I’ve become more lenient as I parent Munchkin Pie (MP) through the teenage years than I ever was in elementary and even in junior high where I was a firm parent and the odd parent out on so many levels.
Young, widowed, and female with a child who thrived on doing well and succeeded at always coming in first let’s just say I was not the “in” parent or accepted by the competitive, judgmental “in” mom crowd.
And my firm parenting wasn’t a hit either.
I did not value or invite tantrums into our world by paying them heed or “understanding” my child’s need for expressing emotion in that way. My glance would say “isn’t there a better way” instead of “your way is always the right way and I understand the tantrum”. Then I would take MP by the hand and find a spot for a private moment where we could share our feelings about the situation at hand.
“Firm parent”, I cringe at those words not because they aren’t true but because just the words firm parenting get judged harshly and are misunderstood and assumptions get made… “wow, if she is so firm here how is she as home?” Just the same. At home I was just the same.
Firm parenting is not harsh parenting
Firm parenting gets a bad wrap because it is mostly associated with harsh parenting. Lots of yelling and or punishment, not enough listening or communication when in reality this could not be farther from the truth. With well defined rules, boundaries, and expectations there is much more understanding of what is expected but also through conversation there is much more understood of what the child can and can’t handle and working from their place of ability.
Firm parenting takes a great deal of energy
Firm parenting isn’t labor intensive in the sense that you are always on top of your child or what is known as helicopter parenting but rather the energy comes in the planning.
One way to think of parenting is as a job. A self- employed job, and successful parents do see it as such with goals and expectations of what that job will entail and what we wish to achieve of accomplish just as in any self-employed job or company we have to actually sit down and figure out the long term desired goals and work backwards. We can’t just wing it and hope for the best. We’ve actually never done it that we it is just that now our world has become more complex our long term plans must become more complex as well.
Millions of years ago we just needed to understand how to teach our kids the basics of survival; how to hunt, make simple clothing, shelter, and protection. And as society developed if we were farmers we would teach them the trade and hope they would take over the land, that they would be able to thrive and perhaps even grow the farm. If we were doctors or scholars we would show them the path towards educating themselves in such fields seeing there potential in helping and teaching others. Sometimes they chose our path sometimes another but the path was still more linear than our current society and even if not fully detailed we had a clear desire for who our children would become.
Today that planning has taken on a whole other level as our quickly evolving and changing society makes us constantly reassess how that will look. We think about what we want our kids to learn socially, emotionally, and academically and our job is to sit down and figure out a loose although evolving map of how to get them there.
Setting suggestions, guidelines, and allowing them to overcome the obstacles while cheering them on.
Standing back and watching them struggle or getting involved and carrying them through.
That type of planning takes a great deal of energy and time.
Firm parenting is not helicopter parenting
Firm parents are not always on top of their kids for how they do things and what they do. The goal is to have very defined boundaries and to expect children to understand how those boundaries work without hovering over them or watching them to see if they have crossed the lines of those boundaries.
Rather the goal is to know that if those boundaries are defined you can ask your child how their day, time, playdate was and see how they dealt with issues. If those boundaries are defined you can have expectations that if there are rules for television, or sweets, or homework, or whatever your child understands those boundaries and if those boundaries are overstepped sometimes it just takes a gentle nudge, a discussion, or maybe some sort of disciplinary action. Usually though talking to a child and being “disappointed” in a choice (not in them but in a choice) in more than enough of a penalty.
Firm parenting allows for respect
Firm parenting isn’t about saying my way or no way or about putting down the law.
It’s about showing them that you respect yourself enough to have boundaries and through this teaching your child that they should be respectful of boundaries but also that they should respect themselves enough to have boundaries too and to share those boundaries kindly, gently, and lovingly with others.
Firm parenting believes in acceptance
Firm parenting isn’t about judgement or looking down on your child because you disagree with the way they are acting in a specific moment. It is about saying, yes, I do see you and I understand that you are not happy, upset, or whichever emotion they are sharing but then asking them to share that emotion in a kinder gentler way without ostracizing or rejecting their feelings. Instead of saying yes have your tantrum it is about getting down to their level saying, I see your tantrum but lets find a better way for you to express those feelings and emotions with real and sympathetic communication.
Firm parenting shows a great deal of love and sympathy
Firm parenting has a great deal of love and sympathy attached to it. It is based in true communication, understanding and acceptance. It comes form a place of I see you and I love you but I am also here to guide you so that you may find your place in this world happily and without confusion understand how the world works.
Firm parenting isn’t the only, or maybe even, the best way for parents to help their children thrive but it can be a great way, and it gets a bad wrap.
And as MP goes through high school I still find myself adjusting back to it whenever things get too tumultuous and I need a parenting reset.
Why have I scaled back from always using it you ask?
Because it really is draining. It is the job part of parenting and as MP gets older the line between parenting and supporting the decisions made outside of my values and choices becomes more blurred. Because at this age I am sometimes parent, sometimes support, and sometimes guide. At this age I am slowly letting go of that job title a little at a time so that when college comes she can spread her own wings and soar.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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