They trapped her like a pack of hungry wolves, single-minded and relentless.
I had a secret crush on Sue in high school. We were born on the same day and even looked very much alike, tawny skin and blonde hair, typical of the beach town in which we lived.
Sue was at a Friday night party. I noticed her while I squeezed through the crowd for a cup of beer off the keg. She stood at the end of a hall, looking wasted and ready to pass out, eyes bleary and numb. She stumbled a bit, aiming down the hall, looking like she needed air.
The hallway was lined with high school guys, rowdy and horny. As she began walking the gauntlet to get past, about six of them blocked her way and began groping her breasts, running their hands up and down her blouse and skirt, even in her panties. She couldn’t speak or move. They trapped her like a pack of hungry wolves, single-minded and relentless. The pack mentality.
None of those guys would have laid a hand on her if she was herself, the beautiful Sue who silenced these same boys as she walked into classrooms. But now, nearly unconscious, she was being groped because of her vulnerability. I wanted to rescue her, protect her from this ugly disrespect, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.
As I stood there holding my warm, dumb beer, I was frozen by words running through my head, as if they were broadcast over the house speakers. Words that told me it was OK for Sue to be treated like this because, well, it was well-known that Sue was easy. She bore the mysterious stigma of being labeled a “slut.” For these guys mauling her, this was not only acceptable behavior, but expected and cheered!
Was that the wolf pack voice that I heard being transmitted through the ethers? Was it saying that we found a wounded elk, let the feeding begin?
Five years later, I had a roommate who’d remained good friends with Sue; she told me that Sue had a horrible childhood, that she was adopted and sexually abused by the new “dad.” I see now how well she fit into the stereotypical patterns of dysfunction, how well her life reflected the ruptured attachments she inherited from her abusive upbringing. I also understood, then, why I felt so connected to her.
♦◊♦
My sister Tami barely survived her own childhood traumas. Our early lives were stained by parental neglect, abuse, and narcissism. Tami was beautiful, strong, and at a petite 4-foot-8, she easily excelled in high-level gymnastics.
When she was 12 years old, Tami placed a babysitting ad on the bulletin board of our local supermarket, which allowed her extra spending money over the summer. One “job” was a man who asked her to wait a while, saying his wife and child were due home any minute. He sat on his couch, drinking.
She pulled out some fabric and a pattern for a dress she was learning to make and sat on the living room floor, staying busy laying out the fabric. After a couple more drinks, the man got up, grabbed her scissors and held them against her stomach, commanding her to strip and keep quiet, or he would kill her. So became the ugly end of Tami’s childhood innocence. I doubt that man even had a wife and kid. Likely, he was just a predator, and Tami was easy prey.
Keeping that incident secret, under death threats from this neighborhood monster, was the beginning of Tami’s unraveling. Within a few years, in the middle of high school, she began to crumble. Our mother dropped her into an “evaluation period” at the psych ward of the general hospital, complete with barred windows, padded cells, and high security doors. Insurance covered it, so it must have been “the right thing to do.”
The lithium, thorazine, and who knows what other drugs she was put on, made it impossible for Tami to think or feel clearly, and so it was there, inside that ward, that Tami fell into the abyss. She broke.
After her fourth month in that insane hell, she found a way to escape, though her freedom was short-lived, as the hospital put out an All Points Bulletin (APB), fearful of the liability of losing a minor. It was the beginning of Tami’s career of great escapes.
Her tiny body—with its freakish strength and flexibility—combined with her innate intelligence, allowed her to mastermind escapes from over a dozen high-security state hospitals. But she’d usually be arrested again within days, due to her identifiably diminutive physique, which gave her away as she stole food from markets to survive.
The periods immediately after escaping were difficult as she would often be unaware of what city or state she was in. She would be penniless, in odd hospital clothing, and either loaded on heavy drugs or in withdrawal from them. Instinctually, she wanted to head for the beach where life made sense to her, but that often meant traveling distances in unknown directions.
On the road one night, hitchhiking, probably heading for the beach in one of those disoriented mental states, a van full of guys pulled over and collected her. One by one, they took turns raping her little body. She was brought in from the side of the highway clinging to the remnants of her hospital garb. Inhuman bastards.
One afternoon while sitting on the sand, I noticed an odd procession coming down the walkway along the beach. This walkway was a popular beach walk, busy with rollerbladers, bikes, skateboarders, and many people strolling along.
As this raucous parade came more into view, I stopped breathing. There was my tiny, naked sister, staggering without much aim or purpose, clearly escaped yet again. She was in obvious poor mental shape. She had only a bed sheet draped around her…barely.
She was circled…dogged by a pack of boys, laughing and jeering, routinely stepping on the dragging sheet so it would slip off her shoulders to expose her nakedness—until I caught up to them.
♦◊♦
Tami has spent the entirety of her adult life, decades now, in institutions. She is incapable of living in the world in which you and I live; she is too fragile, too broken, too vulnerable. She shared accounts of horrific sexual abuses with me during moments of her lucidity—and I am only reporting a fraction of it all. I know these contributed to her demise, if they were not the cause of it.
Why do humans sexually brutalize fragile human beings, people’s sisters, daughters, sons?
Individually, most people seem to have a decent moral compass, but when we fall into packs of our peers, why is it that we so often descend to our lowest common denominator? Our animal, socially undeveloped natures? Does it bond us into a hunting party in some primitive, unspoken ritual?
And why do they laugh, as though it’s entertainment?
How can we proceed to call ourselves a human family, to pretend to root for our common good, and then resemble the brutal gangs in a Mad Max movie? I desperately want to believe in our shared humanity, but I struggle to reconcile the parts of “humanity” that succumbs to such barbaric actions.
—Photo Harlequeen/Flickr
People like that will always exist in our society and the best thing to do would be to watch out for them and protect those weaker than you. I suffered at the hands of bullying by a close knit clique of girls when I was younger and all because I was the new kid in school. But I wasn’t so easily beaten by those girls (on account of the fact that I come from a military family) and with quick retaliation, ripped their clique apart. Some of those girls are my best friends now and their leader has moved on… Read more »
Michael, forgive me for what I am going to say. However, I wondered why you stood by and allowed Sue to be victimized? Even if she was ‘easy,’ a drunken, nearly unconscious, woman deserves the protection from other women and men in the area. While I was reading it, I felt sick to my stomach. Bystanders to bullying or gang-related sexual abuse are partially to blame for what happens. My heart aches for your poor sister. I know her life should have been so different. This is a true tragedy. I didn’t know until my son was a grown man,… Read more »
I’ll be more than happy to confront him for you or with you. If you wish to throw in criminal charges, I’ll facilitate that as well.
If you are not in New England, I’ll find a male survivor who would be happy to help.
Michael,
That was one of the most difficult and pain-filled sex-abuse stories I have ever read.
I too know the gang mentality, but I was the meat at 7-yo. I am so sorry your sister was devoured by the dark. I’m just sick from reading it.
in case you want to see my story as it appeared on TV, here’s a 5-minute version:
http://www.cbn.com/700club/features/amazing/RR73_Robert_Brown.aspx
I’ve read the article. I feel for you. You’ve got my support, if you ever need it.
A confession? Hardly. Michael thank you for writing such a thought provoking piece on the nature (or should I say the anti-nature?) of human beings. What courage it must have taken to finally face the horrors of what you kept to yourself all these years – the outright atrocities done to your dear sister. It is a testament to our baser natures: the greater our fear, appears to be commensurate with our need to conquer those who are weaker than ourselves. Bringing this to the light and to the foreground of discussion is an opportunity for all of us to… Read more »
I am sorry for what happened to his sister, but just like the poster above, I can’t help but notice a ‘tone’ of the articles on here is one of “the OP is a good man but all other men are brutes”. This is the tone of this entire site. Hugo being the worst of the bunch. Hugo reminds of a friend of mine who was (is) an alcoholic but doesn’t drink anymiore, she is FOREVER going on about the evils of drinking so much so that people have actually said they preferred her when she was a rude, obnoxious… Read more »
Wow, this really stirred some great dialog, as well it should. I’m sorry for your sister, Michael, and all the other women AND men who cannot function “normally” (look at the streets) because of childhood/adult abuses.
I couldn’t protect my own children from it, so I feel your “protector”…AND I know there is more to ALL of this than ANY of us really get. I pray for the vulnerable and weak, because I cannot help them.
Thanks for this soul baring piece…may it serve you and the readers in some way…and your sister.
KT
Thanks for writing me back, Michael. The role of a sibling is very tender. We can feel ‘responsible’ and certainly in love with our brothers and sisters, yet we do not have much actual ‘authority’. Especially since much of what can go wrong in their lives can happen while we are also young. It is complicated to lose a sibling, it is such a big part of our identity. I AM a “middle child” because I had both a younger and older sibling. Am I still a ‘middle child’ even though my little sister died? Even such a simple, standard… Read more »
Dear Michael, This article is so bold and heartbreaking. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope some part of this public discussion can be healing for you. I know the pain and helplessness of being a sibling who wishes they could do more to protect their family members. While the details are very different, I spent my whole life aware of injustices my little sister had experienced that my older brother and I had been spared. My big brother and I would now be considered “well-adjusted” and “successful” and my little sister committed suicide 3 years ago…a few days… Read more »
Thank you for sharing this Margo. I choked up when I read this, “My heart breaks every day over factors I saw but was in no position of power to change as a sibling”. You captured what I was feeling, and do to this day. I grieve my sister and know that she will likely never return. I am deeply regretful for your loss. That must be a very confusing wound. I realize that this comment thread has morphed more into a discussion of violence, due to the pack mentality aspect, but the heartbreak side of ‘our’ stories is yet… Read more »
Michael, thank you for sharing this incredibly powerful piece. Raw, brutal and honest it does make us look at the underbelly of our humanity and we should all remember that there is a dark side that we must be careful not to feed. I still see packs of young men, often loud and boisterous, sometimes just out for fun; and sometimes you can feel that there is also something else there…an angry current that can lead to violence. During the “wilding” days of NYC, packs of young men would roam downtown Manhattan and I remember one night my friend Julie… Read more »
Excellent post Maia Pinion. This clarifies for me the need for the particular aspect of ‘justified violence’, which is self defense which I expand to include defense of your loved ones from attackers. If someone jumps out and attacks you, in my opinion, they have voluntarily crossed the Rubicon of their own safety and are subject to accept the potential fallout, whether it’s pepper spray or lethal. It is not like the attacker first declares their objectives and limits to their threat, they simply attack. We all know of horror stories. The “wilding” period, based around the central park rape… Read more »
Before people get too depressed, I would like to point out that pack mentality can bring out the best in people, too. Two instances come to mind: I read an article once that described an instance where a football team was playing an away game and hit up the bars in their new city. Upon approaching one bar, one of the team members noticed a guy quite viscously beating his girlfriend outside. He yelled at the guy to stop, but was ignored. He alerted the other members to what was going on. All of them – every one – surrounded… Read more »
Excellent point Lindsey- It seems when times get real bad, like in disasters, that people bond together for helping to do noble deeds. Sept 11 comes to mind. Very many heroic deeds by civilians during those dark times. I was with a pack of kids camping in the mountains and a brush fire broke out a mile away. There was about 20 of us 10-12 year olds who ran to it and made a line passing T-shirt loads of dirt to douse on the blaze of pine trees. We fought it for an hour before the forest service guys took… Read more »
Julie, thank you for the url’s.
I’ve been pondering ‘justified violence’ (while scrubbing my floors). What came up was the honest response I would have to coming across my loved one being brutalized. I believe that I would instantly and instinctively annihilate the aggressor, or die trying. My Buddhist compassion only goes so far. I wonder if a devout pacifist would implore them to desist? My response is more Law of the Jungle than civil obedience. What reigns in the courts of pure instinct? I wonder how many people are incarcerated for this type of ‘justified violence’?
Your theory of “justified violence” is dangerous and not well thought out. Anyone can have their own version of what is “justified” violence. Do you not understand that terrorists feel justified in plotting to kill complete strangers who have personally done no harm to them or anyone they know and call their acts “justified violence”? I am not discounting your anger and hurt for your sister. I understand pain and loss caused by another individual. My daughter was killed in an accident caused by an act of negligence by a person who knew better. My and my wife’s approach… Read more »
How could any act of violence benefit me, my family, or my poor daughter? It would only do more harm. The negligent individual must live with the fact that he caused the death of an innocent child but was forgiven by her parents. Think about that. . . While often true I think the hesitation of fogiving aggressors (and the desire of retaliatory violence) is thinking that said aggressor simply does not care enough to be bothered in the least bit whether you forgive them or not and are only concerned that they walked away from it. Its a matter… Read more »
Danny – I get that, I do. However, those feelings and actions can sometimes be misplaced (e.g. Troy Davis) . If the family of Troy Davis’ alleged victim have even a shred of doubt that he was the killer, will they have relief and satisfaction? Or, might the possibility of the death of an innocent man haunt them indefinitely?
I’m not saying that there aren’t extreme cases; however, violence seldom truly settles things to the satisfaction of all concerned.
Depending on how angry they were a shred of doubt might not be enough. Some people get so overcome with the desire to see someone punished they won’t give a lot of thought to whether the right person is being pushinshed.
I agree that violence seldomly truly settles things to all concerned, but when you’re in pain and want justice…
Eric M-
That’s heartbreaking. I believe that most parents could touch on how that would feel, to lose a child, but the actuality must be beyond words. I am so very sorry.
My hypothetical remarks are not working well today. I was more referring to intentional acts of severe violence whereas it seems as if your loss was more an accident? And the other point you made about blind terrorism would be in the auto-instinctual reaction that I was attempting to express.
Thank you for your thoughts, and there is certainly a difference between negligence and an intentionally victimizing someone.
Eric, I admire your willingness to forgive someone for something many people would find unforgivable, and I hope it has helped with the healing for you and your wife. But I would like to say, with respect, that a violent crime and an accident (even one which was a result of severe negligence) are simply not the same category of action except, perhaps, in base outcome. Saying that anyone has their own personal justification for violence does not invalidate all violence. If you’re suggesting that my personal feelings form the entire basis for a moral framework and that morality is,… Read more »
I’m not saying that some people aren’t past reclamation; however, how do we know who they are until we try to reclaim them?
Nor am I saying that people should not be help accountable for their actions. However, from a personal standpoint, I simply don’t believe violence at the hands of a person with imperfect judgement is always going to be a reliable way to resolve problems. It often causes more long term problems than it solves.
Lovely comment.
On the other hand, if someone is in the act of flying a plane into the World Trade Center or some other significant structure, isn’t it better to storm the cockpit and take down the plane killing all aboard rather than permitting the attack to proceed and dying anyway? Too harsh? It’s realistic enough and we know where those who acted violently stand in restrospect. How about someone invades your home and is raping your child? Stealing your livelhood (cattle let’s say and you’re a rancher)? Say if you’re attacked? Attacked with a knife? Mugged with a knife? Where does… Read more »
Hello Wet One-
Tai Chi is somewhat a non-violent form of martial arts. You remain balanced and grounded, harness the attackers energy and they sorta defeat (or deplete) themselves. Other forms of martial arts avail one to such a sense of calm and confidence that many violent encounters are then avoided, since fear often instigates violence. These are good ‘tools’ as you say. And these can also be used when violence seems unavoidable, but that’s my opinion (I’m not a very good pacifist).
I’d look into some books and works on group development and group dynamics. Here is a basic link, http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=group+dynamics&x=0&y=0, but there are more, if you look. It would be useful for you to see how human development as an individual is influenced by our desire for group membership. How exclusion and peer pressure work in groups, and how leadership models and authority influence group dynamics. Think the Millburn experiment. Think gangs. Think church groups. Think young men at a party where shit is going down they know isn’t right. It is extraordinarily hard to fight that authority of the leader… Read more »
Julie said: “I feel there are ways to tell these stories without utilizing hyper dramatic imagery such as “Was that the wolf pack voice that I heard being transmitted through the ethers? Was it saying that we found a wounded elk, let the feeding begin?” or “Our animal, socially undeveloped natures? Does it bond us into a hunting party in some primitive, unspoken ritual? I understand the metaphor you are building, but it really angered me because I think the subject matter needs more than that hyper-dramatic level of prose.” Julie, I agree with your post except for the above… Read more »
I simply have noticed a pattern in several of these true story pieces where the prose leans towards the sensational rather than the journalistic. I think, personally and this is my opinion, it detracts from the power of the piece. I think there are ways to write honestly and emotionally without being sensationalistic. It’s just my opinion and I realize that this piece was written and utilized in a cathartic way.
“How can we proceed to call ourselves a human family, to pretend to root for our common good, and then resemble the brutal gangs in a Mad Max movie? I desperately want to believe in our shared humanity, but I struggle to reconcile the parts of “humanity” that succumbs to such barbaric actions.”
I think it’s both/and. We do have a shared humanity. And part of our humanity involves violence, group norms, dominance and a mind that can create peace, but also hell. We are good at both animal and angel.
Well said. The Holocaust was a most human event, filled with humanity from stem to stern. Pretending that evil impulses are not part of humanity does not serve us well.
First of all, I’m incredibly empathetic to the situation with your sister. I’m so sorry she’s had to suffer that way and I’m glad you’ve done what you could to protect her. I have no doubt that the guilt and anger you’ve felt over the years is powerful. I realize that you feel passionately and strongly about these stories and it may well be very hard to tell them. Kudos for doing that work. But- I have a complaint about a trend I’m seeing with the Goodmen Project. I want to second what Ron is saying up there about the… Read more »
Civilization is not a veneer which can be removed easily, Julie. It is a veneer which can be *renounced* easily. I think this is an important distinction because it clearly preserves the fact of human choice: both the role it plays in the savagery of which humans are capable, and the hope for righteous action even in the face of grave risk. And I think it would have been better had several men in whatever pack directly intervened rather than merely calling the police. Unfortunately, in many places, we simply view it as the role of police or the government… Read more »
That was clumsy of me. Yes, obviously doing more than dialing 911 is vital. I meant, however vague, do something besides be passive.
‘Even more troubling of a thought, we are the worst animal because we are both animal and civilized. Because human beings are in many ways much crueler than animal packs. We plan and think about our violence. We codify it and systematize it as in Bosnia with the camp rapes there. Animals don’t do that. The kill and move on and it’s about survival not pleasure in the killing. And I don’t have any idea how to go about fixing that.” This really struck a chord with me. It’s something that I’ve thought about for a long time. It’s something… Read more »
I agree Lindsey. This is what bothers me a lot. The sense of entertainment from watching or inflicting pain. I am not talking about S&M stuff, which is desired and accepted between the parties, but the intentional infliction of suffering or death with a smile seems really psychopathic, and a product of cultivating some pretty bad decision making, to put it lightly.
Michael thank you for this heart-breaking story. I continue to believe that the sins of some cannot be generalized into the evil of all. The very point of this whole site and conversation is to openly discuss male goodness in all its forms. I hope you find solace in that.
Thank you Tom, not only for your sentiment but in the courage and intention that was summoned to create this site. The fact that you, and the many others in GMP, work tirelessly to bring these conversations into the hearts and minds of others does indeed bring solace. I thank you.
“I continue to believe that the sins of some cannot be generalized into the evil of all. ” Exactly. Agree. Thank you. So, then let’s discuss male goodness for a change. There are plenty of examples of good things men do every day. Let’s hear more about them. If bad behavior is generalized to seem to be the what being a male is about, good men will simply tune out. However, bad men may very well feel justified in their behavior, since they are just acing out what is apparently common, expected, and unavoidable behavior for men. I believe it’s… Read more »
In a way, I do think that this is an article about male goodness. Although what is actually being discussed is absolutely awful, the writer’s concern and care and tenderness comes through quite strongly. Even without knowing the author’s name, I could have known that this was written by a man. The clear, distinctly male voice of the author really balances the way that the guys behave. I do agree that if people think that something is common they are more likely to do it themselves. However, this article is such a clear condemnation of that behavior that I think… Read more »
“If bad behavior is generalized to seem to be the what being a male is about, good men will simply tune out” Interesting point Eric. I’ve noticed the enormous extent that media plays in teaching us most all we know about life and society. Not just the Disney and cartoons stuff but music and all types of media these days are educating us in every which way as well as reinforcing role model behavior. This is nothing new, but the media today has grown so exponentially in every direction and genre that keeping up with even a portion of it… Read more »
I’m very sorry. But I’m beginning to question this confessional style of activism on tgmp.
Is this true, are hugos stories true?
How much of it is truth and how much if it is staged? It becoming difficult to know.
Ron yes it is true
Ron, I’m not sure where you’re coming from or why you are associating my article to some type of activism. This was very cathartic for me to write, so I thank you for reading it. Tami’s last escape was 24 years ago from Napa State hospital in CA. She didn’t turn up for several months. Seems that someone dropped her at a psychiatric hospital near Chicago, 2000 miles away. She was so traumatized that it was 3 weeks before she was able to tell the hospital her name. She has not escaped again and remains there today. Nobody knows what… Read more »
Micheal.
I said I was beginning to question. I didn’t outright invalidate your story. I’m sorry if I have triggered you in anyway with my comments.
Ron-
yeah, sorry about the threatening hypothetical, your comment hit a nerve while I was still in shock to see this in public print. Thanks for the return note though.
What I appreciate with GMP is their intention to be “the catalyst for discussion”. I see a lot of pack aggression where I live and that heats up old wounds. I’d like to understand that more, and especially the entertaining quality of hurting people, that seems to be barbarically, pure human.
I’d look into some books and works on group development and group dynamics. Here is a basic link, http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=group+dynamics&x=0&y=0, but there are more, if you look. It would be useful for you to see how human development as an individual is influenced by our desire for group membership. How exclusion and peer pressure work in groups, and how leadership models and authority influence group dynamics. Think the Millburn experiment. Think gangs. Think church groups. Think young men at a party where shit is going down they know isn’t right. It is extraordinarily hard to fight that authority of the leader… Read more »
I find it interesting that in a piece about violence and how you wish for humanity to move past it, in a piece where you are questioning our animal natures when confronted with an opposing viewpoint (and yes one that clearly made you feel insulted) your first reaction is to tell him you want to hunt him down and pummel him until he is able to be washed away by rain. I think all humans are capable of this level of violence both out of the thrill of the hunt and out of a need for revenge and protection. Do… Read more »
Righteous wrath has a certain privilege vis a vis injustice. Violence is a tool. Properly used, it can do some real good.
I agree Julie,
my reaction to protection was stirred in me, maybe similar to how you’d feel if someone was messing with your kids? My anger doesn’t enhance my years of living in communes and ashrams. I suppose that if nobody were to write anything until they’ve mastered the topic there would not be much written, especially self-help books!
True enough, Michael.
I’d look into some books and works on group development and group dynamics. I don’t know if the commenting policy won’t let me link, but search in a bookseller for group dynamics or altruism. It would be useful for you to see how human development as an individual is influenced by our desire for group membership. How exclusion and peer pressure work in groups, and how leadership models and authority influence group dynamics. Think the Millburn experiment. Think gangs. Think church groups. Think young men at a party where shit is going down they know isn’t right. It is extraordinarily… Read more »
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this brother’s perspective of rape and sexual violence. Just knowing that a brother would hold his sister’s taumas and pain in his own heart so tenderly is healing for me. Your article reached back to the times I felt so isolated, blamed and utterly abandoned by those who could have helped heal the effects of traumas. It was like being offered safety, a blanket, a cup of hot chocolate and the place to cry at long last by the brother who cared so deeply. Many of us had fathers and brothers who prefered… Read more »
How brave of you to tell this unbelievably difficult story. Please know that in doing so, you bear witness to the many crimes perpetrated on her, your words testify to the reality of her experience even as she isn’t able to tell it herself. Your selfless act is heroic and noble and I, for one, am reinvigorated in my own activism. Yours is an extremely sobering look at the side of rape not often talked about: the emotional fallout when there is not only no support, but absolute abandonment by those nearest to the victim. Let’s remember that as hideous… Read more »
That is absolutely heartbreaking Michael. Your sister didn’t even seem to have a chance. I’m so very sorry for what she went through her entire life. I’m a season New York Jet ticket holder. A few years ago men would stand at one of the gates on the far end of the stadium and call out obscenities to women. Women with their boyfriends. Women with their husbands. Women with other women and even women with their children. From what I heard, the crowd of men was substantial. This apparently had gone on for years and no one did anything about… Read more »