We’re not wracked by guilt, Tom Matlack writes, we’re amazed by the men who made something when nothing was left.
Was The Good Men Project was born out of some deeply rooted sense of male guilt? I’ve been asked that question more than once. People ask me whether the unstated goal has always been to confess our sins and try—in vain—to stop feeling like we always need to atone for something. Most of the people who ask this question happen to be women.
However, the GMP is the exact opposite. It’s born out of the idea that men need to talk about everything—sex, relationships, fatherhood, work, sports, race, class, prison, and war—and do so in the most personal terms possible.
If tone is too often redemptive, it’s because those are the kinds of guys that other guys find inspiring. They are our heroes. The guys who show courage in the face of adversity, who don’t lie down when they lose a wife or get locked up. He’s not apologizing; he’s changing every cell of his body, trying to build a better man and prove all that is possible.
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I met a man who committed murder in a drug-induced blackout and, as a result, will never leave prison. He had visits with his wife and held his baby son only during visiting hours. As his boy grew into a teenager, he had to accept that his son didn’t want to come to see him as much, not because the boy loves him any less, but because he has a life to lead on the outside.
I met a talented artist whose wife came down with the flu on Easter. She started getting better and then, all of a sudden, she got sicker. A lot sicker. He took her to the hospital. Within 24 hours, her lungs shut down from a rogue infection, and the mother of his young daughter was dead. There was nothing he could have done; yet he still has to deal with the understanding that if he had been able to somehow see the signs earlier, the outcome might have been different.
I met a man stricken with drug addiction throughout most of his adult life. His eldest son often broke into his locked closet to score drugs. That eldest son died of a drug overdose. This man’s only remaining child, another son, overdosed as well. He watched as a medical team brought him back from death with a heart defibrillator.
I met a man who worked as a medic for the army in Iraq. He lost many of his comrades, but one day a civilian town was hit with mortars. Whole families were killed. Mother’s brought their wounded children to the army hospital and begged him to save them. His job was to decide which of these children could be saved and which could not. Deciding the fate of one particular child stuck with him for years after he got home, causing profound post-traumatic stress and threatening to ruin his marriage and his life.
I met more than one proud father and husband who lost his job in the most recent economic downturn, had to allow the bank to foreclose on his home and, at least in one instance, declare personal bankruptcy.
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Bad shit—truly bad shit—can happen to good men. But that’s not the point. That is life. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s a sonofabitch.
No, the point isn’t the tragedy; it’s what happens next. That’s where the real story is. That’s the whole point. When our manhood—our humanity—hangs in the balance. It’s way beyond any sense of guilt. Guilt doesn’t mean shit when the chips are really down. The real question: How am I going to make something of myself and of a life that has gone profoundly off course?
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While inside, the inmate got his high school, undergraduate, and graduate degrees, trying to be the best father he could be to a son he would never see outside. The artist raised his daughter on his own and, in time, remarried, gaining a son and building a new family without ever forgetting his first wife. The father and remaining son both became and stayed sober; now they smoke cigars as they look out over the beach where they lost a son and a brother. The medic sought treatment for PTSD and, when he had recovered, took a full-time position coordinating outreach to other soldiers suffering from post-traumatic-stress and combat-related brain injuries. The guy who declared bankruptcy had to move his family more than once but ultimately found a job and went back to work.
It sounds simple, but in each case it was not. It took guts, and a lot of it. Blood, sweat, and, yes, a lot of tears. Each of these men cried in front of me—not out of guilt, but out of pain. Out of the desire to live a different and better life. They all found a way to achieve that goal.
The point is that by hearing these stories, and dozens like them, I was changed. I didn’t feel any more or less guilty about being a man. I felt inspired by the men who had faced down real adversity and done something positive in response. They weren’t paralyzed by some imagined man-guilt. Instead, they realized something else: what matters is what you do with your life when the chips are down.
—Photo by Stephen Sheffield
Stewart, an author, wrote in his preface to “Pickett’s Charge” that it has a lesson for us all today. Must not each of us once, if not daily, hear the call to rise, cross the field, and go up against the guns? Perfectly true. And, as Kipling says, there are different kinds of courage. It’s one thing “when there’s cover to ‘and and leave and likin’ to shout. But to stand and be still to the BIrkenhead Drill is a damn’ tough bullet to chew.” And there’s Father Damian. And sometimes we can learn from other people. Many times, perhaps.… Read more »
I think this was a powerful article. I saw the comments stating that the “I met a man” examples are not sited or referenced, but the truth is that those are very real and common examples in today’s world, yesterday’s world, and tomorrow’s world. Yes, we all fall at some point, and it’s what you do after that I took away from this. Maybe murder isn’t the dark cloud that follows you or watching children die in your arms. Maybe it’s the fact that you haven’t given an honest 8 hours at work, really working for your employers, for months.… Read more »
As an lecturer on western ideas and a researcher on masculinity i’ve had the opportunity to use the good men project several times – not to analyse the discussions going on, but to point to the site as an example of the way that discussion can now go on, that debate can take place, that the idea(s) of what it means to be a man in today’s worlds can be discussed…. this is why I keep coming back, why I keep reading.
Life is a bitch, then you die. Some of the “I met a man…” examples cited are not valid examples of “bad shit can happen to good men,” but examples of those making choices; bad choices resulting in bad outcomes. When you are driving down a road and cross into oncoming traffic you need to expect bad shit to happen. The real, un-addressed question is how to avoid making bad choices or mingling with those that help in making them. This simplistic article avoids posting the real issues and instead wanders about trying to make a point out pointlessness. Maybe… Read more »
Thanks Michael. There are a lot of days I am not so sure what the heck this is all about either. But then I read something inspiring and from a perspective that I never considered before and I too remember. It’s an aspiration through discussion is the closest I can come to defining why “goodness”
You know, I have been thinking a lot today about why you named this site the way you named it. This morning, while I was taking my after-gym shower, I was thinking… “Why did they call it the Good Men Project? Isn’t that going to make everyone think it’s about ‘good men,’ as if in contrast to the typical, inherently ‘bad men’?” But the signs are all there: it’s about the _discussion_, wherein some voices are, in fact, saying men are in many ways inherently bad; and others are saying men are awesome; and others are saying men are just… Read more »
Inspiring article. There is a good amount of content on this site about the positive aspects of men redeeming themselves after failure or improving their lives after setbacks. This is helpful in that I’m sure there are people who see these stories and reflect on their own lives, and see opportunities to be better men. But there is still a fair amount of needless male bashing on the site. There are plenty of articles denigrating men’s sexuality, motives and character. There is too much about male failure which is not about redemption and improvement. And there is very little about… Read more »
Hi Linguist,
We would actually like more articles about the very things you speak of. Would you be willing to contribute a post about any of those topics you see as important — or help us find people who would? We are happy to run more content about all those things — all we need are contributors who want to contribute.
You or anyone else can email me at [email protected] with posts about men’s issues you think are important.
Thanks for your continued contributions to the dialogue.
Lisa
I have to agree with you Linguist. Many of the articles I’ve read hear seem to stem from feminist thinking or female point of view. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but the topics need the balance of a mans point of view. Often, if it weren’t for the male commentors here, I’d never see or hear a mans perspective on the feminine ones I already know. I came hear to listen and learn, not hear my mind running on the same tired path. Keep it up guys! I’ve had the chance to hear things I’ve never considered, things that… Read more »
Thanks. I agree. The comments are often the best part. One of my favorite things is about the site is the number of men who comment critically on some of the normally unquestioned “political correctness” that we all have to live with. I always find it encouraging when I read posters question man bashing on GMP.
Perhaps the reason women ask this question the most is because guilt is too often used as a tool to manipulate men. This was certainly the case with my first wife. I understand that at the time she was codependent and felt powerless as a woman. Wasn’t that the whole reason for the women’s movement? I’d like to ask all the women out there, have you ever felt guilty? I won’t believe you if you say no. I readily admit I’ve felt guilty. And ashamed. Especially after the breakdown of my first marriage. Guilt can be a good thing when… Read more »
If you would like to contribute a post on that very topic, we would love to publish. Email to [email protected] thanks!