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Responsibility. Just taste that word for a minute. Does it sit comfortably? For me, it feels heavy and carries a sense of impending judgment—like something’s being taken away from me. Maybe freedom.
I don’t think I’m alone in my discomfort with it, and perhaps that’s a tell-tale symptom of a more significant underlying problem.
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What is responsibility?
Responsibility is the counterpart to freedom. It’s an attitude and behavior. A choice. The foundation of personal power, and influence.
Responsibility is doing what you say you’ll do, keeping your promises, and other people’s secrets. Putting something else ahead of your own immediate desires. Working and living for a cause greater than yourself, regardless how big or small that cause is. Accepting the consequences of your actions, or inactions. It means accountability and leadership, starting of course with leading yourself.
I think the subject is even more relevant these days because men’s responsibilities have shifted. It was straightforward and simple until recently: men went out to work to provide for the family, and women looked after the children and the household. But for many of us, that’s no longer the default setting.
Sometimes responsibility is thrust upon you by circumstance, like having to care for someone or fight to protect something. But even then, not everyone picks up the gauntlet and accepts their role.
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Why would we fear responsibility?
Associating it with obligation and burden, instead of the power and benefit it brings, is a dangerous lesson that’s hard to overcome.
These days we can access almost anything we want, with minimal cost or effort. Food, clothes, gadgets, travel, information, sex, sugar, intoxicants and entertainment, are all a few clicks away. And technology always seems to race ahead of wisdom.
With so much emphasis on getting what we want—or even worse, what we ‘deserve’—it’s easy to lose sight of the other side of it: which is what we are prepared to give in return. Which doesn’t mean the money you paid for it.
It also seems like everyone wants to assert their rights and protect their freedom. We’re all oppressed, and it’s just not fair. Some people even try to claim their right to be respected or not to be offended. But if you want respect, the way to get it is by demonstrating responsibility for what you have. And if you want freedom of speech, then be prepared to hear something you don’t like.
Freedom is only part of the story and half of the truth… That is why I recommend that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast.
Victor Frankl—Psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning.
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Perhaps there’s an even more profound root around controlling the population, which some would say is ingrained in our culture, with religion playing its part too. The liberal Christian theologian Bishop John Shelby Spong puts it this way:
The church doesn’t like for people to grow up because you can’t control grown-ups. That’s why we talk about being born again. When you’re born again, you’re still a child. The people don’t need to be born again, they need to grow up; they need to accept their responsibility for themselves in the world.
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The price of avoiding responsibility
Avoiding responsibility for your actions, and even for your perception and worldview, means staying in a childlike state. You get to blame everyone else, and maybe get pity, but you never experience what it’s like to take the wheel.
The excuses might be comforting, but that addiction holds you back from feeling what it’s like to actually have control over your life. The result could be never building wealth or experiencing having influence, or missing out on the kind of opportunities that come to people who are ready for them.
I’m learning that responsibility means getting into the driver’s seat, and that’s a great feeling. Starting with a massive boost to my self-worth, which filters down through every part of my life. And like most things, a little leads to more, as you get better at it and start enjoying it.
Where to begin? A good start is just by looking in the mirror and getting yourself together. Success starts at home, just start with your health and your money.
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Your health is your responsibility
It struck me recently that now that I’m married, my body isn’t just mine anymore. It also belongs to my wife, our life together and my future family. And I want to be around for a long while and see my kids (and maybe my grandkids) grow up.
That puts a different light on looking after myself—which for me means drinking less wine and getting to the gym more. In exchange for the ‘right’ to have a wife who loves me, and all the benefits that being married brings, my responsibility is to take care of my body as if it were hers. Because in a way it is.
Even if you’re single, you have people in your life who love you and are glad you’re alive. Your life means something to them. And you can also never know how far the ripples of your life spread— affecting people you’ve never heard of, in situations you can’t even imagine. And that’s a pretty good reason to take care of yourself.
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Your money is your responsibility
Our programming often comes from childhood, when we make up a story to make sense of the confusing world around us, and carry it into adulthood without even realizing. And sometimes lousy programming comes from good intentions.
Two years ago, I attended a course called the Millionaire Mind Intensive—that teaches you that how you think, is the most important factor in how wealthy you are. Through some reflection, I realized that the reason I’d never accumulated any significant wealth, even though I’d always made a good living, was fear of responsibility.
I didn’t know it then, but I feared having too much money because I didn’t feel I was responsible enough to handle it. I always tried to get rid of it! I never saved or invested, and it all got frittered away.
Though I take responsibility for all my actions (because to not do so would be dramatically missing the point), I can see that that ‘program’ might have stemmed from the well-meaning messages I got from my mother when I was growing up.
She had a tricky upbringing and had to grow up very quickly to take care of her much younger brother. As a result, she tells people even now—in the most loving way—not to grow up and to stay a child. Of course, what she means, is don’t lose all the magic and keep your dreams alive. But that’s not what I heard. And to a sensitive boy like me, making mother happy was important. So, without realizing it, I decided not to grow up.
But now, I can see that for what it is. I’ve spoken with her about it, and we both understand that the effect and the intentions were entirely different things. Now I have financial ‘pots’ (savings accounts) for things like taxes and long-term savings—which I even enjoy putting money into—and I’ve started investing in property. But it took that understanding and mindset shift, to change my actions to financially healthier ones.
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To quote Dr. Jordan Peterson: (If you want a happy, meaningful life) “Burden yourself with so much responsibility that you can barely stand.”
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