The Goal of a First Date Isn’t to Get a Second One

Happy Month of Love! Love is in the air and here is something to keep in mind in case you get hit by Cupid’s arrow and find yourself on a first date!

First dates are full of façades and performances. You dress up to look smarter, taller, thinner, curvier, or more put-together than you actually are.

You tell stories that portray you as your ideal self; a lifetime’s travel summarized in 10 minutes to give Dora the Explorer vibes.

All the fun facts you know are spurt out throughout the course of the evening so your date leaves thinking you are interesting, knowledgable, maybe even worldly.

This is not to bash anyone. Why would anyone do anything but put their best foot forward on a first date?

Most of us want to be liked, even if we don’t like the person seated across from us.

Most of us also like to “win”, even if we don’t care for the “prize”… and even with dating. If the prize is spending more time with someone whose company you do not enjoy, is that really a win?

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“We should do this again,” he said as we parted ways. I agreed, believing we both meant it. I never heard from him again. I was young and ghosting wasn’t a dating buzzword back then, so his actions (or lack thereof) bothered me for weeks.

Why hadn’t we gone on that second date? Was it me? Was it him?

The answer: it was us… We didn’t work. In hindsight, it is apparent that he and I had nothing in common, not even a sense of humor. I just wanted to be wanted, as most of us do. I wanted to “win”.

So what exactly is the point of a first date?

Learn their story — what life have they lived?

This is the most fun part of a first date, in my opinion. You get to hear all about a life parallel to yours that a complete stranger has been living in this great big world.

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When you show up to learn about someone else (as opposed to showing up to “win” a second date), you are curious. You won’t cut them off in conversation because you sincerely want to hear their answers to your questions — not because some dating guide said you shouldn’t.

Your curiosity and enthusiasm translate into positive vibes.

The person across from you wants to be seen, just like you do, and by asking them about themselves and listening attentively, you do just that.

Regardless of whether or not their life’s journey continues with you in it, it’s a pretty cool thing that your paths crossed and you got a sneak peek into someone else’s life. Hopefully, you learned a thing or two about yourself, the world, or life.

Guage connection — Is this a vibe?

A first date is the first chance you have to look at the person in front of you. You won’t have all the answers about them by the end of the night, but you’ll have a general sense of who they are relative to who you know yourself to be.

Hopefully, they are not just catering to you with no backbone or identity of their own. You want to see them for who they are, not who they could be, and accept what they show you as your starting point. People only become more of themselves in a relationship.

If everyone is on their best behavior on the first date and you don’t like what you see, it often doesn’t get better…that’s their best.

When you aim for a second date during the first, you craft and position yourself for “success”, shying away from topics that could highlight your flaws and shortcomings.

This might sound like a smart — and intuitive — thing to do, but it takes you out of the present moment. When you’re not in the moment you miss the cues of whether or not the other person is feeling the same way or if you even care.

Remember in Indian Matchmaking Season 2 when Vinesh clearly had a cringe date but spoke to the cameras about a delusionary deep connection with the woman? Don’t miss the cues.

The point of a first date isn’t to determine in one sitting whether or not the person across from you will join you at the altar.

A first date has no goal.

Enjoy good conversation and pleasant companionship.

Think about if you truly enjoyed spending time with this person. If you laughed or the conversation flowed effortlessly. Then consider a second date.

Don’t overlook your feelings, ignore your intuition or compromise your values for the sake of “winning” at a first date. Don’t drag yourself into a second date just because they asked and you feel “chosen”.

Even if nothing comes of the date, you should still be left feeling like it was time well-spent.

A good first date is like a captivating tale in a book of short stories. Even if you never finish the book, you’re glad to have had the chance to read that one story.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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