The Masterful Way My Man Shot Down Another Girl

She went too far

“I have to say something to Feta,” he said gravely, taking note of the way I cringed at hearing her name. He was referring to a girl with an unrelenting interest in my new boyfriend and an overt disrespect for our relationship.

That night, she had simply gone too far.

We had all met through dancing and, therefore, were part of a small community of people who frequented the same venues each week for social dancing.

That was the first problem. People in that community did their best to be polite and tolerant of others simply because we crossed paths with each other constantly, either at dances, in classes, or in competitions where we would be randomly paired to dance together.

Maybe she was simply desperate to secure a new dance partner or a new friend, but once I entered the picture, Feta became much more aggressive in trying to dominate Jakob’s time and attention.

Text messages with heart emojis asking about his dance plans. Insisting they dance “just one more” over and over. Trapping him in long, drawn-out conversations when he clearly wanted to dance or talk with someone else — namely, me.

At first, he was polite, not wanting to be rude to a new dance friend. But it quickly became clear that she was violating his boundaries of what he was comfortable with. She was acting like his girlfriend even though the entire world knew we were together.

She clearly regarded me as a shallow, random floozie who was inferior to what she could offer as a dancer and a life partner.

That night, she made several rude remarks about me and our relationship. This was the last straw for him.

And he did not hesitate to act on it.

Something I’m not

As we drove home that night, he unloaded the full story of what Feta was saying and doing that was making him so uncomfortable.

Me, the ever-eager problem solver, jumped in immediately and offered my help. I had plenty of ideas of how to block her and thwart her advances. I could step up my game to help my man out.

Even though I’m not a possessive or clingy girlfriend, I could act like one. I could dance more with Jakob instead of spending half the night with other men (I know that sounds weird but trust me, that’s common in our dance culture — we are there to social dance with everyone).

Perhaps I could innocently interrupt their conversations. I could return to his side after every dance. I could insist that he dance with me because “this is my favorite song”. I could swoop in anytime I saw them talking to show her that we are an unbreakable couple who operate as a unit.

Or he could use the excuse that I was not comfortable with him dancing with other girls. He could say that I’m upset by how much time they spend talking and dancing. Neither of which were true.

The truth is I want my man to have the freedom to enjoy his night as he desires — dancing with me, or with other girls, making new friends and catching up with old ones. I didn’t want to suffocate him. All of my ideas required me to do something I didn’t want to do.

I could become someone I’m not.

…

How he shot her down

Jakob patiently listened to me throw out a jumbled slew of ideas on how we could handle the situation. His drawn out silence told me that he was not on board with anything I was saying.

I finally gave up when I realized he wasn’t engaging.

Lesson learned. When a man doesn’t want to talk, give him space to work it out in his own mind and don’t take it personally. Took me forever to figure that out.

I recognized he needed to process it on his own for a bit. I changed the subject to a decision I had to make regarding my kitchen remodel, somewhat relieved to not have to say her ridiculous name again that night.

The next day, he invited me to lunch at my favorite bistro.

After he ordered for both of us (I love a man who orders for me after I tell him what I want — makes me feel like I am with a traditional gentleman), he took my hands and got very serious.

And here’s what he said.

I’ve realized the solution to the issue of my uncomfortableness with Feta. And the answer is not in having you help in putting her off.

It is something I need to deal with myself.

Asking you to help address this is extremely unfair to you. Feta making me feel uncomfortable is my problem, not yours. I need to deal with it.

I will be direct in letting her know that I am not interested in dancing with her or socializing with her beyond a polite hello.

I’ve chosen you not only as a dance partner, but also as my girlfriend. You are who I want to be with and I don’t want anyone to interfere with that.

Therefore, I need to handle this myself.

I have never before felt more secure, respected and honored with a man than I did with Jakob in that moment.

He would simply take care of and make it a non-issue for me. No action needed from me.

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

…

He owned it like a boss

I was deeply impressed because it meant Jakob fully owned his decision and was prepared to make that clear to Feta. He did not want to hide behind any excuses, and he wasn’t going to use me as the reason he couldn’t engage more with her.

This is a mark of a strong character in a man. One that I absolutely adore.

There is a huge difference between, “I don’t want to do that,” versus, “My girlfriend gets jealous when…”.

When a man uses the excuse of his woman not liking something, or feeling jealous or insecure, or wanting him to behave differently, the underlying message is, “I would TOTALLY do that, BUT it will make my girlfriend/wife mad, and I don’t want the drama.”

Every woman knows exactly what is really happening in this situation. She hears that the other woman is the only barrier and therefore, will find ways to continue to tempt the man into doing what she wants since it’s clear that he’s not only kept the back door open for her, but also told her how to get into the yard.

Meaning, we need to do this behind my girlfriend’s back… when she’s not around… I definitely want to do this with you and I totally would if I wasn’t tied to a girl suffocating my ability to do what I really want.

That’s what a women hears when a man uses another woman as an excuse for why he can’t do something.

A man with strong principles and ethics says, “I don’t want this… I’m not interested…. I’m not doing that… “I need you to stop… etc.”

And it’s clear that the decision he has made is not being influenced or controlled by anyone else. Regardless of the circumstances, this is what he had decided is right for him, and he is unwavering in that stance.

This is something we can all do a better job of in each area of our lives.

Some women are squirrelly, manipulative little weasels who will take advantage of any area of a man’s weakness.

The weakest barrier a women will ever encounter is a man who doesn’t hold strong standards and principles. She can blow through that barrier like a fireball and walk all over him.

Having flimsy standards and principles is like wearing a flashing billboard on your face saying, take advantage of me, violate my boundaries, disrespect me or my relationships, use me to get your needs met with zero consideration that I’m also a human being with feelings and needs.

A woman with good character will never take advantage of a man even if he is still working on defining those standards and principles for himself.

But I reckon that’s very few women out there.

…

He won Boyfriend of the Year

Two nights later, Jakob ran into Feta unexpectedly after finishing a private lesson at our favorite studio. Her face burst into delight when she realized he was alone, and immediately insisted they practice before he took off.

In that hallway, with her eyes beaming happily up at him, he delivered what he needed to say inside of all but 10 seconds.

Her face immediately fell as she realized there was no discussion to be had.

Perhaps it dawned on her that she had gone too far with the catty insults she had made the last time she saw him. She started making awkward excuses but Jakob was already turning his back to leave. He simply glanced back and said, “I think we’re done,” as he walked away.

Boundaries set. Boundaries enforced.

And that’s how Jakob won Boyfriend of the Year. ❤

…

This story has three parts — each with a key takeaway. Here’s Part 1 and 2.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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