The Most Common Lie Men Tell Us

He looked fine

I remember him walking into the party because he looked sharper than usual. It was the first time I saw him wearing a suit jacket. As he came toward me for a hug, I noted he wore a stylish pocket square and cufflinks.

Wow. Someone was here to impress.

He would be soon lost in a sea of people wanting to greet him.

And off he went, smiling, shaking hands, and hugging bright-eyed girls hello.

Everyone loved him and held him in high regard.

I remember stepping back and watching him with curiosity. He very much surprised me that night. He was the best-dressed man in the room. He looked like he had it all together.

I was the only person who knew that inside, his world had just fallen apart.

…

Maybe he’s fine after all

Life is funny. When you expect someone to be devastated after a breakup, sometimes they aren’t as upset as you’d think. Someone loses their job and maybe they are secretly relieved. Sometimes endings are blessings that bring people back to life again.

Or maybe people just handle things better than we think they will.

I wondered that as I watched him float around the party, politely declining cocktails and debating over whether to join the men outside for a cigar.

But I couldn’t get him alone long enough to see how he was really doing.

Maybe he was stronger than I thought.

Maybe he really was fine.

…

So, he’s definitely not “fine”

I finally caught him in the hallway when he was getting his coat to leave. He was making a sudden departure and I knew why.

The woman who had just broken off their engagement had shown up with a new man by her side, his arm wrapped snugly around her as if he’d just captured a new toy.

“I can’t do this,” he said as he strove toward the door, his eyes laser-focused on the exit and nothing else.

After one quick pause to hug the host goodbye with a bright, “Great party, man,” and an explanation that he had an early morning workout session with his trainer, he was off.

I followed him outside. When we got to his car, I hugged him and could feel his heart pounding.

I knew he wanted to tell me that he was okay. But he couldn’t lie to me now — and I wouldn’t have let him.

Inside, his body was shaking, tears were swelling up and his heart was cracking into pieces.

But on the outside, only minor clues gave away that maybe something was off.

He was a professional athlete. He knew how to keep his game face on. On the field, he never let his opponents know that he was injured or in pain. Letting others see that could cost him the game.

And so in life, and in sports, he would always be “fine”.

…

Most men you know aren’t “fine”.

I’d say very few men are killing it and enjoying every minute of life.

Most single men are frustrated and lonely (some married men too, unfortunately).

Some are dealing with heartbreak, betrayal, loss, longing, or regret. A lot of men are in jobs they hate, where they feel stuck, powerless, or unfulfilled.

They may despise reporting to someone they don’t respect and feel that they have to “play the game” just to survive so they can support themselves and their family.

A lot of men struggle to find and build solid friendships with other men where they have someone they can really talk to. Many men do not have a solid support system when they are struggling, need advice or help through a difficult time, or in reaching their goals.

Most men are not living in million-dollar homes with professionally decorated interiors and landscaped yards. They aren’t driving Porsches on the weekends and have a nice truck for their everyday travel. They aren’t wearing Patek Philippe watches and John Varvatos jeans. They don’t have six-figure salaries, six-pack abs, and 6 million in retirement savings.

Not all men have become the men they had aspired to become.

Almost every man I know is facing some battle — that no one knows about — that brings him great pain. And some of these men look like they are doing quite well in life, even though they face their own private misery when they lie in bed at night.

But, they will always put on the face that says, I’m good. Everything is okay. I am doing great. Life is good.

No matter how bad it really is.

…

Ask the bigger questions

Maybe it’s time that we move away from surface-level questions like “How are you?” and start checking in with people on a deeper level.

If I know someone is going through a divorce or just had a bad breakup, I will ask how they are holding up. When my neighbor’s elderly wife passed away, I went over to give him a hug and sit with him to talk several times a week.

A lot of people aren’t getting their basic needs met, so a good hug, a few kind words, and showing concern for them can mean more than we can ever imagine.

So. Pay attention to people, and check in with them especially when they seem a little off. They may not always want to tell you what’s going on. And that’s okay. When you demonstrate sincere concern for someone, they may begin to open up a bit more.

Sometimes I’ll ask if they need an extra hug that day. People almost always say yes, and that hug always feels much more tender and emotional than the first.

If you sense someone is going through a hard time, give them a little extra love and attention to show that you care and are there to support them.

I recognize that a man may not always want to confide in a woman about the areas in which he feels vulnerable, but I want to encourage men to start to really support one another in this area. No one can understand the struggles of a man better than another man.

So. Before you leave, take a moment to think about the men in your life.

Someone you know is hurting far more than you can imagine right now. A small act of kindness could make a huge difference for them.

A phone call to say hi. An invite to join them for an event or a gathering. An offer to help in some way (say, with their resume if they just lost their job). Invite them out for a drink and have a real conversation with them about how they are doing.

Small acts can have huge impacts.

And people never forget those. ❤

🙋🏻‍♀️ I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments — chime in!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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