The Pressure to Be Perfect

Many of us, both men and women, have carried a burden since childhood. We’ve often been told by our teachers, parents, and authorities in our culture to “Be special, stand out from the crowd. Be somebody.” So we do what we can to avoid the scourge of being a “nobody”.

What it takes to be “somebody” usually differs for men and women. Especially in the past, women became special by being beautiful, charming, sexy, efficient homemakers, and generous family caregivers. And they established their elevated status by marrying someone special. More often now, women become special through their own skills and intelligence.

It is different for males. As boys and men, we have had certain expectations placed upon us because of our gender. For some of us, those expectations were powerful demands. Be good at sports, or at least be knowledgeable about teams and athletic stars. Know how to do some home and auto maintenance and repair. Be competitive at school and work. Be confident with the opposite sex. Don’t let yourself be bullied by anyone. Be strong and able to carry heavy objects. Be expert or at least competent at many things, the more, the better. You will be judged by how much money you make, so earn lots, and you will be judged by the “man toys” you possess, so acquire many. Those of us who didn’t get with the program were excluded from the club or considered outsiders, not “real men”.

At first, these expectations and demands to be special came from outside us, from parents, friends, and society. Very early on though, we co-opt and internalize them. They become demands we place on ourselves. We try our best to fulfill these demands because we want the acceptance and admiration of others, and we want to feel good about ourselves. Also, there are very real rewards that can be obtained by working to fulfill the demands– money, status, access to beautiful women, respect from other men, and the opportunity to live “the good life.”

Some of us go to the extreme and carry the burden of perfectionism– we have to be good, very good, at everything, or almost everything. If not, we judge ourselves, put ourselves down, force ourselves to try harder, be better. If we fail or make a mistake, we obsess about it, beat ourselves up, become depressed and morbidly self-critical. It’s not that we try so hard in order to excel for the sake of excellence, rather, we might push ourselves in order to avoid feeling the sting of being a failure. Or we push in order to avoid others seeing us as a failure. So we drive ourselves and work to acquire the symbols of success– money, positions of authority, expensive toys, the “right” friends– so that everyone, including ourselves, will know that we have it made.

We look around and see other guys with their important jobs, expensive cars and beautiful girlfriends hanging on their arms. We compare ourselves to them, without considering that they too may be putting on a display to prove their perfection and worthiness. Yet their “props” of success are no guarantee of happiness, as the myriads of unhappy, successful men attest. Real success comes from doing things that fuel your passion, satisfy your curiosity, serve others, give you joy, and uplift your mind and body. Pursuing these goals, rather than the props of male success is what really makes for “the good life”.

To strive to be good, to accomplish, to excel, is a great thing, and the pursuit of excellence is a noble pursuit. But no one can be consistently good, or good at everything. And perfectionism, if fueled by fear of failure, is a full-time job. Let up for even a moment and you run the risk of becoming a “loser”. So how can those of us burdened by the weight of our perfectionism survive our self-imposed imprisonment while still retaining a healthy attitude toward ourselves? How can we “cut ourselves some slack” while still maintaining the goal of excellence? How can we rid ourselves of the painful notion that our level of performance and the props we acquire determine our value as a man and as a person?

The source of the need to be perfect is, for most people, the belief that they are fundamentally bad, flawed, unlovable, and/or unacceptable. They believe that if they become good enough, strong enough, smart enough, rich enough, obedient enough, they can earn the love and admiration they so desperately need from others and from themselves. Ultimately, this doesn’t work. It is based on a lie, the lie that you are unlovable as you are.

The truth is that you are uniquely who you are, and who you are is the perfect expression of your unique self in the moment. You are exquisitely who and what you should be, right now. When you are able to trust this as true, you are able to live as your true self, not motivated by fear or shame, but motivated by passion and inspiration. You can breathe, free of the curse of having to be perfect.