When you walk down the street, do you see them looking at you? Wanting you? Needing you?
When you talk, do they hang onto your every word?
Do they often touch your arm and can’t keep their eyes off you?
Is there a sparkle in their eye? Are they constantly looking at your lips? Do they seem to swallow the words ‘take me’?
No?… Let’s change it then, shall we?
We all know these people — they are magnetic. They go out, and there’s a crowd around them. Or people are yearning for their company, for their touch. They attract everyone they want without the smallest effort on their part.
They just exist, and you want to be in their light, breathing them in, while at the same time hoping one day someone will feel the same way about you.
You want them, and you want to be them.
Simultaneously. Regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
How on earth do they do it? Are they magic?
Nah, they’re just people who learned through trial and error what works and what doesn’t. They did the hard work, so you don’t have to.
Do they know some well-kept secrets that nobody else knows?
Yes! And starting today, so will you.
The secrets:
Imagine a future where you are like them. Put yourself in their shoes, visualize your raw magnetism and watch yourself do the following things:
1. You have your own life, dreams, passions, interests
Whatever you do, whoever you are, own it.
Sure, you’re not Elon Musk. You don’t spend your time launching rocket ships to Mars. But your life is just as good to you because it’s yours.
What is it that you do? Software developer? When you see code, you feel your heart beat faster. What’s your hobby? Playing with rubber ducks on the frozen lake? I can already see the smile in your eyes when Betty slides faster than Daisy!
You’re involved in your own life. You’re alive and present for those ducks!
You don’t spend every moment crying over some impossible conquest. You go out and have fun with your friends. You read books in the park. You ask someone out and get rejected and go read another chapter that makes you laugh out loud.
You’re not hung up on someone. You like them, but don’t waste your life sending them a million compliments, writing poems about how amazing they are, and sliding letters under their door.
Respect their wish. Some people don’t like you and that’s fine. Others will.
Why would you want the ones who don’t anyway?
Get good at your own life. Love yourself before you love anybody else.
And stop sending drunk texts.
2. You’re self-sufficient, but not avoidant
Being self-sufficient is just one step away from detachment. When you achieve a healthy degree of it, people will be running towards you like pigs towards the feeding trough.
Because they are generally needy, and everybody wants to be around someone who is not. They’re hoping self-assurance and confidence rub off on them.
When you are ok with being yourself, when you’re at ease with your choices and your day-to-day life, you emit a beacon that everyone will be attracted to.
Truth is, you don’t need one particular person. If it feels like you do, you’re doing it wrong.
However, you do need relationships in your life. You are a social animal whether you like it or not. If you reached the stage where you feel like you don’t need anyone around, that’s a level of avoidance that puts people off. That’s not where you want to be.
Keep a healthy balance, and be part of society.
People are attracted to other people, not to monks or aliens.
Keep it sane, and they shall follow.
3. You regulate your own emotions
People use others to regulate their own emotions.
This is ok if you’re in a long-term relationship and you do that for each other. But usually we have so little self-control that we are desperate for a partner to make us feel warm and cozy.
Desperation leads you nowhere. Oh, wait, yes, it does. It leads you to more desperation because nobody wants that kind of energy around them.
Learn to relax, go to therapy, and find out what’s missing from your life. Is it a chemical imbalance? Is it trauma that needs addressing? An experienced therapist is key to your success.
Are you angry? Go do some contact sports. Break some plates. Do angry painting.
Don’t desperately look for someone to let it all out on. People can feel desperation a mile away! Stop and reassess.
You need to solve the issue so you don’t end up giving your baggage to someone else to carry. Nobody wants that.
When you put your inner life in order, everything else is easy.
Some people fake it till they make it, and that’s ok. As long as you are also looking for ways to make it real in the long run and only fake it for the short run.
Get happy, get magnetic, and get busy with your life.
I promise it will be worth it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash