your date FEELING AWESOME.
A five-step process to uplevelling your dating game.
1. Set the scene
You will only be captivating on a date if you feel your best.
When our nervous systems are in fight or flight mode, genuine social engagement becomes impossible.
So, plan wisely and choose settings that put you at ease.
If you’re paranoid about dribbling food down your chin, skip the fancy spaghetti restaurant and go for a delicious cocktail. If you find crowded bars overwhelming and love nature, potter in the park together. Suggest an activity if a one-on-one conversation daunts you.
Have crystal clear boundaries.
Set a time limit if you find socialising draining, and avoid any setting that makes you uncomfortable.
2. Create curiosity
Curiosity did not kill the cat. Curiosity is like catnip. It feels irresistibly enticing when someone else is inquisitive towards us.
And it is super fun to tap into your own intrigue.
When meeting a new date, ask yourself what makes this person tick. What are they into? What matters to them? Then, find some curiosity within yourself about that thing.
Imagine, for example, that the person sitting opposite you is super into knitting tiny jumpers for hamsters. You never knit, and you hate rodents.
Best respectfully shuffle past that subject.
But then you ask yourself, what might you like to know about this beloved hobby of theirs? In what way can you relate to tiny hamster jumpers? What about them might you find interesting?
Maybe you’ve never knitted, but you’re into other art forms. Or you’re a graphic designer, and you love colours and patterns. Are their jumpers patterned? What colour combinations do they use? How did they get into this craft?
Or maybe you hate animals, but you love people. Do they use the jumpers to connect to the hamster owners? Or you hate hamsters, but you love dogs. Do they feel about hamsters the way you feel about dogs?
Skip forward twenty minutes, and you’re both tearing up over your mojitos, sharing stories about Chi Chi, the Pit Bull Terrier, and Marmite, the fat-cheeked hamster, your furry friends through the tumultuous years of puberty — treasured memories for life.
If you want to be super engaging, expressing deep interest is a fantastic way to do this.
You can pique their wonder, too. What in the world matters the most to you? Why? Share this. You might find yourself exploring the same old topics from a different angle.
3. Be real
So now you’ve gotten watery-eyed reminiscing about the good times with Chi Chi. Suddenly, as you picture his adoring little face, you’re catapulted back in time to the days of early adolescence. Awkward and greasy. Desperately trying to fit in.
Eeek! Best quickly skip away from that miserable memory pit.
Or should you…?
Building rapport comes from being authentic and vulnerable. This is so well documented that it is a cliche, yet that does not stop it from being true.
Every human has insecurities, doubts and fears. All beings go through tough times. None of us are perfect, so why pretend?
It is sexy when someone dares to share the messy parts of themselves. Hearing about someone’s real-life experiences without a shiny coating of gloss paint is captivating.
Share the scuff-marked, half-finished bits of you, and you will experience an instant alliance. Because whoever you share with also has scuff-marked, half-finished bits of them.
Fast-forward another half an hour, and you’re cry-laughing into a plate of shared fries, admitting how you tried to be cool as teenagers by quoting obscure movie lines when you secretly watched Buffy every night.
4. Boost the sh+t out of them.
It is pretty phenomenal when someone we’ve just met gives us genuine, meaningful and insightful compliments.
Compliments that make us feel actually seen.
As you explore, with fascination, the various facets of your new friend’s life, look for things about them that are unique, pleasing, or interesting. Listen for the ways they have shown perseverance and courage. Catch their moments of pride.
And then reflect these things back to them. Enchant them with their own awesomeness.
Ninety minutes in…you tell your acquaintance how moved you are to see how much hamster jumpers mean to them. You share how inspiring it is to hear how their burning passion drove them to transform a humble hobby into a full-time, thriving business.
They are beaming, pride radiating off them like sunshine. They are ready to take on the world. And from this place of greatness, they also let you know why you are so brilliant.
Wow, this date is on fire!!
5. Be in the moment
Notice how this meeting is not dull?
You are not locked in desperation to show the finest version of yourself, stuck in a rut regaling supposedly riveting anecdotes that subtly outline your exceptional work history and awe-inspiring social life.
You are not fixated on the fact that you could never have a long-term relationship with someone whose primary pastime is making knitted goods for rodents.
You are just there.
Present with another person.
Connecting over your shared humanness.
You’ve let go of the end game.
You’ve stopped trying to get something and let yourself be.
You get to the two-hour mark. That was the time you allocated to leave. And so leave you do. You do not need to give any more.
And maybe you will never see old hamster cheeks again. And that’s ok. Because you had fun. Your souls collided for a brief moment in time in a way that was simultaneously deeply meaningful and completely meaningless.
This isn’t a guide to finding your perfect partner. It’s a guide to having laughs along the way. It’s an encouragement to have connection for connection’s sake. It’s a nudge towards creating experiences that leave you feeling fulfilled rather than depleted. Joyful even.
And maybe, just maybe, if you stop trying to impress and instead just let yourself be an unexpected bond might take you by surprise.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
