No one ever really tells you how much letting go hurts. How long or short the healing process can be. Or how the hours of the moon are often the most difficult ones to endure after a breakup.
We grow up believing that a romantic relationship is the end goal. That a romantic partner is going to save us. That everything we do makes us better for another being. Makes us a better fit for someone else.
So much so, that when the relationship ends we find ourselves questioning our existence and worth. Believing that life as we know it is over. That for whatever reason life can’t go on without them. It goes on.
Maybe you spend countless amount of hours swiping through dating apps just to find love again, just to occupy your time and keep you busy. Going on dates that you know you aren’t actually enjoying. Creating a perpetual cycle of co-dependency. Because for whatever reason we just can’t seem to live without all the noise. For whatever reason being alone is just too hard and the silence is just too loud to bear.
We need to stop fantasizing about romantic relationships as an end all, be all “goal”. Because that’s just going to set you up for failure. Romantic relationships aren’t here to save you, to distract you from your thoughts. Or to occupy your time because you are too uncomfortable to be alone in your own space.
Instead, get comfortable with the uncomfortable feelings you experience when you are alone. Learn how to enjoy the silence that comes when you are in your own presence. And when those not so nice feelings come up, make new habits that depend solely on yourself and not another body.
Stop using others as momentary distractions, as a fast escape. Because this creates attachment, and attachment causes insecurities, fear, and ache. Instead, seek connections.
More specifically connect with yourself.
Understand that it is part of the human experience to feel alone, scared, uncertainty at times. It’s all momentary.
A relationship ending doesn’t determine your worth. So stop acting like it. Stop believing that everything you do is for your future mate. Do stuff for yourself, not in hopes of finding the “one.” But because you are whole with or without someone else. Because you deserve to be the best version of yourself for you, not for someone else.
When we get comfortable with ourselves and elevate ourselves for us we are less likely to view a break up as the end of life as we know it, rather a moment shared and experienced with another person, in which for a moment in time everything lined up and you two shared something beautiful that is rare, that will never quite be the same with anyone else.
Please whatever you do, stop living your days out of attachment. Start thinking of every relationship as a chance to connect. Accept that everything at some point ends and that is okay. Because, you are complete by yourself, in a relationship and out of it.
Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: on iStock