I am desperately sick of being fat. This is not an issue of vanity, and it’s most certainly not an exercise in fat-shaming. It’s a matter of practicality. My excess weight is robbing me of my energy, my joy and quite possibly my very life.
I’ve been seriously working on this now for about five months. I have, with the help of a nutritionist, continued to tweak my eating habits and gradually my habits are improving.
And whilst I know I have lost weight, as my clothes are looser, it is a slow process.
And that is because I have vehemently resisted facing the elephant in the room.
My nightly wine habit
I started a ‘most nights’ wine habit about six years ago, shortly after I broke free from my first marriage, a relationship in which I had been controlled, coerced, monitored and abused for many many years.
Suddenly I was free to be an adult, and if I wanted a glass of wine when I got in from the office, then damn, I was going to have it. Before long I was pouring a glass within moments of getting in the door, often having a second, or third, before the evening was over.
When I met my now husband, we quickly settled into the habit of splitting a bottle most evenings.
I would never have considered myself to be a problem drinker. Most people I know, certainly those who work in stressful careers like I do, think nothing of using coffee to get going, and wine to slow down.
But it has become an issue for me. Not only had I been avoiding facing my growing dependence on a highly addictive substance, but nightly wine is an obvious roadblock to my weight-loss.
It was also robbing me of my evenings and destroying my sleep.
I would crash easily, sometime between nine and ten, but wake in the early hours dehydrated and wide awake. Then I would lie there and ruminate on the worries of life for a couple of hours, falling back to sleep around four in the morning, only to be jolted from my slumber at five thirty to get on with the day.
The cycle continued. I knew it was wine, if I skipped the wine for a night, I slept like a baby.
So why couldn’t I just put it down?
I struggled because I believed the lies it was telling me.
The lies
After a ten plus hour day at the office, wine is the only way to switch off
This for me is the stand out reason why I kept drinking. I am a commercial lawyer with a busy practice. I work, on average, ten hours per day and often a few more on the weekend.
Over the last couple of years I have become acutely aware of my tendency to start thinking about my glass of wine mid-afternoon. My self-talk would go something like you will be able to put all this out of your head tonight, the wine will take it away.
Looking back I realize that I had fallen for the lie that a glass of wine is a ticket to a place where the worries of life temporarily melt away.
That’s a very slippery slope. The truth is, wine takes nothing away it just temporarily alters the normal functioning of your brain, and fools you into thinking you are having a break from your stress.
Social situations are alcohol situations
I would be five weeks alcohol free today, instead of four if it hadn’t been for one social gathering back in mid January. We had been alcohol free for a week and we had a friend who was celebrating her birthday. As we walked from our car to the bar, we decided to have a glass of bubbly, for no good reason other than that is what you do in bars.
It wasn’t until an hour later when I realized that one of the other ladies at the table was drinking Coke, that it occurred to me that she was as involved in the conversation as I was.
You do not need alcohol to socialize, but it loves to convince you otherwise.
You deserve this, you work so hard
I’m not going to delve to what we do and don’t deserve in life but if we are purely looking at wine as a reward for hard work, then we need to honestly look at what the actual reward is.
What is wine giving you in return for what it is taking?
The truths
Alcohol is addictive, even in small quantities.
I have tried to stop drinking before, applying will-power. I have gone several weeks with grit and determination. It’s no fun, it’s really hard work.
It’s hard work because inside all those rows of pretty bottles in the liquor store is a highly addictive substance.
And many of us are hooked.
Wine can destroy your sleep, it does mine
Since I stopped drinking, I need to ensure that I actually wind down for sleep. I can’t just go to bed and fall asleep like I could after a half a bottle. I need peace and quiet and ideally time away from screens before I can nod off.
I’m fortunate to live in a apartment building with an indoor heated pool and I now use it most evenings. A sleep before bed does wonders. It’s a wonderful thing to drift into sleep knowing you have seven or so hours of slumber ahead and that you won’t wake parched and wide awake at 2am.
This is a very common problem, particularly it seems from my research, for middle aged women.
I put down the wine, and have never slept so well.
Alcohol is empty calories, and thwarts your efforts to lose weight
We went away to Tasmania for a two week holiday at Christmas, and drank every day, often at lunchtime as well as dinner. I could barely take my rings off, my hands were so swollen. My clothes got tighter while I was away.
Within weeks of stopping the wine my rings, and clothes are looser.
And I have the energy, time and motivation to cook nutritious meals and exercise.
For me alcohol not only adds empty calories to my diet, but thwarts my desire to make the changes necessary to improve my health, and stick with them.
Wine steals your time, money and joy
Bottom line, daily alcohol is a thief. It steals your time by altering your brain functioning and taking away your motivation. It takes your money, for us at least ninety dollars a week, and it robs you of joy, because you can’t be bothered doing the things that bring joy.
Four weeks without wine
In early January I started to read This Naked Mind. I’m only part way through the book, and I haven’t picked it up for a few weeks. But for reasons I can’t yet explain, something in the book flicked a switch in my mind.
I suddenly saw wine for what it is, and for what it was taking from me. I put it down, and that has not been particularly difficult. When I work out why, I will write about it.
In the meantime, I’m enjoying having my evenings back. Before it was wine, shower, eat and collapse. Now I enjoying cooking, an evening swim, reading, conversations with my husband.
I have taken back my evenings, and I’m sleeping like a baby.
Wine isn’t worth it.
Because wine is lying to you.
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Previously published on medium
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