The Matrix of Dating

 Here’s how men can become their own Neo in the treacherous else-world of the dating scene.

To awkward guys, dating is confusing and scary as hell. In some ways, you’d rather be single than jump into dating. I know what that’s like for myself all too well.

But there was something –or rather somethings– that began to change me. Call them convictions if you will. They guided and pushed me into territories that I never knew existed. Because of these convictions I can now see the Matrix of Dating!

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t understand everything in dating or relationships and I certainly don’t claim to know all there is to women. (Even Doc Brown said women are a great mystery of the universe.) But I comprehend the most basic and fundamental things as a single man. And here are the convictions that brought me here.

Never stop improving. Are you becoming excellent at what you do? Are you working out? Are you watching what you eat? Are you reading and writing? Are you meeting people whom you want to emulate? Are you keeping the promises you make, especially the ones to yourself? Manliness isn’t touting your strengths but admitting your weaknesses and working on them.

Action rules. You can think, ponder, reason, hypothesize, research and plan until hell freezes over, but action rules because action is king. The most important advice is also the simplest: Go.

Make no apologies on who you are. I’m known to freeze every so often and it’s dreadfully awkward. I once greeted a blind date with a very cheerful “Hi, Tommy!” instead of “Hi, I’m Tommy!” We were both confused at why I called her my name for a good five minutes.

When a stranger politely said “God bless you” after I sneezed, I replied, “You’re welcome.” I didn’t even realize what I had said until my friend pointed it out to me.

Even though I came to the US at age four from Korea, my tongue decides to become a fob once every three months. “It’s on Wirrr-shur.” What? “Ahem, I mean Wil-shire. WiLLLLL-shire. That’s what I said, didn’t I?”

Whatever. I make no apologies. I’m a little awkward, I always have been and I always will be. Deal with it.

Be a little stubborn. Nothing gets done if the following is generally true: you’re passive, you let others decide, you chill out, you don’t speak up, you don’t want confrontation, you keep it to yourself, or you fughedabodit. If you don’t exercise stubbornness every now and then, great opportunities might slip away from you a little more often than you like.

Avoid isolation at all costs. Being single is great but it has its trade-offs. Much like stagnant water going bad because it’s not flowing, you need to be in constant contact with people, be it family, friends both old and new, co-workers, classmates, neighbors, and so on. As a single man, it’s easy to fall in the trap of obsessively thinking and planning the next date, the next girl you’ll meet, the next time you’ll hit up bars and clubs, and so on. But you have to moderate that and instead reach out to your community as often as you can, even at times when you don’t feel like it.

Have a talent or a cause you’re passionate about. Because it’s sexy as hell.

Be the greatest man you never imagined you can be. Maybe this is overkill, but it sure sounds better than “Be a man!” –Damn you, Russell Peters!– or even “Be an awesome man! Be an alpha male!” So I’ll take it further, gladly. Everything about approaching and dating women as a single man points to the conviction of becoming something beyond your current state, even beyond what you think you can achieve as a man.

This isn’t about some lame pick-up line or a cheesy dating tip. Those are a mile wide but an inch deep. This is when you dig really deep into yourself, into the darkest part of your soul that’s full of cobwebs and nightmares, and declare that you, still, are a man and you, still, are great. You begin a journey of tremendous personal change where you fear nothing.

So, approaching a girl randomly, like at a cafe or a market? And getting rejected by her?

Please, bro. You won’t fear death.

Originally appeared at justcallher.com

Photo Cayusa Flickr