“I don’t have any proof. But I know they’re cheating on me.”
Knowing is something the cheat-ees do a lot. We convince ourselves that cheating is everywhere. We’re certain our significant other must be cheating. There is no other possibility for our relationship misery.
Sometimes we get it wrong about our cheating. And sometimes we get all too right.
Catching a cheater can deprive us of our every sensibility. It can be the unravelling of our rational nature and logical thinking.
The suspicion of cheating can turn the cheat-ee into a shell of their former self. Their obsession with the truth fights it out with the possibilities of the unknown.
How do I know this? Because I have been the cheat-ee. And the cheater.
I’ve inflicted the pain. And I’ve felt the anguish of finding out the person you’re with is cheating on you.
With this experience, I’m highly qualified in the art of cheating. If there’s cheating on the cards, I know how to play.
Welcome To The Game Of Cheating
As soon as a person crosses the line of infidelity, the game is on. Everyone plays by their own rules, which is unfortunate for most. No act of cheating is ever the same. The way one person cheats on another varies in action and duration.
But the rules are almost always the same:
- Don’t get caught
- Get caught if you want to get caught
- Remember your lies and never get them twisted
- Remember the technicalities of your relationship and exploit them
These rules sound premeditated. For some serial cheaters, they are. I know a man who ensured I followed each rule, so he could ‘trust’ our affair. Trust that his girlfriend and my boyfriend wouldn’t find out.
For others, who let one moment spiral out of control, the rules are no different. You follow them out of desperation, instead of for the need for a thrill.
How To Catch A Cheater: Understand The Rules
Much like a criminal knows the laws, a cheater knows which rules to break. And how.
Catching a cheater in the act is as likely as catching someone with the bank bag of cash. It’s impossible, especially without significant suspicion, to back up any drastic actions. A hidden camera comes to mind.
I want to teach you the rules, teach you the mindset behind why your partner might be cheating on you. Cheating isn’t clear cut, as we may assume. Cheating twists the truth, challenges trust, and causes devastation long after the relationship is over.
Cheating is a fickle practice. A practice I regret perfecting all those years ago.
I can’t unwind what I’ve done in the past, I can’t change the pain I’ve caused. But my experiences, my insight, might save one person from further misery.
Rule Number One: Don’t Get Caught
Undetectable cheating is like committing a crime.
You can’t leave your DNA behind. You can’t allow anyone to suspect you of anything. A raised eyebrow at your behaviour and you’ve broken the rule.
Andrew was my first boyfriend and the only man I know of who has cheated on me. He wasn’t so good at keeping to this rule. Suspicion of him was rife with me and the people who loved me.
He gave it away with one simple, yet telling detail: names.
There were always names, names, names. Girls’ names mixed into stories. Girls who helped him pick out jewellery for me. Girls who claimed they were dying to meet me, but never did. These girls’ names were dropped into conversation, like cheese on pasta. Casual, natural and far from suspicion.
But it wasn’t the names. Or the stories. It was the tone. Andrew romanticised their place in his life. His expression turned from matter of fact to pure joy when he said their name.
These names weren’t names, they were people who he cared too much about. Too much for a man who had a girlfriend.
That was his biggest mistake: he let me get to know him well enough to know when something changed. A change in his voice. A change in his attitude. A change in his attention to detail.
A friend of his told me he cheated on me. Andrew cheated on me with witnesses all around him. He lacked the discretion a seasoned cheater possesses. He broke the rules.
What the cheat-ee should learn about ‘don’t get caught’
The best cheaters, the ones who really don’t want to get caught, will ensure there are no witnesses. No DNA. No evidence left behind. No questions to answer.
For the cheat-ee, that’s like finding a needle in a haystack. Sometimes you may never have the proof. All you will have is that inkling that posters you. Sometimes that’s enough proof.
Get Caught If You Want To Get Caught
Some cheaters will claim they never wanted to get caught. But they’re lying. They intentionally leave behind clues of their behaviour so someone will catch them and relieve them of their guilt. Sometimes they know they’re doing it. Sometimes it far more complicated.
The man with the rules I mentioned earlier? When I was having an affair with him, the guilt crippled him. When it became too much, he left clues everywhere. He was like a broken rubbish bag, our secrets dripping behind him everywhere he went.
He propositioned the affair to me. He offered me a handshake deal, where we would continue our physical relationship without our partners finding out. I agreed.
So you can imagine my surprise when he left his phone open for his girlfriend to find our messages. Or left his Facebook account open on his computer for her to read our exchanges. Or the time he bought me a bracelet on her credit card.
I could have killed him.
I knew why he was doing it. We’d fallen for each other, and we’d both realised we were never going to win if we continued our affair. Breaking it off with me would have been far easier, I reason.
What the cheat-ee should learn about ‘get caught if you want to get caught’
The guilty cheater, the one wanting to relinquish their cheating ways, will let you catch them. Rarely in the act of cheating, however. They won’t let you walk in them doing the business.
But you’ll come close to it if they want to get caught.
Remember Your Lies And Never Get Them Twisted
The cheater has to be proficient in lying.
Not only how to tell a convincing lie, but how to keep all the lies straight. Lying by omission, lying by failing to clarify meaning I’ll include in this.
It’s an important rule for the cheater to master. Every deception is pointless if you can’t get your cheating ducks in a row.
Andrew couldn’t keep the lies in order. One day he would tell me he was out with friends. A couple of days later, the story would change. The places they went. The people who were there. The times. The emphasis. He couldn’t keep up with his own lies.
It’s right to assume this seems obvious. But when you’re hearing the stories for the first time, you assume you’re the one who has it wrong. You question your own memory. You assume you’re the one who can’t keep it straight.
What the cheat-ee must learn about ‘remember your lies and never get them twisted’
A cheater will often manipulate your memory. When they get the lie wrong, they will claim you have the lie wrong. The movies depict this aspect of cheating perfectly. They pat you on the head and placate you.
Questions are the enemy of the cheater. The more questions you ask, the worse it is for them.
The other enemy is ink. When you permanently ink their confessions, they’re retrievable in the future. Text messages, emails, good old fashion notebooks. The cheater hates the ink.
Remember The Technicalities Of Your Relationship And Exploit Them
Cheating or skirting the lines, ‘which one is it?’, the cheater will ask.
Though cheating appears to be a black or white issue, in that you either cheat or you don’t, there are so many grey areas.
Emotional cheating falls into this grey area. It is everything else but what conventionally classifies cheating. Flirting. Inappropriate gestures or looks. Discussions about cheating, but not following through with the physical act. Sending inappropriate text messages that would worry your partner.
The grey area tests a relationship. But if you don’t define the black or white early in the relationship, you can fall victim to it quicker than you think.
Cheating undefined doesn’t help either.
Every couple has their own set of rules when defining cheating. Many couples fail because they didn’t define cheating means in their relationship.
When my friend Julia was dating Michael, he chastised her for kissing another girl. It was all in good fun, a dare between friends. But Michael insisted it was cheating. He broke up with her immediately. Meanwhile, two boyfriends later, her new man encouraged her to kiss all the girls she wanted.
What the cheat-ee must learn about ‘remember the technicalities of your relationship and exploit them’
A cheater knows the technicalities.
They know the distinction between wrong and right, and they will always hover over the line. But if your relationship expectations aren’t concrete, the cheater will exploit your trust. When it comes to cheating in relationships, assumptions are always used against you.
A Cheater’s Motive
Every cheater needs a motive. The reason for cheating. Not an excuse, not a reason to forgive them. But cheating rarely happens without the ‘why’. The motives are almost as important as the rules.
To begin cheating, you need a reason to do it. It’s this reason that fuels continuous cheating and often helps cheaters justify their behaviour.
Does your relationship give them a reason to cheat?
We want to think a cheater is a bad person, and they cheat because they have no feelings. But they usually cheat because something is off. Something about their life, your life, and the combined life with you, isn’t right for them.
People in happy relationships don’t cheat.
Here is a smattering of plausible reasons a person cheats (the motive):
- Boredom — in general or in the relationship
- Habit — once a cheater, it’s hard to break
- Lack of sexual activity within the relationship, from loneliness, neglect, or change in circumstance
- Lack of sexual exploration within the relationship
- Settling — getting into a relationship you regret
- Rebellion — trying to revolt against settling down
- Opportunity — because you can and get away with it
- Better — because something better came along
- Hoping for better — hoping to find something better
- Tension — because your relationship is at an all-time low
- Pressure — because that’s what they think they should do
- Intrigue — this goes hand in hand with boredom
- Unfulfilled — looking for something to give or a relationship meaning
So You Think You Have A Cheater In Your Bed?
I mentioned earlier that catching a cheater is nearly impossible.
Yet, now you have what most don’t; you have the power of knowledge. You understand how the cheater thinks, moves, the why, and a some of the how.
(If I was to detail all the how, I could write an article a day, for the next decade)
How do you know if you have a cheater for a partner?
You either need to catch them, or more likely, ask them. Are you cheating on me? Have you been with someone else? Are you doing something I won’t like?
No one has ever asked me directly, nor did I grow the strength to confront the person I suspected of doing the dirty. It would save time, energy and excruciating anxiety if I came out and asked.
We shouldn’t care about the other person’s reaction. We shouldn’t worry about looking like a worried, clinging psycho. Because asking them is communication, the fundamental of healthy relationships.
And if they lie to you, that’s on them. Often they will lie. Remember, their instinct will be to stick to the rules.
But that doesn’t mean you have to.
I’m Ellen McRae, writer by trade and passionate storyteller by nature. I write about figuring about love and relationships through fictional-reality. The anecdotes might not always be true, but the lessons learned sure are!
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: Ellen McRae