Sometimes we find ourselves head over heels in love. Yet, it feels one-sided. Why is this?
When we date, we naturally attach to the other person and we connect more and more. This is a wonderful feeling. Suddenly, songs on the radio make sense. The birds seem to sing just for us, blah blah. You know what I am talking about.
This phase is met with terror for someone with an avoidant or disorganized attachment style.
Getting close to someone equals risking getting our hearts hurt. It is a risk that we learned to calculate beforehand, but this is exhausting. We end up not trying at all.
But that is not the only fear. Deep down, we believe we have to give ourselves up for someone else. This is another terror we face the closer we get to our partners.
Playing dead is a way of defending ourselves. If we play dead, maybe we won’t get engulfed. What we risk most of all is relying on someone and the possibility of them abandoning us. So not attaching at all feels like the safest option.
These processes are so instinctive that we don’t sit and plan them out. It just happens. It happens until we notice it. From there, we have the power to try again. Do something different.
I keep writing about shame since, for many of us with these fears, shame is the key ingredient. We learned early on that we will never get accepted for who we are. Later, we tire of pleasing.
It becomes easier to avoid the whole situation. Not because of the person, but because of the inner pressure and anxiety to get it right, and the excruciating confusion about why it’s so damn hard.
So, if you date someone avoidant that turns hot and cold, what to do?
Well, walking away is always something we can do. But what if we want to try?
Then we have been the ones that take charge of the situation. We have to communicate with the person about how we feel and encourage them to open up by asking questions, but also let them know there is no pressure to open up too fast. Patience is key.
After that, it is up to them to TRY. We can only push it so far. The rest is up to us, just like any issues we have in life.
But we have to be very honest with ourselves here. Do we have patience for this? Do we want to be the ones taking charge every time we need to have an emotional conversation?
Remember that someone avoidant in their attachment will have to want to change more than anything.
And even if that person does, it will take time. If it is not something we can “wait” for, let’s not lie to ourselves that we can. That is only going to breed resentment.
We also risk getting addicted to hot and cold behaviour. This turns not just only on us, but in the end, enables hurtful behaviour.
We all handle things differently. We all need love, affection and care. Some of us just don’t yet know how to handle it properly.
We all struggle with unique patterns and issues in life. It was not our fault it turned out this way, but it is our responsibility to cater to it now that we are adults.
We can all be patient and understanding towards each other, but if we dismiss each other’s dysfunctions too much, why would anyone have a reason to change anything?
Are we then in a partnership or a caretaker-caregiver relationship?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
