The Lie of ‘Finding Yourself’ We All Fell For

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” — George Bernard Shaw

We’ve all been told at some point: “Go find yourself.”

Social media sells us this idea. Society does, too.
As if “you” is some missing piece of treasure waiting to be uncovered in the right city, career, trip, relationship, or hobby.

And like most people, I bought into this idea.

I thought if I read enough books, travelled to enough places, met enough new people, or achieved enough things, I would stumble upon the “real me.” The one who had it all figured out.

But it never came.

Growing up, I was always praised for my potential.

My father especially always made me believe I could do anything. That confidence was a gift , but it also became a weight. Because if I could do anything, then why didn’t I know who I was yet? Why wasn’t I clear about my one “true path”? I kept thinking maybe the answer was out there, waiting for me. If I just searched harder, achieved more, and consumed more knowledge, it would click.

Except it didn’t. The harder I looked, the more lost I felt.

And then I realized something: there is no final version of me to find. I am not some static self buried beneath the noise. I am clay — soft, ever-changing, sometimes messy, but always shaped by my choices. And instead of being “found,” I am being built.

When I look back at my journals (I’ve kept them since I was 13), I don’t see one fixed version of me. I see dozens.

Each entry, each year, is a snapshot of who I was becoming at that time. Sometimes, I cringe at the old me. Sometimes, I want to hug her. Either way, it shows me something important: I was always in motion. I wasn’t waiting to be found , I was already becoming. Atleast, until the little me was fed the idea of “finding myself”.

And maybe that’s what we miss when we cling to the myth of “finding ourselves.”

It keeps us waiting.

Waiting for the big sign, the magical moment where everything clicks. But what if that moment never comes? What if, instead, you wake up and decide who you’re going to be today?

You don’t find yourself when you’re sitting around thinking. You create yourself when you act. When you show up for the workout even when you’d rather sleep in. When you dare to write a messy first draft. When you say no to something that doesn’t feel right. When you love someone, even though it makes you vulnerable.

The self isn’t hiding. The self is being sculpted. Every single day. By every choice you make.

So instead of asking “Who am I?” Maybe the real question is “Who do I want to be?”
And instead of searching for yourself like you’re lost, maybe you can just choose yourself .

One choice at a time.

— Anushka & Vishnu 🐾

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This post was previously published on medium.com.