The “Give & Take” in Any Relation

The Give & Take in Human interaction

“Give & Take” is something very prevalent in psychology. The Social Exchange theory says that every social behavior is the result of an exchange process. Social behavior is any interaction we have with other people. Be it interaction with your colleagues, housemates, friends, or parents, every relationship has a form of giving and taking. You are having a relationship with them because there is something you are getting, and there is something you are giving or offering. If people feel that they are giving more than receiving, they abandon the relationship.

The friend-friend interaction

There are a lot of kinds of friendships. Some friendships are close, indicating that exchanges from different aspects of life occur while others are not. An emotional exchange is present in a close friendship, which means the two friends are there for each other emotionally. Maybe they are also helping each other in their studies & finances. In a not-so-close friendship, exchange in only one aspect of life occurs. For instance, friends are there for each other only during a financial crisis.

The parent-child interaction

Our society confuses this as a one-sided relationship. People decide to have children for many reasons: pressure from parents, to save their marriage, accident, fit into the society, and so on. One of the very wrong reasons people have children is because of societal pressure and to fit into the societal norms.

The right reason to bear children is to : fulfill the psychological need of providing a life to someone.

Every human has a psychological need to provide or build a life for someone else by sacrificing their needs. Most people decide to have children because they want to have a feeling of providing for someone. Bearing children is not the only way to satisfy this psychological need. Some people start providing for the unprivileged or do charity work which gives them the same feeling.

Different people have a different level of this psychological need. The higher their need is, the more people they will provide for. The lower this need is, lesser people they will provide for.

I don’t have a family, so I don’t provide for someone, but as a human, I do have this psychological need, and this is where my “Veganism” comes into the picture. Living a Vegan life means rejecting meat, dairy, eggs, leather, fur, silk, wool, and a whole bunch of things that are a part of the societal “norm.” It is indeed a challenging life– One is required to sacrifice their own needs and fight against societal norms.

Living a Vegan lifestyle gives me a feeling that I’m providing for someone. It gives me a similar sense of parenthood. The exchange that’s happening here is — Every time I choose a Vegan product over a non-vegan product, I’m getting to feel the feeling of providing for someone by sacrificing my needs, and in return, one random animal in the world is stopped from getting slaughtered.

The employee-employer interaction

This one is straightforward. Everything related to money is straight but everything about our emotional and psychological needs is not. For a simple reason, counting money and determining the value of money is way easier than measuring or determining the value of a psychological need. Determining the suitable emotional exchange is trickier than determining the suitable monetary exchange. The employee works for the employer and, in return gets paid. If an employee starts feeling that the work they are delivering is worth more, they ask for a raise. If the employer thinks that the work they are getting is not worth the money they are paying; the employee gets fired.

The two extremes of “give and take”

This kind of relationship is two sides of the same coin. It is the same relationship: One person gives everything and gets very little, and the other takes everything and gives very little. This is the definition of an abusive or toxic relationship. The greatest thing a person can take from another person is their freedom. Taking someone’s freedom away and controlling someone gives the other person the feeling of power.

Physical violence and sexual violence are forms of gaining control & power.

Most of these situations occur when the abuser or the person taking everything realizes that the other person cannot end the relationship or would face huge costs if they decide to end the relationship.

Who is considered a good person & not a good person?

The definition of “a good person” differs from one relation to another. In simple words, A person is considered a good person who gives more than they take. For instance, Let’s assume Person A, Person B & Person C. Person A is friends with Person B and Person A is in a romantic relationship with Person C.

Person A & Person B share a friendship where they borrow and lend money to each other, depending on their financial crisis. Person A has lent more money to Person B in their friendship, or in other words, Person A has given more in the relationship than person B. Here, Person A is a good person for Person B.

Now, Person A & Person C share a romantic relationship where they share or exchange intimacy. Person C gives more intimacy to Person A. Here; Person A is not a good person for Person C.

A person who takes more than he gives is considered not a good person.

A person might fulfill one relationship but be highly abusive in another.

A person might be an abusive husband to his wife and still be a good friend to someone.

The imbalance in give and take

The value of each give and take is different for different people. They value what to give and what to take based on the value of the societies they live in or belong to. When one of the two parties realizes the imbalance (given that imbalance is high) in the relationship, they abandon the relationship.

Who is a vulnerable being?

A vulnerable being would fulfill two Categories:

1. The vulnerable person would not know what to get from the relationship.
2. The other person will face no consequence if they take everything from the vulnerable person.

How the vulnerable gets treated

There are two things people want to avoid in any relationship: Conflict and Rejection. The conflict has a risk of the relationship being ended, and for psychological reasons, people do not want to feel the feeling of rejection. Different people have different tolerance for conflict and rejection.

An interaction with a vulnerable person will result in no conflict and no rejection.

Let’s take a situation: The minimum wage in Toronto is $15/hr. Person A’s car is broken & they meet a refugee who knows how to fix cars. He is in desperate need of money. He would likely agree if they offer him $10 for a 2-hr service. The refugee doesn’t know the minimum wage concept. He would not demand more money because that would be engaging in a conflict, which means risking ending the deal. He would not even reject Person A’s deal because he desperately needs money. The benefit of gaining $10 would be way more for the refugee than the benefit Person A would be receiving after getting the car fixed.

The refugee doesn’t know the societal standard or the minimum wage concept. So, he did not know what to expect out of the deal. Because he is a refugee and he is not in a position of power, there is a massive chance that exploiting him will result in no consequence.

Would Person A pay the refugee $30, the legal market rate, or would he pay $10? Let’s look at the cost and benefit.

Assumption: No consequence to be faced whatever amount Person A pays to the refugee
Costs: Deviating from the social norm of wage means risking his social status.
Benefits: Getting to save $20

Sadly, If people find a way to save $20 and their social status, most of them would pay $10, and maybe months later, the refugee would realize that he was treated unfairly.

Give & Take in an abusive relation

Let’s assume two people: Abuser and Victim. In a very high number of cases, the abuser is someone known to the victim. Very few cases exist where the abuser and the victim do not know each other. Abusers want to ensure that there are no consequences if they decide to abuse.

“People will use violence toward family members when the costs of being violent do not outweigh the rewards.”

Costs: The family member will suffer mentally and physically
Benefits: The abuser will gain power & control

There is an obvious imbalance in give and take in an abusive relationship. Let’s consider a situation: The mother is physically abusing the child and cooking for the child. Here, the mother is gaining power and control. In return, she gives food to the child. The mother is teaching the child that the reward of getting food is so high that someone can gain control over the child.

As I mentioned earlier, people do not like conflict and rejection in the relationship because it gives a risk for the relationship to be ended. Even if the abuser faces conflict and rejection, they know that the relationship will not be terminated when it comes to family violence. It isn’t easy to end a husband-wife relationship. It is way more challenging to end a parent-child relationship.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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