Yes, children grow up and become survivors, says Rachel Bledsoe. But if you hurt us enough, you lose the privilege of being called “Daddy.”
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The first time I was called a “whore” was by my father. I was a preteen girl, not old enough to understand the word’s definition. My mother had always told me we were Pentecostals. Some people said we were ‘holy rollers.’ No one had ever told me I was a “whore,” until that youthful summer day.
When my father yelled what he thought I was, his outburst made me question who was right. Was I a Pentecostal or a whore? I haven’t spoken with my father in over five years. The last conversation I had with him, he called me a “whore.” Twenty years later, I knew exactly what the word meant and I knew what I was. My soul isn’t based in a religious affiliation. I’m ambitious and I strive towards being a good person. And, I’m definitely not a whore.
Women aren’t born as whores. Little girls don’t sit playing with their Barbies fantasizing about how much money old blonde hair, turned out Barbie can make Pimp Ken. Women are born as daughters.
I am a daughter once mired in “Daddy Issues.” And yet, I never wanted these “issues.”
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In my ignorant judgmental twenties, I went to a wedding where a woman younger than I married a man twice my age. I remarked, “She has Daddy issues.” I was stupid. When you point one finger at others, three fingers point back towards you. I am a daughter once mired in ‘Daddy Issues.’
And yet, I never wanted these ‘issues.’
Every Father’s Day, I avoid Facebook. I hate the pictures splattered across my news feed showing women with their daddies. They are littered with the caption, “Happy Father’s Day to the Best Dad in the World!” Girls are dressed up, brightly gleaming with love, as they head off with their fathers to a celebratory steakhouse dinner. They’re documenting the memorable times spent with their good fathers.
I want to be one of you. I wanted to dance at my wedding with a dad, not my dad. I wanted to dance with the little girl vision that I had in a father. The image he portrayed in my head would have been happy for me. In my mind’s eye he would have told me, “You deserve to be loved. You look so beautiful today.”
Should women be blamed for so-called “Daddy Issues” because the men who were supposed to love and nurture them are saturated with “Grown-Man Issues?”
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He only told me I was pretty once. He said the words after I gained a hundred pounds during my sophomore year in college. He said, “You aren’t a bad looking girl when you’re thin.” That’s it. A lifetime of tearing me down never found redemption in his one pathetic attempt. I am pretty, fat or thin. I was his daughter. I should have always been pretty to him.
Women wear the saddle of horrible childhoods, and in adulthood hot irons brand them with the words ‘Daddy Issues.’ I ask, is it their fault? Should women be to blame because the men who were supposed to love and nurture them are saturated with ‘Grown-Man-Issues?’
Therein is the root to having ‘Daddy Issues.’ Little daughters grow up symbolically covering the dirty tracks left by their fathers. These grown men place their issues on the backs of their daughters. They repeat a pattern.
Yet, many women carry the blame for their father’s inability and the patterns passed down to them and created in new generations. The abuse suffered becomes a societal joke. As a woman, I wore the label of my father’s issues. I took the mistreatment in seeking the father figure I never had. I set out looking for love because I was never loved from the beginning.
I was desperate for love and attention as I came into womanhood. However, I am not responsible for my father’s ‘Grown-Man-Issues.’ Those are his burdens to bear. He is, and always was, a horrible father. After thirty years, I finally made a decision. I stopped being his daughter. His ‘Grown-Man-Issues’ were a constant stabbing knife to both of his daughters’ hearts. There comes a time where you are forced to finally pull the knife out, wipe the blood off, and walk away. You bandage the deep wounds and begin to heal.
I am not responsible for my father’s “Grown-Man-Issues.” Those are his burdens to bear. He is, and always was, a horrible father. After 30 years, I finally made a decision. I stopped being his daughter.
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It took me several bandages to heal the scars left by my father. I sought counseling. I took the psychiatric drugs prescribed, and for a while I stopped feeling the pain. I stopped remembering the way a belt tore into my flesh, and how a hand burned across my face. I became an addict. I needed the drugs to not feel, they would always numb my raging anger.
In order to heal, I had to feel. People harness their own energy. We use it daily whether it is through our work or creativity. I sought out a different therapy which finally allowed me to make peace with my abuse. Through a practice called Reiki, I found the desire and energy to heal myself.
Reiki is a Japanese technique that allows healing energy to be administered by a therapist through a non-touch massage. In this therapy, people are taught to harness their own life force; their energy. The energy I was using as hatred and self-loathing coupled in resentment was transformed into self love. I stopped hating my father for what he had done and began cultivating strength and self awareness.
I am not scarred by personal “Daddy Issues.” Yes, I was born into a home with a father who chose to rely on his own upbringing and continue an abusive cycle. His issues didn’t end up defining me. They didn’t break me. They made me strong, caring, empathetic, and capable.
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Today, I’m not a victim. I am my own person who survived the beatings and verbal abuse. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t deserve it; no daughter deserves mistreatment. Every day, I wake up with the choice. I choose how to use to my energy, how I manifest it into a greater state and a productive awareness.
I am not scarred by personal “Daddy Issues.” Yes, I was born into a home with a father who chose to rely on his own upbringing and continue an abusive cycle. His issues didn’t end up defining me. They didn’t break me. They made me strong, caring, empathetic, and capable. Most of all, they showed me exactly what kind of parent I never want to be. I choose to break the abuse cycle.
Daughters grow up. If you hurt them enough, you lose the privilege to be called “Daddy.” You become a mud-covered man carrying your own ‘Grown-Man-Issues.’ Every person, man and woman, has the capability to decide how their energy resonates into this world.
Photo: Pezibear/Pixabay
i love this so much and your writing rachel. this is amazing and bittersweet. I feel this way about moms day. luv u girlfriend. .u r beautiful!
Laurie, thank you for the kind words and I hate to hear that about moms day, no matter how old we get, it is hard. I know you are a beautiful Momma and I hope you are celebrated for the wonderful person that you are. Much love and thank you so much <3
Rachel,
I am so proud of you for finding your way out of a horrible cycle of existence. This is a powerhouse piece that any woman in a similar relationship with her father could do well to read. It is full of heartbreak, and then hope, and we all need to have hope. Thank you for sharing your story.
Pattie, thank you for your kind words and support. I really strive to bring forth some hope. Especially when these types of issues are concerned. It needs to stop, no child should suffer unnecessary physical, psychological, or emotional trauma. Especially from the people who were supposed to love and protect them. Thank you for reading and I absolutely adore the phrase “powerhouse piece.” It makes me smile to read those words. Thank you. <3
I really needed to read this article on the eve before Father’s Day so thank you Rachel. The first time my Dad called me a bitch and the first time he cracked his hand across my face at 8 changed who I became in my latter years. As you so eloquently stated, he lost his right to be called Daddy. When my Mom was in surgery after being diagnosed with breast cancer, I asked him for the first time how he could hit his daughter while looking straight into her tears and he told me it was because I was… Read more »
Dawn, I’ve read your comment more times than anything else on this page. Over and over and over again, I read your story. I want you to know I heard every word… and upon first reading, I was angry. I remember what it felt like to be hit that young. And it does change the person you become, or could have been, or wanted to be. Reading your words about sleeping on the floor and the conviction you felt… they tore my heart in half. Writing these words brings tears to my eyes, because I cannot adequately express how much… Read more »
That was a very powerful post. Thank you for your bravery and honesty. I’m glad you were able to break the cycle and be a survivor.
Shann, thank you for reading and for every kind word. It is greatly appreciated. Abuse is often generational, and the best cure is to stop perpetuating and teaching it. Thank you again. <3
It’s quite the label isn’t it? Father (or mother). All you need to really do to technically be one is impregnate a woman. After that you can just sit back and be an abusive ass for your child’s lifetime… There is so much more to being a father. Love, nurturing, care, compassion! Really, the title should be able to be stripped from someone as you’ve rightly done! No real father calls their daughter a whore! If all you’re doing to earn and keep that title is the impregnation part, and maybe some practical/financial stuff, you’re really just scraping the bottom… Read more »
Ben, thank you for the support. I’ve never liked the handing out of things which isn’t earned. Your words struck such a chord with me, because that is mostly how I have felt. I didn’t understand when I was little but as I grew older, and especially after having my own child… I can never understand the determination to tear down one’s own child, or any child for that matter. “Love, nurturing, care, compassion” is everything I hope to instill in my own baby, because that is being a parent! I will try to kick ass in this writing world,… Read more »
I’m always left in awe when such beautiful words convey such heartbreaking things. You are a strong woman.
Kelly, thank you for the kind words. I don’t know if I will ever decide if my words are my blessing or my curse. If they do something good, I will go with blessing. Thank you so much for reading and supporting <3
This is awesome. I haven’t had such an awful time but I felt huge resonance here. I chose to let things be swept under the rug in full knowledge that he cannot and will not ever take responsibility. We now have a moderately good relationship based on my covering of his tracks *sigh* 🙁
Considerer, thank you for reading. I’ve seen many adult salvage relationships with their parents through similar situations. And I would be lying if I didn’t say I had some hope for that at some point. I am happy to read you now have a moderately good relationship, but I hate the resonance on any piece like this. Thank you for reading and sharing your own story, much love and many hugs. <3
Rachel, this was phenomenal. Your words struck a chord. You are an inspiration!
Donna, thank you for the kind words and for the support and love on this piece. They are not my favorite to write but I do hope they inspire some kind of change, or provide a bit of hope. Thank you again, much love. <3
Thank you. Thank you for being stronger than he was. I for one am glad to know you.
Dawn, thank you…and I am glad to know you. Thank you so much for the support and kindness, always. <3
Oh Rachel. This was so profound, so heartbreaking, so brave, and so strong. You are beautiful inside and out. You’re exactly right… Women shouldn’t have to bare the cross of their fathers grown man issues. Brava to you for sharing them off. This was just powerful and beautiful…just like you!
Rachael, thank you for every kind word. I only wanted to write this as empowerment piece for all women and men who have been scarred by their childhoods, and I do so hope to break a cycle. Not just for myself, but perhaps for anyone who can take that vantage point away from these words. I can’t thank you enough for every kind word you have written here. It is overwhelmed my heart with love. Thank you. <3
What an incredible post, Rachel. I am sorry that you had to live through this. I am glad to read that your past did not break you and that you love yourself enough to stop the cycle. xo
Thank you.. your comment reminded me of that old saying “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” And it does, it also teaches valuable lessons in how not to parent. Thank you so much for reading and for the kind words. <3
I too was first called a whore by dad, and his girlfriend. They actually said I should be put in an all girls school….all because I wore my hair in a way they disapproved of. I try and avoid Father’s Day as well, it feel annoying to see all the awesome dads, and happy people, I’m totally just jealous, but none the less – it sucks.
Yeah, mine called me a tramp when I was 16 for wearing a skirt that was above the knee. My brother learned from him and went on to call me ‘trash’ later when I was 21. No man I’ve been with since has ever called me anything like this…even when they did behave badly….just my so called ‘father’. He never deserved me for a daughter and although I empathise with him and his own childhood he will never get another chance to hurt me again….physically, emotionally or to violate my rights as a human being.
Philippa and Danie, I appreciate you sharing your own struggles and providing support on these words. Hearing others’ stories doesn’t justify the wrongs which were placed upon us but in some ways I feel united, and not so alone especially on a holiday like Father’s Day. I also tried sympathizing with my own father’s upbringing, but at some point the cycle should end. Both of you are amazing women, who are caring, and compassionate. Thank you so much for every word you shared here. I know it’s not easy to talk/write about those memories, but on a day where I… Read more »
The world is filled with so many different men who are allowed to hold the “father” card. There is no test to determine whether or not they are fit to hold the precious burden that is a child’s heart. It is by our own will that we grow and learn that their inability is not our burden to carry, though we carry it anyway. The true test is being able to shed the cloak of these issues and rid ourselves of them, without feeling the guilt, as if their inability to love us is our fault! Wonderful piece! Healing is… Read more »
Gretchen, your words are so accurate… you inspire me. Truly. It took a long time to ‘shed that guilt,’ and I don’t know if it ever fully goes away. The healing is something I struggle with since having a child, I still can’t wrap my head around a lot hurt and memories. My only hope is my child never experiences any situation similar to mine. I am slowly learning to embrace the hard days as the lessons you speak of, they made me who I am… and I’m starting to finally get comfortable in my own role as both mother… Read more »
What a brave post. Kudos to you for being courageous enough to share! You are a survivor and you will continue to inspire others.
Thank you for reading and supporting. I hope it does heal in some way for others who have experienced anything similar. Thank you again.