I can picture it now.
You’ve broken through the honeymoon phase of your new relationship, and things are seemingly going perfectly fine.
All of a sudden, your partner pulls away.
You begin to question yourself, your partner, and your relationship.
Don’t panic!
While you get caught in the emotional components of your relationship, there is an underlying behavioral component at the core: attachment styles.
In the power struggle phase of a relationship, your attachment style becomes most prevalent.
Actions that strengthen bonds with your partner will create the happy partnership you hope for, and here are a few tips for building your relationship if you have a dismissive-avoidant partner.
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Space
One of the scariest things to hear is that your partner needs space. Often it is a prerequisite to a breakup. That is not the case for the dismissive-avoidant.
Dismissive avoidants use space as a method to self-soothe and regulate their emotions. They often were not heard in past relationships, so they rely on themselves.
- When you feel that your partner is shutting down, see through the lens that they are recuperating rather than distancing themself from you.
- Communicate that you see their need for space and be available if they feel comfortable after recharging.
- Acknowledging your partner’s need for space will open the door for them to come to you instead of isolating themselves.
It is a process the dismissive-avoidant must go through, but at the end of this “struggle” is a partner that will give you their trust.
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Strain
A dismissive avoidant’s nightmare is to feel overwhelmed with pressure. It is one of the triggers that will get them to shut down.
Feeling pressure will trigger the defective wound in their mind, and they will take simple statements and turn it into an issue personal to them.
Communication is key.
- You can not wait until the need turns into anger; you always, you never, I wish you would.
- Present your desires in the form of we and not as a criticism of your partner.
- Communicate that you feel that these objectives would help you as a couple, rather than speaking about how it helps you.
Your partner will respond well if they have a task that benefits both of you. Criticism makes the dismissive-avoidant feel that they are not enough. When they feel this way, they will immediately shut down.
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Pace
A dismissive-avoidant won’t dodge a relationship, but they certainly won’t rush into one either. Dismissive avoidants are constantly aware of the status of their relationships, so they aren’t dug in too deep.
- Don’t worry; they are not avoiding commitment. Being hyper-aware of the status of a relationship is a need for this attachment style.
- It is a process for them to shift their lifestyle and mindset towards adjustments to relationships in their life.
- Do not use this as a point of criticism, or your partner will shut down.
Set the pace for your relationship by having an open line of communication from the standpoint of “we.” Your partner will respond well to a mutual goal but not if they feel pressure.
Make sure you don’t sacrifice your needs to meet their timeline. Communicate what you want, but ask how you can meet your partner in the middle.
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Action items
Let me give you a quick example that will summarize the following point. What if I told you, “I am making dinner tonight; can you grab some bread?”
To some of you, that makes sense. To a dismissive-avoidant, it is very unclear. What type of bread? How much?
- Dismissive avoidants hate feeling helpless. If they have a task they don’t know how to complete, they will revert to isolation and shutting down again.
- Create action items around your needs, and be sure to go beyond the base level.
- “I need intentional time” is not an action. Describe what actions categorize as intentional time.
Create visuals for your partner; so they do not have to play the guessing game. Once they know what your needs are in the form of action, dismissive avoidants can show up and be reliable.
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Conclusion
Make sure you are not reading this article as a way to adjust to your partner’s needs and ignore yours in the process.
Your partner should be consistently working on the core wounds and triggers that create these needs, with the mindset that it is for “us.”
Dismissive avoidants will rush to isolation when they feel overwhelmed.
This guide is a method to transform your partner’s mentality and add to their growth process.
These tips will help you understand your partner and open the line of communication that dismissive avoidants rely on for healthy relationships.
The number one tip is to remember this is about “we.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Milan Popovic on Unsplash
