I was so confused. The man I was involved with, who had been so into me, so excited to connect, so quick to want me to move in, so motivated to spend time together–it was as if he had disappeared. He went from making me breakfast every morning and lingering over coffee to ask about my dreams, to making his own dinner each evening and disappearing into his office right after, claiming he “had no more bandwidth.” I spent almost every evening watching Netflix alone.
It was baffling. How had our life together become so uninteresting to him? Why did it seem like spending time together had turned into a chore he did his best to avoid? Yes, he was rude, antagonistic and controlling as well, but to be honest, what hurt the most was that I felt, well, neglected.
Like many survivors of relational trauma, it wasn’t until I was out of the relationship that I began to understand. As my brain settled and my nervous system recovered, the pieces of the puzzle started to come together.
I remember one evening when I was thinking about how bad this neglect had felt that I realized he was always up for four things in terms of spending time together. One, drinking. I’m not a big drinker but I could always get him to hang out in the living room after dinner if I proposed a cocktail. Two, eating out at a nice restaurant. This was always from our joint account or if I paid. (I think he took me to dinner once, on our first date.) Three, shopping, but only for him. He had no patience for my own purchases, but would spend hours looking for a perfect ring for himself at an art market. And four–well, maybe you can guess that one.
What do these four things have in common? They all tend to be ways we can get a release of dopamine. Dopamine is a complex neurotransmitter, but to oversimplify, we can think of it as related to things that tend to be addictive and/or that are novel. Alcohol, food, sex, dressing up, spending money, gambling, etc. — all are potential dopamine sources. A solid, stable, long-term relationship? Well, not so much, at least not after the early stages.
The research on narcissism so far points to a disrupted relationship with dopamine. While we all tend to like that new jacket or get jazzed by our upcoming vacation, they seem to need larger and more frequent doses than the rest of us. And anything that becomes predictable? Well, it stops giving them the boost they need.
After a very short time involved with this man, I was no longer new, novel, or interesting. I was no longer a source of dopamine. And this is something I hope you take from this blog–this is most often the reason they cheat, gamble, drink, flirt, etc. It’s not you. You simply stop being an effective dopamine delivery system and they have to figure out other ways to get it.
By the way, this is also often the reason they pick fights. Getting someone riled up, winning through dominance or intimidation, proving they are the smartest or most justified, all this can also be a way to get the dopamine they crave.
So if you, like me, felt or feel like a neglected plant in your relationship, please know this is, unfortunately, typical when you are dealing with someone who has a higher than normal need for stimulation. And not only is it incredible painful, it is another reason they are so unlikely to change.
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Previously Published HERE and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
