It’s easy to train an elephant.
All you need to do is tie a baby elephant’s leg to a tree or a stake, and soon enough, it succumbs to the reality that escape is impossible. As it grows, the elephant clings to this belief, enabling farmers in Thailand to lead the giant animal around by a flimsy rope made of woven river reeds.
We are like those elephants.
While it’s hard not to come across a pop-psyche article describing beliefs from a mental perspective, there’s an additional component that’s less explored and one that I’ll get into later in this article. It’s not just our beliefs that bind us, but something much more powerful.
Limiting Beliefs
“Every person takes the limits of their own field of vision for the limits of the world.” — Arthur Schopenhauer
If our lives are like Instagram or TikTok, then our beliefs are the filters and effects. In those apps, we can choose to add virtual sunglasses, change our image to black and white, or add a rain of sparkly things to our image and send it to the world.
In reality, those filters were pre-installed in early childhood.
For example, a boy who grows up feeling loved, valued, and able to assert his individuality will likely hold a belief that people can and will meet his needs, he’s worthy of success, and he possesses an innate value. Most of the information he receives externally passes through a positive belief filter.
On the contrary, a boy who grows up belittled, unable to assert himself, and forced into playing a role to meet his parent’s needs, will likely form beliefs that his needs are unworthy of being fulfilled. He’s also likely to believe that pleasing other people at the expense of himself is the path to love and acceptance.
In a dysfunctional household, the child’s role often necessitates that certain emotions are forbidden, such as anger, sadness, or unbridled joy. This would be like putting a sepia tone filter on one’s life.
Of course, the spectrum of belief programming can include anything from violent or peaceful religions, what is “womanly” or “manly” behavior, whose job it is to bring home the bacon, and so on. Many of these are rooted deeply in the family system going back generations, so separating from these beliefs means swimming up a mighty stream.
Despite the difficulty, there can be life-changing benefits to breaking past patterns rooted in beliefs. However, there lies a hidden “gravity” to stay with what is known and familiar, even if we realize it’s harming us.
That gravity is feelings, and if beliefs are the filters, feelings are the fuel for action.
Limiting Feelings
“Do not give in too much to feelings. A overly sensitive heart is an unhappy possession on this shaky earth.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Think about the last time you were overcome with sadness, heartache, crushing disappointment, or a deep sense of rejection or abandonment. What did you do? How did you self-soothe?
Ben & Jerry have made for some pretty terrible therapists, yet people turn to self-destructive binge eating to avoid feelings, and ice cream has become synonymous with “eating one’s feelings.” People have gotten drunk, high, slept with people they had no intention of seeing again, all to feel better at the moment and worse the next day.
Why?
Because most people, myself included, were not taught the skills necessary to handle uncomfortable emotions or what is known as self-regulation. It wasn’t until middle age that I learned that avoiding feelings by numbing out or distracting myself was kicking the can down the road. It just got dirtier the longer it rolled.
So here’s the connection to beliefs —
When information passes through our belief filter, it triggers a particular feeling, and we tend to process that feeling as a factual representation of reality. In other words, it’s the feelings that end up determining how we act as a result of those beliefs, even if we intellectually know they’re toxic or untrue.
To add to the problem, most people don’t even know what they’re feeling at the time of action — they just act! Or, when action is necessary, they freeze. Therefore, I recommend that all my clients become acutely aware of what they’re feeling through the use of a Feeling Wheel.
There are two anecdotes heard throughout recovery rooms that I echo: “You’ve got to feel it to heal it and name it to tame it.” In other words, identifying the underlying emotions is critical to changing behavioral patterns.
The Next Right Action
“We don’t think our way into right action; we act our way into right thinking.” — Anonymous
The above quote is what I’ve been hearing and the one I’ve been using; however, it’s a modification of a quote by Bill Wilson, author of the Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book.” His quote is,
“You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.”
I like the modified version because it replaces the word “can’t” with “don’t.” What’s the distinction? I think that “can’t” is a little presumptive and absolute, while “don’t” is an action word. Whether or not we can think our way into right action is entirely up to the individual and the circumstance, but saying that we don’t implies that the practice of taking action is more valuable than thinking about it.
The implication behind the word “think” is not that we devalue conscious analysis or contemplation; people tend to overthink, worry, obsess, and ruminate endlessly, thereby either forgoing action or acting out of fear or another negative emotion. Humans are notorious for falling under “analysis paralysis” or acting per their old beliefs.
Perhaps the most significant benefit to this method is that without some form of pattern interruption — which all recovery processes start with — the same harmful patterns will play out over and over despite our best “thinking.” Thus, taking what’s known as contrary action is necessary despite the corresponding thoughts and feelings.
Doing things differently, even if beneficial, is likely to stir up uncomfortable feelings and challenge beliefs in most circumstances. Therefore, acting in a new way and letting the beliefs and feelings catch up is infinitely more powerful than waiting until the thoughts and feelings change and then taking action.
The Next Right Inaction
“The best way out is always through.” — Robert Frost
“Wait, inaction? You just said to take action instead of think, right?”
Yes, I did, but I’m not talking about thinking here. I’m talking about feeling.
Now is when you put the pint of Ben & Jerry’s back in the freezer, sit down, and feel the uncomfortable feelings in their entirety. I mean, grab a box of tissues, close your eyes, and dig deep. Let everything come to the surface, and if you need to cry, do it. Get ugly about it — there should be no one to impress here.
Why am I suggesting this? Because it’s worked wonders for me and my ability to handle discomfort. It’s made it much easier for me to walk into situations that used to scare the shit out of me because I know that whatever happens, I can handle it. I now know that the feelings, while they might be excruciating in the moment and trigger fireworks of negative beliefs, I’ll be alright.
In the book Not Nice, author Aziz Gazipura likens dealing with uncomfortable feelings to taking a cold shower. At first, you hate it, and your body reacts strongly, but with repeated exposure, it not only becomes tolerable but somewhat pleasurable.
Many coaches who specialize in anything from sales to business to dating recommend trying to get rejected. It even becomes a numbers game where “no’s” are more valuable than “yes’s” early in the client’s journey, which leads to a tolerance for rejection. The same principle applies to any other feeling, so before you reach for your go-to distraction, try just sitting in the discomfort until it loses its power over you.
When your life ceases to be ruled by old beliefs and uncomfortable feelings, you will experience the freedom you’ve only dreamed of. You will realize that you’re a full-grown elephant with immense power to forge your own path.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Glen Carrie on Unsplash