Many dating gurus have earned their way to the top by handing out catchy slogans to get a guy, tips on looking and acting your best on a first date, tricks to visualize your way into a dreamy relationship.
A long time ago, I have also bought into those myths.
It appeared very alluring and genuine when coming from a charismatic guy staring piercingly into the eyes of your relationship-desiring soul.
With time, I have learnt to see beyond the facade. It reeked of fakeness and desperation.
After years of following love advice to attract a man, planning first dates, manifesting the meet-cute at the grocery store, I have coined the greatest advice of all:
Ditch desperate attempts to analyse or make up your way into the relationship.
Forget all the advice from people who do not know your core values, people who do not take into consideration your individual approach to love, only because they assume what might be socially appropriate.
Stop buying into:
- How to find the one.
- How to get over your ex.
- Get him addicted to you with these 3 texts.
- This keeps you single! (Exclamation mark pointing out that being single is a horrifying societal atrocity, a disability.
- Should we feel less just because we are single?)
- Go out! Put yourself out there! Do not take yoga classes, that is not the place to meet a man. (WTF? What if I enjoy taking the classes? What if this form of pastime makes me feel good, look good, and shifts my mindset?)
Are we supposed to sacrifice and diminish our authentic nature for the sake of finding the perfect match? However, it will not be perfect, as you become the avatar of fake interests and robotic behaviour replicated from videos on dating advice.
Does every mean need to lead to the destination? Can’t it be all about the journey? The path of discovering yourself through various relationships, not only romantic ones, is a madly thrilling adventure.
Just because a woman was taught to crave the Prince Charming, it does not necessarily mean she deeply desires to.
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We are the reflection of the world around us.
Whenever we desperately chase the next relationship to fill in the void of loneliness, not-enoughness, we attract equally anxious individuals.
You attract and manifest whatever corresponds to your inner state.
― Eckhart Tolle
Whenever we sacrifice our growth and passion for the prize of becoming likeable, just because somebody else shares different interests, we bargain our captivating charm for becoming a poor replica of somebody else’s personality.
There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.
― Steve Maraboli
Yes. People are our greatest teachers. Yes. We should make mistakes and discover ourselves anew. Yes. We should enter awkward relationships, which fail to meet society’s expectations. Yes. We should learn from them and develop into newer and more authentic versions of ourselves. There is no such thing as a ‘picture-perfect, commonly appropriate relationship’.
When you raise your awareness about your heart’s desires, you commit to knowing yourself. Once you are able to discover what makes you feel satisfied and fulfilled in a partnership by becoming comfortable with yourself first, you also get one step closer to spotting out potential qualities in people all around you.
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Why do relationships fail?
Well, maybe because we lack awareness? Maybe we lose interest, not in the partner, but in life and ourselves in general? Perhaps, we become so dissatisfied with the quality of our choices that we jump to blame it on the closest and most intimate partnerships?
No wonder. With so many apps fighting for our attention every second of our day, it becomes extremely difficult to effectively manage our energy and focus on simple human interactions, not to mention slowing down and taking a closer look at our fundamental needs.
I have a feeling that nowadays, a deep and healthy relationship became a luxury when in fact, it should be a necessity, just like breathing, meditation, mindfulness, minimalism, and closeness to nature.
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Become your own influencer instead of being influenced by self-proclaimed gurus.
I am grateful that many people who struggle with shyness, asking a person out can get that boost of confidence by watching an inspirational video and benefit from it. However, one should not fall prey to the constant reliance on scientific dating advice.
Seeking constant assurance from a dating coach, or any other teacher in a specific field, leads to the disability of making choices, taking ownership for one’s action. It all boils down to listening to your intuition and desires:
Why do you want love?
- How does that person make you feel?
- What feelings does the idea of love evoke?
- It is great to be inspired. It is a failing to become dependent upon somebody else, whether it be your partner as the sole source of your happiness or a dating guru to plan out your every romantic move.
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The bottom line remains:
Until we learn how to live with ourselves, feel comfortable on your own, cherish each partnership, there is little a tricky and alluring text message can provide to establish a genuine connection with another human being. True partnerships go much deeper than that. The best advice comes from following your heart and acknowledging that each individual is on the unique journey of finding themselves.
Of course. Ideally, the path is best travelled with companionship, space, and compassion to unravel each step one pace at a time.
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Thank you for reading!
I write to empower and inspire with self-love. Your biggest strength lies in your authenticity, so embrace the whole package. Wear your unique attitude proudly.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Fabian Blank on Unsplash