The first time a friend asked him to be best man at his wedding, Nathan Loewen wasn’t the best man he could be.
Some years ago I was in my twenties, I was foolish and selfish. I was engaged to the woman of my dreams, friends were all around us, family was great, and our future looked bright. Then my best friend got engaged.
A few months before that happened, my girlfriend (now wife) and I, thought it would be a good idea if two of our friends who didn’t know each other could meet and date. We thought they seemed like a perfect match for each other, and wouldn’t you know it, they hit it off.
The two of them were inseparable, spending all of their free time with each other. This is when things began to change for me. As a selfish twenty-something I did not like the fact that she was dominating his life. That I was no longer the most important person in his life, and after they got engaged these feelings bubbled to the top.
Instead of being excited and overjoyed for them, I felt sad. So when my best friend called me up to tell me he was engaged, all I could do was ask, “Are you sure you want to do this?” Our conversation continued but not for too long as it was too much for me to take at the time.
Later, he called to tell me about his wedding plans. It ended up being a couple weeks before my wedding and all the way in North Carolina—that is a long way from Texas, for sure. I wasn’t sure how I was going to swing it, making it to his wedding, the Christmas holidays, and then my own wedding.
So I made a mistake that I would forever regret. I proceeded to tell my best friend what I honestly thought about his future wife. These would be words I could never take back, words that were so cheap but cost me so much. The phone call ended and I felt sick to my stomach. I told my fiancee, “I think I just lost my best friend.”
I still was going to try to make his wedding until word came around that I was no longer invited to be the best man or even a groomsman. I couldn’t be too upset because who would want someone like me to stand up with them at their wedding? Our relationship became more and more strained and soon he would inform me that he could not make it to my wedding and be my best man. I was hurt deeply and knew that I was the one who caused my pain and his.
Over the year I would try to contact him, but he changed his phone number. I would try to catch him on Facebook, but I was blocked so I would get my wife to contact him for me. No luck. I finally wrote a letter to his wife as an apology. No word ever came back.
I screwed up. I chose to voice my selfish opinion, costing me my best friend since high school. Only time would tell if this would be it.
About a year later I heard the call to go into ministry, and so my wife and I packed up our life and moved back to Fort Worth so I could attend seminary. I reached out to my friend’s mom a couple times as she worked at the university. However, it was still not the right time for us to reconcile our relationship.
After I graduated from seminary three years later, I was called by First Christian Church in Cleburne, Texas to be their Senior Minister. This was the very church my friend grew up in, the one he served as a leader in the youth group, and took him to church camp where we met and became the best of buds.
On my first Sunday as the new Senior Minister my friend showed up. I saw him and we embraced in a hug that was strong, that was full of love, full of grace, full of missed years being friends, full of forgiveness. It warmed my heart to see and talk with him. Then he broke the news to me that his wife wanted a divorce, and my heart sank.
Here we were back together, reconciling, and he was going through the worst days of his life. I was glad I could be there for him again as his friend, that I could just hang out with him, not to relive the past but to be friends going forward.
Now it has been a year since I have been at First Christian Church, and I was overjoyed when a couple weeks ago my friend announced his engagement to his new fiancee. Then my heart was warmed as I was asked to officiate his wedding. He told me he wanted his two best friends to be part of his wedding one standing as his best man, and me standing as the officiant.
Things change over the course of six years. Life goes on. To be a best man, to be a true best friend is not about looking out for yourself. I made that mistake and lost my friend. I have learned the hard way, the hardest way, to be a best man is to stand up with your friend when he is happy and to hold and embrace him when times are tough. Being a best man is more than toasts and bachelor parties, it is a relationship that understands it isn’t about me: it is about making room for them to grow in love together.
Read more in Weddings on The Good Life.
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