The Only Playbook You’ll Ever Need to Get Your Avoidant’s Love

How to Crack the Avoidant Curse

After years of practice, of disappointments, of dragging my heart through mud and patching it up after many falls, I believe have finally found how to crack the Avoidant Curse.

So of course, the first thing I wanted to do was to share it with You, my amazing readers, just in case you were looking for the secret Playbook.

To simplify things, I want you to imagine this solution like a quest in a videogame, hence my original IP: The Videogame Strategy.

Typically, it works like this:

PHASE 1: THE WOW EFFECT— You begin your quest at level 0. You don’t exist in the Avoidant’s life, until one day you meet them and they think you are the most incredible person on this planet. You are unlike anyone else they have ever met. You are smarter, hotter, more kind, overall a better human. Wow. They cannot believe it. They have finally met their match, You are different, superior to all, even to them.
PHASE 2: LEVEL 9 — Because you are so incredibly outstanding you cannot even be compared to any other human, you are immediately transported to Level 9. You skip all other levels. The avoidant knows that in fact there is absolutely no one in the world that could even come close to you. In this level you are loved, courted, respected, admired, you are…the future spouse. In this fantastic level you will witness love from your Avoidant like you never have and never will again. Enjoy it while it lasts. You’re looking at the treasure that will motivate years of a hunt and that you will likely never have the pleasure to see again.
PHASE 3: LEVEL 0 — Let’s face it, you’re human. Your avoidant likely wasn’t fully aware that you were not from Mount Olympus but by week 2–8 you will surely have expressed some kind of discontent with something they have said or done. Maybe, even worse, you may have asked for something forbidden: planning. Time. More presence. Whatever your sin may have been, you have now fallen into the same category as his primary school teacher who mentioned that this is not how you tie your shoelaces. You have criticized them (in their mind) or expressed that, in fact, you also have needs. Welcome to Level 0, my friend. It’s truly worth getting to know this level because you’ll be hanging out here for a very long time and even when you begin climbing again, you are likely to be sent here on whim at the smallest of faults. Better buy a nice mattress.
PHASE 4: LEVEL 0.1 — LEVEL 3 — To this day, two years into it, I don’t think I have ever even reached Level 3. Here’s the thing, each level is made up of multiple extremely complicated quests to grow. You have level 0, then Level 0.01, just when you think you’re reaching Level 1 you realize there is a waiting time just to make sure you don’t mess up the previous 92 quests and have to start over. Personally, I have been climbing and falling so many times that I have learned exactly how to hold on to dear life and not fall back down: shut up. Whatever it is that you’re experiencing or feeling, don’t say it. Don’t say it to yourself, don’t say it to your friends and especially DO NOT SAY IT TO THEM. If you say it to them you’re back to 0. If you say it to yourself you will certainly feel like a complete idiot for competing in this game in the first place and if you tell your friends it’s official: you’re an idiot and they’re a jerk.
PHASE 5: Honestly, I’m not sure you ever get past level 3. Certainly I know you’ll never see 9 again but that you’ll keep hoping for that glimmer of happiness and love to return.

**THE SUPERSONIC SLIDE: This is a trick only the very best know. It takes refinement because there is a fine line between them feeling you are a bit distant and feeling like you have abandoned them or that you are incapable of being their perfect partner. It’s a risky move because you can mess it up in a heartbeat but the benefits could be huge. The Supersonic Slide works a little bit like when SuperMario catches the magic mushrooms and his car gets bigger and faster: it can catapult you several levels or sub-levels up. If you are able to distance yourself from them just a tiny bit, (it can’t look like you’ve done it on purpose you just have to be actually busy), you could just slide on it. You still reply with a heart or word of love to their messages however you’re not actively reaching out to them as much. When they vocally say they miss you or take notice of your behavior, you immediately give them a tiny bit of real reassurance then you go back to being in the ‘missed’ position. In their eyes, you are not a rarity, they cannot take you for granted and also you are doing nothing to try to change them or to make them lose their identity which is what they are so scared with in the first place. At the same time, they are not losing you. If you manage to master the balance, you can truly skyrocket even a full level up.
Though I never made it anywhere near Level 9 again, by falling repeatedly and keeping score on this blog, I began writing the secret Playbook, aka all of the rules you need to abide by to make it to the next level of commitment and pure love.

That loves is at Level 10 and so far I don’t think the programmers have inserted it into our Avoidants because they never thought anyone would ever even be able to reach 9. Go figure.

If you want to win it’s very simple, the key is consistency.

You cannot break ANY RULES. Any rule break will cost you a life and with no exception, you will go back to level 0, the front door.

The secret Playbook uncovered.

The rules of the game:

It’s not about you
Do not criticize
Do not share negative emotions about them
Do not share your unhappiness
Do not make them feel uncomfortable
Do not talk about level 9
Do not talk about the future
Do not talk about the past
Always express how amazing the present is
Anything they do, even if tiny, is amazing. Express that but don’t go overboard, extreme reactions scare them.
Don’t mention you’re unhappy if they’re still talking to their ex
Don’t try to become a priority
Don’t actively try to go higher in their rankings by doing things that are too nice
Don’t be too nice
Don’t be too predictable, it will bore them
Don’t be unpredictable, it will scare them
Don’t ask to meet anyone they love or related to them
Don’t ever have any expectations
Don’t make anything about yourself. Remember, it’s all and only about them.
Anything you’re feeling that’s negative, they have it worse. Don’t try to overshadow their struggle, no trauma is bigger than theirs.
Don’t complain!!! You’ll fall right back down to 0
If you’ve just taken a hard hit on a fall from a high level 2, don’t try reminding them that you were at Level 2.876 thus if they can at least push you back to 1, it will only keep you at 0 for longer and you risk permanent elimination.
Do not tell them they are avoidant
Do not put them in any ‘category’ of attachment
Do not tell them to go see a therapist
Before them, there was no one in your life
Be at your best
Do not have problems
Welcome their vulnerable moments but do not by any means make it about you or share anything back. They just want to know that they have been heard and understood.
Do not ask to see them, they must ask you
They make any new rules, you have no say but you have to abide by them of you’re back at 0
Do not break any rules, at any point in time, or you’ll be back at 0

Do this, and guaranteed you’ll see results. Remember to be consistent, that’s the key.

About my avoidant…

My friends, I know, what can I say.

I managed to play it cool and keep all emotions to my chest for a few weeks, actively communicating even to my closest friends that ‘who knows’ and ‘let’s see’ where this newly rekindled relationship could lead us.

Today I saw him on a video call and I felt this strange feelings in my body, like this weird sensation I have never quite felt like this before. Tears were beginning to swell in my eyes, a pressure in my chest with deep rooted feeling of longing. I missed him. I physically missed him. And this was mixed together with a feeling of happiness and a feeling of fear and a feeling of something else. What the heck?

I can feel where this is going. Love. Crap. Seriously???

NOT AGAIN!!! What is wrong with me?

I quickly pulled out my notebook to jot down all the things I would prefer doing to falling in love again:

Gain 3kg
Find a spider in the living room
Get stuck in another lockdown
Get bangs
Get stuck in traffic
Accidentally wash a cashmere sweater with whitener and 60 degrees
Bungee jumping
I think I have a few more…

I tried not writing here at all waiting for something negative to happen.

Will he go into his avoidant cycle again?

Will I feel triggered and become anxious and scared messing it all up?

The truth is that somehow, by both working on ourselves and by communicating better, with more honesty, more openly (this on my part because he’s always been extremely direct), it almost seemed as though I have cracked the curse.

I made it to the next level: the one where he loves me and actively wants to be with me.

He is planning to see me which is a first, he actively wants to see me every three weeks which is also some newly found record.

Overall my business started flowing again and my migraines have begun to subside. I do not want to say it too loud but I am starting to have a glimmer of hope that this could actually work.

Is this what happens when an anxious avoidant and a codependent ‘cozza’ as we say in Italian — otherwise known as a ‘clam’ try to fall in love and stay in it?

The secret to making it work

My friends, if you were looking for a happy ending and true love, this is not it.

The truth is that the only way I found to make it work when dating an avoidant is to be so busy that you don’t have to actively fake not caring for their ups and downs and sudden moments of distance.

The only thing that has saved me so far is an enormous amount of work.

I have worked to hard and such long hours that I failed to panic when he wasn’t writing, I failed to write him when I normally would check in, I stopped trying to make him the person I go to with a problem, with a funny story, with silly day-to-day moments I would typically share with my significant other.

At times I still share them, but mainly as an act because I know he will feel included and like I care. In truth, I have already shared them with my best friends and family, the people who truly care, those who I can over communicate to or disappear for a week with when I’m in overwhelm and will love me just as much, just unconditionally.

With work overwhelm, I got to a level 3.1 just by making myself so consumed by other things and supported by other people that I made it though the endless number of rules you need to abide by not to be pushed back to 0.

He’s not a bad person

I genuinely think he’s a great guy, and as I write this he’s about to come to town.

He only told me he was coming after I checked if it was still happening.

He booked his flights without so much as asking if it worked for me.

He has a business meeting in the same days so his plan is independent from coming to see me and had I not asked he wouldn’t even have thought of coming in on the Sunday so he could spend one free day with me before diving into 3 days straight of meetings and another flight out.

I knew I should have shut up, I knew the rules, but I just couldn’t so in lack of a better option, I made a joke.

I joked about the fact that he could have come for the weekend but didn’t. I really tried to make it super light en passant but he caught it right then and there.

At first he asked me if I was on my period, which any man knows, is the worst thing you can ask a woman who is in fact to be on it.

I told him it wasn’t my period but me speaking and that it was incredibly rude to say that to me.

He became angry. He was distant all day and ready to shove me down to Level 0. A day before arriving he disappeared and became icy cold.

We are pretending like I didn’t fall all because I had to end up apologizing to him, he has, as always, no clue he hurt me in the process and in not prioritizing me.

I apologized so that we can pretend when he’s here but we both know that this is not the case. When he leaves, I’ll most likely be back at 0.

Is it really worth it to play this game at all?

Honestly, I don’t know. Right now, foreseeing another fall, I can’t help but think that no, it’s not worth it.

He loves me. I have feelings too, but I cannot be 100% myself. Any hint of criticism or feedback pushes me back to bullet point n.54 in his priorities list.

To be honest, I’m just not sure I want to play anymore, I think I’m starting to just loose interest.

Focusing on myself and on my work made me feel strong and happy on my own once again. I am fortunate enough to have amazing friends and a few men who always show me what love looks like, starting with my father and continuing with other more and less subtle suitors.

What I learned from a man who loves me

There is a man who has loved me for years. He sends me flowers for no reason every week. He has done so for 10 years. Massive, beautiful bouquets accompanied by beautiful cards.

He learned my language, to write them in my native language,

He sends me flowers when he knows I’m ill, when he knows I have something to celebrate and in his own words, he sends them ‘just because he can’.

He celebrates my every win like it’s the most important thing in the world.

He calls me, he sends me video messages to remind me of how much I’m worth, of how wonderful I am.

He’s not trying to be with me anymore yet he always roots for me wholeheartedly.

This kind of love reminded me so strongly of how we can waste years of our lives trying to convince someone who doesn’t truly want to be with us to love us, or we can decide that we are worth more than this and we can choose happiness.

Let’s see…

As I sit here waiting for him to arrive at 3am because in his priority list I’m below ‘Saturday cycling’, I can’t help but wonder: what exactly do I love about this man who never seems to fully be sure about me, about our relationship, about loving me?

Is this truly the life I want?

I did improve on one part my friends, I stopped telling those around me about my relationship and what’s happening, to allow myself to truly listen to my inner voice and I can hear it loud and clear. Now I need the balls to execute.

In the meantime, I will send you updates on how it goes and let’s always remember —

don’t play the game to win, play only it if it’s actually worth winning.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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