Should parents and teachers intervene in the jockeying for status endemic among adolescent boys?
When I first started working I found it difficult to get into clubs and bars, mainly because I was under age, but also because of my appearance. I resolved to change this. I bought a crushed blue velvet jacket with the widest lapels you can imagine. (I know, but it was the early 1970s!)
I looked and felt very different when I wore this jacket. It changed my place in the pecking order. Suddenly, I was welcomed into all the clubs, and attracted the attention of women. Was it really just the size of my lapels that did it?
A few years later I worked in a Children’s Home, and the boys were amongst the most outrageously loud characters I’d ever met. In the confines of the Home they strutted like peacocks, they were Alpha males, but, during the course of any bus journey from the Home into town, they slowly transformed from cocky arrogant hooligans into timid quiet sheep. For some time this transformation puzzled me, and then I realised why it occurred. As kids from a Home they wore second hand clothes, they had hand-me-downs, not the latest fashions. The Home kids were intimidated by the clothes the ‘normal’ kids on the bus wore, and it radically affected their behaviour and sense of status.
I am employed to train social and care workers to work with teenagers, as a starting point I introduce them to the concept of ‘pecking order’. Teenagers seek out and want to know where they stand in the pecking order. There are any number of pecking orders to be joined, they cover a wide spectrum of activities—appearance, behaviour, football, sports, fashion, gaming, school, etc. They can be very specialised, or they can be generic, they are the equivalent of league tables: we can be high in some and low in others. They have always been there, and each generation of teens creates their own new structures and frameworks, as well as rules and regulations. He is ‘in’ because he wears the latest trainers. He is ‘out’ because he hasn’t tied his scarf in the right knot.
In my experience, the creation of pecking orders is a very healthy and normal part of life. It has always accompanied adolescence and the onset of puberty. It can on occasions become a very painful, spiteful and antagonistic forum. Rejection from your order is devastating, just as acceptance can be liberating. In each of the pecking orders there will be jostling and fighting for places amongst the Alphas, Betas and Gammas.
The Alphas try to stay ahead of the Betas by re-organising the specifications, exerting their power; the Betas fight amongst themselves for ascendancy and validation; and the Gammas, being subservient to their Alpha masters, do all the dirty jobs.
Many of the professionals I teach don’t like the concept of pecking order, especially the division into classes or factions, they feel such a state of affairs is inappropriate and divisive. I have worked with teenagers since 1975, and in that time I have been through my own transformative journey, as well as witnessing behavioural patterns which re-occur generation after generation. It is true what these other professionals say about pecking orders, but I have also observed it to be normal and expected. We shouldn’t suppress it; by doing so, we will only make it more extreme. We need to work alongside it.
Adolescents need to have peer appraisal and assessment, otherwise they won’t know who they truly are. If they don’t try to step up to their pecking orders, they will remain judging themselves by their parents’ criteria, not their peers. Peer appraisal can be harsh by other people’s (outsiders’) standards.
Within the framework of any newly forming pecking order there is continual posturing and competition. This needs to be channelled in such a way that it doesn’t lead to violence, intolerance and hatred, and this is mostly the case. As with competition in nature, 99% of the time it remains posturing—bravado—challenge and risk without going too far. I encourage the professionals to let these jostlings occur naturally and not to interfere. Pecking orders often give adolescents a sense of belonging, which they haven’t had before.
People can gain strength from their Gamma status in the pecking order, however lowly and demeaning this may appear to others. A few years ago I worked in the wilderness with a diverse group of teenagers, some from social services and others from well-off backgrounds. They divided and kept separate for the majority of the time, occasionally pushing the boundaries of their groupings, but mostly remaining in their social class. Early one morning I sat with the kids from social services. We poked sticks into the fire, we brewed tea, we chatted and laughed ,and there was a strong feeling of bond, mutual support, and camaraderie. After a while one of the boys from the other group woke up and came to join us at the fire. Through no fault or action of his, the atmosphere changed instantly: it became awkward and silent. The boys I was with withdrew; they chose to maintain the status quo.
To some extent the magic was lost, but it was also safer and more secure for those boys to inhabit familiar territory. The social standing to which these boys were conforming can be likened to the ‘Geeks and Jocks’ of America. As teenagers, the majority of us know which side of the divide we stand. Accepting our place can enable us paradoxically to gain status. Those geeks who know they are geeks, can attempt to become Alpha geeks. In recent years the portrayal of the geek as hero has become a strong motif in Hollywood, and it has shifted the balance of power.
So, despite apparent lowly status, boys can find self belief and confidence within their social group. ‘Belonging’ is a very powerful thing, and it reflects knowing your limitations and strengths. When I talked later about the incident with the boys this came over very strongly in their discussion. They said they were happy for the Alpha boys to be in charge of the fire most of the time, to make things happen, and they observed such actions with detachment and humour. That morning, through circumstance, they’d taken control of the fire for a period of time; they’d taken control on their terms and in their own particular way. Not stacking loads of wood and creating a huge conflagration, but sticking in the ends of sticks and making them glow. This had made them happy. As one of the lads said, ‘I don’t want to be so aggressive and competitive. That kind of behaviour looks very exhausting to me.’
Often those professionals opposed to the idea of pecking order are the ones who behave that way. As a test of this I remind them of the decisions they made (conscious and unconscious) when they entered the room for our training session. Who am I going to sit next to? I won’t sit too close to her. He’s a bit loud and bright, I don’t want to sit with him. Do I sit at the front of the class? Do I sit at the back? Pecking orders are acted on all the time, even when we are supposedly ‘grown up’.
Read more on Puberty on The Good Life.
Image credit: Harry Willis/Flickr
I don’t like the idea of calling this “pecking order” as insinuates some kind of violence but yes, some boys are more social, stronger, or smarter. In the end, we’re all more “something” than other people and it would be a great lost to amputate those people of their strengts in the name of “egalitarism” (or should I say, “conformism”?).
How many people pretend to want to abolish pecking orders, while in fact they are just bitter of not being the one at the top of it? Feminists have a pecking order of their own, too.
I get the feeling that my point sailed over people’s heads and now the conversation is too old and dead to contribute. Really ‘ballgame’s comment gets to the core of what I wanted to say. TimR seems to be an apologist for interpersonal hierarchy among men, but it’s pretty clear, even from what TimR describes, that these hierarchies (pecking orders) are harmful for those who are on the bottom. I compared it to the supposed white male domination of the world, but that’s ultimately a separate issue. If blacks dominated whites it would still be bad. When feminists criticize men,… Read more »
“Pecking orders often give adolescents a sense of belonging, which they haven’t had before.” Amen…., There is a 60# boy on my son’s middle school team- there are many 160# boys on the team– he has no business playing this sport, it’s dangerous for him and unfair, on some level, for those players who must be solicitous of his fragility.[ Last year on a travel team we had a 200# African prince ( literally) who spent too much time in the box for what would not be called fouls were he not so much bigger.] I asked, my boy and… Read more »
Where do the “Screw you, I’m doing my thing, I don’t care for your pecking order” person comes in?
They’re not making rules, they’re not supplicating either. Lone wolves mostly. By choice or resignation, but they opted out.
Where are they?
These references to Aplhas and Betas are absurd. Future generations will look back on this nonsense and think we have lost our collective minds. Boys with strong leadership qualities used to be taught and disciplined and encouraged. Now those traits are mocked and ridiculed or seen as dangerous. But girls with the same traits are encouraged and supported and promoted – in more ways than one. What are boys in that group supposed to do? Some will become bullies. Most will just become passive. The idea that all ‘alphas’ are evil is literally absurd. We are losing whole generations of… Read more »
Nick, while there is a great deal of truth to what you say, your post evinces a clear neglect of the devastating impact that hierarchies — particularly violent male dominance hierarchies — can and do have on those towards the bottom. The confidence-sapping impact of being bullied can and does have a lifetime impact on many of its victims. As a society, we recognize that it’s wrong for, say, boys to harass girls. Though the effectiveness of intervention may be spotty in those cases, there’s generally an understanding that it’s often obligatory. There’s no reason we should expect anything less… Read more »
Ballgame, I concur with what you say. Sadly, there are many adults who have no problem at all with bullying in the schools. Somehow I don’t think that bothers Nick much. After all, only alphas count (supposedly).
The answer then is to teach virtue. It is an old-fashioned and politically incorrect idea – that principles and virtues really do exist. But that is the only way to address it. Every civilization has known this. We have forgotten it. Mocking and ridiculing masculinity does not work. The only result is shame and humiliation. The boys and men who have a strong conscience are too feminized to stand up to the bullies – and bullies will always abuse, regardless of the time we live in. Strong men of character are needed. And that means men who are willing to… Read more »
The pecking order among men and boys will always exist. It is considered wrong and offensive by feminists because it does not fit with the ideal of female communication, which is the only acceptable view today. But attempts to destroy it in the name of feminism will never work. Teaching boys the traditional virtues of courage, honor, fair play, protection of the weak and respect for others is the only way to deal with it. It has been true for centuries. It is only in the madness and fantasy of our own time that illusions about Social Constructs and the… Read more »
Tim, what I’m about to say is not a criticism of you. I wholeheartedly agree with you that the traditional values should be taught to boys. But I have the following comment to make based upon what I personally witnessed as I was growing up and what I’ve heard over the years from other guys: “Protection of the weak and respect for others”? You’ve got to be kidding! I never saw those values practiced at any of the schools I attended as I was growing up. I’ll tell you something else: The two values I’ve just quoted above are rejected… Read more »
I don’t mind criticism. That’s fine. I have seen bullying too. The only answer is to teach courage. Get past the bitterness and tell them to stand up as men. And never mind all the feminist “men are evil rapists” stuff. Men will silently put up with that misandry and then leave broken and humiliated. Masculine strength is needed, and that can be very quiet. But it means that those who are bullied have a place to go. Bullied boys and girls can be protected by men – but NOT by men who are degraded and taught to be ashamed… Read more »
Hi, I’m back. 🙂 I really wasn’t criticizing you. I had a headache when I posted; so, I was in a bad mood. I probably should have stayed offline. I’m in agreement with you. There are some men today who believe in protecting the weak and respecting others, and I admire them. Bullied kids need mentors. They need to be taught how to deal with their problem. This is not blaming the victim. I learned from my own personal experience that bullies are often attracted to any manifestation of a lack of self-confidence. Of course, this is not a factor… Read more »
“It is true what these other professionals say about pecking orders, but I have also observed it to be normal and expected. We shouldn’t suppress it; by doing so, we will only make it more extreme. We need to work alongside it.” The way I read this piece, it sounds like we need to accept pecking orders not because they are healthy, but because they are unavoidable. Really, what you describe sounds rather sad to me. The “gamma” boys around the campfire all suddenly retreat into their shells at the mere presence of a “alpha” boy. It sounds like they… Read more »
This sounds like a science fiction film with Evil White Men as the villains. The idea of permanent victimization is unfortunately attractive, with the world divided between Good Feminists and Race Activists and Evil White Men. But it is quite dangerous to see the world in those terms – however attractive it may be to take on the Oppressed Victim title. At some point we may regain sanity and perspective and the importance of the individual. But it will likely be a very long time. Until then we will have to live in a fantasy world of gamma and betas… Read more »