The Male Loneliness Epidemic Is Real

For many years the notion that men are especially lonely has come up in men’s work groups. No doubt many of these men are lonely. Among other reveals is that such individuals are self-selected for these men’s-only discussion groups. They are likely to be seeking self-improvement, self-realization and personal growth. So, overall, not a representative sample by any measure.

Far more glamorous and impactful was the U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy’s 71-page advisory warning of an American “epidemic of loneliness and isolation” released in 2023; and the 2021 Harvard Making Caring Common project on loneliness in which 36% of respondents reported feeling chronically lonely within the past month. Both acknowledge the difficulty in defining something as subjective as loneliness.

Around the time of the surgeon general’s advisory warning, the World Health Organization announced that it would make loneliness a “global public health concern” to be examined world-wide.

These reports and studies set off alarm bells and sparked considerable attention and debate. The response became a significant industry of anti-loneliness efforts. The New York Times in 2024 noted that loneliness had been upgraded to:

“A celebrity condition to be unpacked in an apparently endless cascade of front-page articles and self-help books… There are now hundreds of podcast episodes devoted to loneliness, as well as a slew of start-ups like Belong Center, an anti-loneliness nonprofit.”

We knew that things were getting serious when several European countries appointed “ministers of loneliness.”

In an odd way loneliness had become popular, even chic, in the popular imagination.

Feminists are fond of citing the gender-stratified results of a 2019 Cigna study showing that men and women are equally lonely:

“In 2019, 57% of men and 59% of women reported being lonely. Loneliness levels were close to equal in 2018 as well, with 53% of men and 54% of women reporting feelings of loneliness.”

Startlingly high numbers for both men and women. But as is the case with all data reported by non-scientists, we need to look deeply to find the useful bits. For example, the Cigna report links family connection with loneliness:

“Less than half of lonely adults (45%) report that their family has usually supported them through life either “quite a bit” or “a lot,” compared to 78% of non-lonely adults.”

Then there the issue of age:

“Young adults are twice as likely to be lonely than seniors. 79% of adults aged 18 to 24 report feeling lonely compared to 41% of seniors aged 66 and older.”

The surgeon general’s report points out that American households have changed during the last half-century:

“In 1960, single-person households accounted for only 13% of all U.S. households. In 2022, that number more than doubled, to 29% of all households.”

The same report indicates that social connection, in this case defined as “community involvement” is at an all-time low:

“In 2018, only 16% of Americans reported that they felt very attached
to their local community.”

This includes participation in clubs, religious groups, labor unions, civic organizations and community events. The same changes were reported in extraordinary detail by social researcher Robert Putnam in his book “Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community.”

Let’s recap:

• Is there any evidence that a male loneliness epidemic exists? Yes.
• Is there evidence that men experience loneliness any more than women? No.
• What about evidence that the social structure of 21st century life has changed? Yes, indeed.

Regarding this last point, many have reported on the societal changes that appear related to male loneliness. Imash Dilhara recently addressed the topic in The Good Men Project newsletter. Among these changes, Mr. Dilhara includes:

• Social Isolation: despite technological connectedness, many men become progressively more isolated as they age. [Note the conflicting data regarding seniors and loneliness.]
• Job Insecurity: Work plays a very strong role in male identity. As employment becomes less stable, male workers’ self-worth declines.
• Romantic Disillusionment: Modern dating, dominated by social media apps, creates a competitive landscape where many men feel left behind.
• Masculinity Norms: The outdated belief that men should be stoic and self-reliant discourages them from seeking help or expressing vulnerability.

But the key question may be something entirely different. Let’s carefully construct a new query:

Do men experience loneliness differently as compared to women?

A benefit of all the renewed attention to loneliness is an explosion of serious research into the subject, with several key reveals:

Women are far more lonely than men, even when in an intimate relationship with a man. But women are more inclined toward corrective action to seek and build community.

Men are less likely than women to report that loneliness is a problem.

Women are more likely than men to reach out to a wider network for emotional support.

Upon separating from a marriage or intimate relationship, women report a two-fold increase in loneliness whereas men report a 13-times increase in loneliness.

Loneliness increases with greater individualism and decreases with age.

That men experience loneliness differently suggests that their outlooks and life experiences are considerably different from women. Women are raised within strong networks of communal relationships. Girls and women form communal bonds with female peers beginning as early as pre-school. Meanwhile boys and men are encouraged to be individualists, loners and staunch competitors.

For example, consciously or not, many men invest the entirety of their social lives in their female partners. Women who are partnered or married react in quite the opposite fashion, investing more social capital into their networks of friends and families. So when relationships fail, men are out in the cold.

Do men talk about loneliness? Of course not! As men they are expected to be independent, individualistic and relatively free of emotional expression other than anger.

Because of the way they are raised from boyhood, men are generally allowed friendships around mutual activities, sometimes known as shoulder-to-shoulder friendships. Women are far more inclined toward face-to-face friendships guided by the communal bonds already established among female peers.

The result? Men generally enjoy a considerable network of friends when immersed together in a common endeavor, college for example. For many men in the workforce, their main friendships are acquaintances at work, relatively weak bonds that fade when colleagues are transferred or move away. As they move into retirement, most men experience a sharp drop in the number of active friendships and peer group activities.

There are some notable exceptions, all mutual activities in which men are more likely to engage with a male peer or peer group: watching or participating in sports; fishing and hunting; religious activities; volunteer efforts; getting drunk at the local pub.

Why can’t men simply break from these patterns and invite each other to a non-alcoholic face-to-face activity, lunch perhaps? Some, very few, manage to break away. But most are stymied by a set of masculine rules effectively enforced by their male peers, in other words, the very same individuals with whom they would seek to be friends.

We are in a refractory period in how men define themselves. Many of us now perceive the strict limits of allowable masculinity whereas earlier generations acted seemingly by instinct. Those forebears believed that “acting like a man” was the only acceptable standard, and very much our nature as men.

We know today that nurture, or gender socialization, is at least as powerful an influence on men’s behavior as nature. In this antiquated and yet resurgent “man-box” culture, we may rightfully ask: So what are growing boys taught?

• Act tough, even in moments of fear or sadness.
• Be ‘self-sufficient’ and avoid showing emotions or asking for help.
• Be the breadwinner and avoid responsibility for household chores.
• Be competitive with peers, avoid anything that may appear ‘gay.’

And who enforces these restrictions on male expression? Mostly it is peers, other men. Women too, but in slightly different ways. Man-box culture is all about enforcement. These are not rules you can look up at the town hall. Rather, they are broadly accepted cultural expectations which most men notice only when they violate one of the rules.

What is the ultimate meaning or purpose of these restrictions on male expression and behavior? We can look to Mark Greene, one of the preeminent men’s work leaders from the last quarter century:

“The purpose… is to force conformity to our dominant culture of masculinity and to perpetuate the exploitation, domination, and marginalization of women and people who are queer, genderqueer and transgender.”

Yes, this is ugly portrait of men. Of course many liberal men will quickly deny that “domination” is their objective, and rightly so, since man-box culture informs interpersonal behavior, not conscious objectives. Other men today are engaged in quite intentional mutual partnerships with their female mates, a commendable advance from what they learned as children.

How is man-box culture related to male loneliness?

Homophobia forces most cis-men to eliminate or avoid many activities which promote friendship:

• A quiet discussion face-to-face: too touchy-feely.
• Touching, except for a firm handshake: too gay.
• Male peers revealing deep-seated emotional issues: absolutely not.
• Lunch dates not involving alcohol: a no-no.
• Reaching out to a friend when one is lonely: another no-no.

It should be obvious to most readers that there are many men who have made conscious efforts to move beyond these limitations, or are just more attuned to social connections and deep friendship. What are some of the signs for these individuals? The classic men’s full-body hug comes to mind. Or the arm around the shoulders for a troubled peer.

What does this say about men’s loneliness?

To the extent men are unaware of man-box socialization, then these interpersonal restrictions push them further and further toward loneliness. Even in cases where an individual man understands man-box culture and decides to move beyond it, oftentimes the road ahead is just too cluttered with the detritus of hyper-masculinity which informs our times.

Am I suggesting that male loneliness is self-imposed? For many men, yes.

Is there a way out of this loneliness dilemma? Yes, there are two ways. First, if one man finds another with similar views. Or if he is willing to take a small step toward community activities.

Are there consequences to breaking out of man-box culture? Yes, most definitely. Male peers may not respect you. Women may discount your value as a partner. This is all the more reason to find your compatible people, male and female, before launching yourself as a free-thinking and independent-minded whole person.

How is male loneliness related to the manosphere?

The manosphere is a varied collection of websites, blogs, and online forums promoting masculinity, misogyny, and opposition to feminism. Until recently, it existed as a fringe alternative to mainstream media, and a digital playground for men, particularly young men, to join-in and express a variety of views from skin hygiene to how to seduce a woman.

As featured recently in the New York Times, the manosphere has transitioned from it’s origins as a fringe bro forum, to challenge mainstream media, and it’s influencers have transformed into supporters of the hyper-masculine wing of conservative politics.

Without much in the way of empirical research, we can point out a few obvious features of this growing digital landscape:

• The growth of the manosphere was fueled by lonely and disengaged young men looking for alternatives to old-school male identity.
• Similar to most social media spaces, the growth of audiences has prompted a more extreme and radical tone to manosphere content. Today, openly violent and misogynistic content is frequently expressed.
• While many young men may derive a sense of community from these forums, the community is ultimately unrealized without real-life brotherly engagement.
• The disconnect between digital and real-life spaces has led many young men to experience more profound loneliness, and others to feel at least virtually engaged in serious if biased discussions of male identity.

So is the male loneliness epidemic real or imagined? Or a sexist myth?

Yes, it is both real and imagined. In the digital era, there is little difference between the real and the virtual; one supports the other.

No, loneliness is not strictly a men’s problem. The evidence suggests that women experience loneliness in roughly the same frequency and proportion as men.

But men appear to experience loneliness in ways significantly different from women. Men may experience loneliness more severely due to their limited social networks.

Male expression and behavior are restricted in ways reminiscent of traditional masculine-dominated culture, and this in turn limits their ability to engage in friendship with other men.

Is the male loneliness epidemic a sexist myth? No, I don’t see it that way, mostly because evidence shows that rates of loneliness are similar for both men and women, and this is not a zero-sum comparison. Ironically, both men and women appear equally lonely.

Yes, there is strong evidence that an epidemic of loneliness is occurring in the U.S. and most Western countries, and possibly elsewhere in the world.

What is holding men back from realizing a more communal spirit with peers?

While we may glimpse a refractory period in which more men realize the power to define themselves outside of societal standards, unfortunately we are also witnessing a resurgence of domination-based hyper-masculinity fiercely opposed to self-realization for men.

As the political winds shift, it is becoming risky to stand out as anything but an ordinary Joe. So yeah, loneliness is not going away any time soon.

…

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion program. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***

Does dating ever feel challenging, awkward or frustrating?

Turn Your Dating Life into a WOW! with our new classes and live coaching.

Click here for more info or to buy with special launch pricing!

***

—–

Photo credit: Francisco Moreno on Unsplash