Boys don’t just “mellow out,” they learn to repress anger and fear. How to give your sons the freedom to feel and express the full range of emotions.
I was an angry boy. My family often reminds me of my childhood antics—from banging my head against the wall when not getting my way and kicking friends out of the house to firing our nannies and throwing backpacks out the window of speeding school buses. The list seems endless.
The formative years of my life clearly lacked emotional intelligence—the ability to recognize, name, and manage emotions effectively. No one taught me. I don’t even recall hearing the word emotion mentioned when my behavior was under scrutiny which always resulted in being spanked, shamed, or punished for being so explosive.
To mother’s great relief, I eventually mellowed out. The process started when the rumblings of civil war forced my two siblings and me to flee Nicaragua and take refuge with an aunt living in Los Angeles. Leaving my parents and a life of comfort behind to step into an uncertain future surely rocked my world and shifted my priorities.
Many years later, as a parenting strategist certified in social and emotional intelligence (SEI), I finally learned a thing or two about emotions. And I know that mellowing out is not what happened to me. Rather, the pressures of a new world forced me to set aside the anger while I dealt with a more pressing reality of fear and uncertainty.
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The emotional experience of my boyhood is not unlike the experience of most men. We learn early on that boys and emotions don’t mix. It is not surprising most of us learn to repress our emotions to avoid being shamed, ostracized, or even bullied.
Over time, we lose the ability to recognize our feelings and even identify them by name. This process sets the stage for a life in which rage becomes the main conduit for all the repressed feelings. And unless we embark on a path of self-discovery, we may never experience the full range of our emotions safely.
The pervasive imposition of a limited definition of manhood keeps emotional literacy in check. In our youth, our families, friends, and teachers gave us their version of an idealized masculinity we were too young or too afraid to question. The media and entertainment industry come along to give us their version of it too.
The indoctrination is so effective that in adulthood we fail to recognize the double standard of modern-day masculinity: being brave, stoic, and macho while also being tender, kind, and sensitive. Because we believe something is wrong with us and not with the way we are taught, we lead lives through an ill-fitting version of manhood.
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I believe it is our personal duty to give ourselves permission to own our emotional lives. Placing blame is a losing proposition. We can develop emotional literacy by reading the extensive literature readily available on the topic, working with a coach skilled in social and emotional intelligence, embarking on a spiritual path, or working with a therapist if healing the past is required in order to move on.
Teach him emotions are an essential source of valuable information about who we are.
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I also believe it is our obligation to ensure the next generation of boys is raised in a world where they are respected for who they are so they can become the best version of their individual selves. We need to show them how to develop their emotional literacy in order to manage themselves and their relationships effectively.
Here are four core principles for raising an emotionally intelligent boy:
- Honor and protect his emotional life. Grant him permission to explore his internal world. Respect his feelings by not dictating what he should feel. Acknowledge and validate his emotional experiences—all of them not just the ones you feel comfortable handling. Create a safe environment for him to express and nourish his emotional needs without the fear of being judged or shamed.
- Develop his emotional self-awareness to tap his personal power. Teach him emotions are an essential source of valuable information about who we are. Ask him to articulate what he feels not just what he thinks. Invite him to name his emotions to create a vocabulary that reflects the spectrum of human emotions. Nurture the exploration of his emotions to recognize their true source and the impact on his body and soul.
- Develop his emotional awareness of others to manage relationships effectively. Invite him to take an interest in the feelings and concerns of others. Show him how to anticipate, recognize, and meet the needs of family, friends, and even strangers. Teach him the value of being of service to others and create opportunities for doing so.
- Liberate him from the relentless imposition of a limited definition of manhood. Teach him there are many ways to be a man in today’s world. Because men long for the company of other men, show him the value of intimacy and physical affection in male friendships. By honoring the natural expression of his manhood, a boy will find for himself what it means to be a caring son, a brave man, a loving father, a great friend, a dedicated partner, a productive worker, and a contributing member of society.
I’ve heard it said that when we finally choose to live our passion we find our line of work is very closely connected to our life experience. If true, then perhaps teaching parents about emotional intelligence in boys has allowed me to embrace my emotional history. Even if, in the end, my work is more about making a living than making an impact, at least I know my two sons will be better off.
Read more on Emotional Intelligence.
Image of an angry boy courtesy of Shutterstock
I often think of emotional repression when I think of my childhood. I lacked the language/ context to express what was going on verbally, and only as an adult have realised that much of it was about gender roles. I, being female, HATED being treated as less than a boy. Even later as a young woman when I began to learn about sex bigotry and gender roles, any attempt to discuss or comment on inequities was harshly shut down. I think a lot of the vitriol from women in gender discussions is rooted in the previously unexpressed rage we feel… Read more »
I work on this every day with my infants and toddlers, naming their emotions, teaching them to breath when they are frustrated, being their frontal lobe. It’s so gratifying to see our 22 month old (language delayed) taking a deep breath when he gets frustrated. It’s actually really amazing to me that he calms down and has composure at that age. I hope these are skills he can take with him for the rest of his life.
Wonderful article. You forgot one important point Kristian. and in my mind it’s number before 1 on your list which is this: .5) As a parent or caregiver, if you expect to help your kid with your emotions and you want him to develop emotional literacy, you MUST learn yourself before you embark on that, or while he is learning too. If you don’t, you cannot support his literacy. Someone else might be able to, but it won’t be you.
You’re right, Jayson. You can’t teach something you don’t know. Is that how the saying goes? There’s a line in there about taking personal responsibility over our emotional lives that “sort of” implies it, but it’s best to be VERY explicit. Indeed, modeling the behavior is a MUST for all parents. Thanks for pointing out the omission.
Kristian, Thank you very much for this important article. I believe that raising all children to be aware of their emotions, understand them and to have productive outlets for experiencing them – all of them – is hugely important. The gender roles that our culture puts upon children start before they are even born. One just has to be a pregnant woman in our society to know what I mean! With the common use of ultrasound in pregnancy, it is possible to know the gender of the baby you are carrying very early in gestation and everyone (including total strangers)… Read more »
Yes, Karen, the gender roles we live with today stopped working for us a long time ago particularly when it comes to emotion. (At one point, they must have been helpful to figure out what was what in this world.) And yet, like so much else in this world, they need to be revisited to see what remains true. The beauty about the today is that—with more knowledge and understanding about the essence of our humanity, how the brain works, and our entire human history as a real lesson—we can break the mold and remake it to fit our individuality… Read more »
Hello Kristian, I have taught psychology courses in the past, and one of the things I cover with my students is the role that early stress has on the brain and emotional development. Cortisol is a pain and stress-response hormone and high levels of it in early infancy or childhood have been implicated in later problems. Physical or emotional trauma that is experienced or witnessed by the child can trigger high levels of blood-cortisol, and there has been recent research showing that circumcision is responsible for extremely high cortisol levels — so high that one researcher compared the levels to… Read more »
Hey Kelev,
Wow! The research linking high levels of cortisol in infancy and complications later in life is new to me. I truly love learning something new every day!
I commend you for choosing to act based on your beliefs and convictions. Being Jewish, you may have even experienced pressure from those around you expecting you to make the obvious decision.
It seems that honoring ourselves is one of the hardest things to do these days given all the other pressures we’re experiencing simultaneously. I’m hopeful, however, that we are making process…albeit slowly.
I will have to agree with Karen and Kelev that circumcision is a cause of trauma, anger and feeling of betrayal in infancy and also in puberty or early adulthood. Ronald Goldman in “The hidden Trauma” wrote “If I forcefully cut off one of your healthy fingers, my reason would make no difference to you, even if I sincerely believed that amputating your finger was for your own good. Your experience of the event would be the same—pain, shock, horror. In the case of circumcision, what we are doing to the infant is cutting off a part of his penis.… Read more »
The Psychological harm from circumcision: http://www.johmann.net/essays/psychological-harm-of-circumcision.html
SeanMichael Rau: http://infocirc.blogspot.com/2011/10/sean-michael-rau-deep-and-hurtful.html
James Stewart, Realization of circumcision: http://www.drmomma.org/2012/07/realization-of-circumcision.html
Foreskin restoration forum entry: http://foreskin-restoration.net/forum/showthread.php?t=12412
George Wald essay on circumcision: http://www.mendocomplain.com/references/1153-2/
Kristian, Thank you for this insightful and candid piece. I agree with all of it wholeheartedly, and my only counter would be that raising girls to be emotionally intelligent is also something that the world needs. Women are often taught and learn that rage and anger aren’t emotions that they are allowed to notice, feel or express either. That they should always be loving, keep quiet, and focus more on smiling pretty, despite what they are feeling inside in certain situations. This becomes problematic for them in life as well, and perhaps is also a significant contributing part of what… Read more »
Hi Lindsey, Thanks for the compliment; it is very much appreciated. And yes, I completely agree the same concepts apply to girls. Naturally, I reference only boys since it’s what I know best—not only for being a “grown-up” boy myself, but also for having two sons and working with parents of boys addressing issues with their sons. Indeed, for TOO long humanity has worked against—instead of with—our feelings and emotions. The means of doing so have depended, in part, on the culture and/or religion of a given society. In the end, however, they have all (yes, generalizing a bit) been… Read more »
Eric and Joe: Many thanks for taking the time to comment on my article. You both bring up valid points. In fact, after reading what you have both shared, it occurred to me that, if I had given more details to the story of my upbringing, some of your questions might have been answered. Then again, more questions might have been raised. I was both loved AND disciplined. One might argue I was not disciplined or loved enough or both, but then it would be missing the point. The piece is not about my behavior, the amount of love I… Read more »
I’m a single dad and I found all this very helpful, I’d like to raise my son in the best way possible but I’m really clueless, how do I show him or teach him all this, I know now what to do, I just have absolutely no idea of how I do this. And how do I discipline my child effectively without the discipline being physical?
First and foremost, I congratulate you for wanting to raise your son in the best way possible. Your desire is admirable. In response to your question, the best place to begin the process of raising emotionally intelligent sons is by looking at your emotional “lacks and gaps.” If you apply the four core principles to yourself, you will find the process begins to unfold in unexpected ways. It is not always easy; in fact, it can be quite challenging but very rewarding. As I mentioned in the article, there are good resources out there. In addition to books, SEI coaches,… Read more »
“I believe it is our personal duty to give ourselves permission to own our emotional lives.”
YES. So so true. Once we make that step we’ve placed responsibility in our own realm, and no matter what external restrictions there are we have the opportunity and ability to define our inner selves.
I’ve seen kids like the one described. No offense but they are simply spoiled brats who didn’t get needed discipline. I was not allowed to act like that, no matter how I felt at the moment. No possible way I could ever have gotten away with “banging my head against the wall when not getting my way and kicking friends out of the house to firing our nannies and throwing backpacks out the window of speeding school buses?” My loving but firm father would have torn my little tail up. He had a way of dealing with that behavior that… Read more »
I hope no one would argue that there’s no need for discipline, because we all need boundaries when we are young. What’s missing is teaching boys/young men that they are in charge of their own emotions, and there are a vast array of them at their fingertips. It’s normal for a child to feel they’ve run up against boundaries, but they should never feel unloved.
There is no indication that the child in the article was unloved but he was certainly undisciplined. He was not given proper boundaries. I won’t quote my comment because it, I think, made it clear that love from not only parents is essential but also from extended family members.
However, parental love without proper discipline will often cause a child to become angry and have emotional problems. Children innately know that their parents should be setting limits from them, and they feel secure and loved when they do.
Oh yeah I wasn’t disagreeing with you at all, it’s true you need balance. “tough” and “love” without each other is simply being cruel.
Hi Eric M. and Joe: Please see my post below addressing both of your comments. Good day!