The Price You Pay for Not Settling in a Relationship

Are you married as yet?

I am sure this is a question you are often asked if you are single, and the follow up question is usually ,“what are you waiting on?”

This question is usually more directed to single women rather than men, since society is more concerned about the biological clock of women.

When I talk of settling though, it refers to finding a spouse and getting married even though at times they may not be a compatible mate for you.

However, so often we believe time is running out from a physical perspective of having children, living in that nice community with the white picket. We then find ourselves resorting to the “best option” at the time — 5 Signs You Are Settling For Someone You Like But Don’t Love.

You may console yourself with settling because of loneliness, financial support and even develop a sense of dependency on this person.

In no way are you being judged, we all settle for a variety and combination of reasons.

However, the sense of having no other alternative choice and resorting to what is available may initially appear to be the best option, but is often fraught with challenges that appear later in the marriage relationship.

How do I know this? because I did it.

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Some people may settle and not face all these consequences, but usually a relationship based on selecting the best option, rather than who is best for you, lead to challenges eventually and in some instances painful breakups.

Persons who choose not to settle are often considered too picky or fussy, unwilling to commit, and laughed at with their focus on “finding the one”. Choosing not to settle is considered a loser’s game and so when persons choose not to settle with an inappropriate mate, they are usually condemned for being difficult.

You may at times feel societal pressure and be tempted to “settle”, but the price you pay for settling could be greater than not settling.

Let’s not make any mistake about it, each has its price. Some short term and others long term. We are often encouraged to settle as there would be long term consequences of not — waiting too long to start a family, having to put a career on hold to have children later on and so the list can go on.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

The truth is though, that by not settling you pay more short term than long term consequences.

Initially you may be tempted to doubt your ability to find an appropriate mate and so you may wish to adjust your values etc.

The thing is we all have core values buried in our subconscious and when we try to go against these it may appear initially to be okay, but then it gets difficult to follow through with something that just doesn’t feel right.

You know what I am talking about …. that gut wrenching sense that something is not as it should be. So you decide between being at peace or having someone there… Sounding familiar as yet?

I wouldn’t lie to you…not settling has a price also:

These are just some of the costs of not settling:

1. Loneliness — There may be days when the world feels against you and you ache to come home to someone who will be there to reduce the stress and offer a comforting hug.

2. Anxiety — Look all around and everyone is faced with anxiety about an uncertain future with the presence of the pandemic. The anxiety can be heightened on occasions, and in the absence of a partner more difficult to cope.

3. Economic responsibility — You are faced with all the responsibility of managing your household and attending to any financial emergencies that may arise.

4. Single parenting — If you have children from a previous relationship, though the children will have another parent, you long for a partner who can reside with you and your children and provide immediate support if needed.

5. Sexual intimacy — If you decide you want to have sexual intimacy only after finding a compatible partner for marriage, and not have casual or short term relationships, sexual relations may also be something you do without.

. . .

Despite these costs, wouldn’t you rather have someone compatible to you?

Wouldn’t you rather wait for someone who will value you and your standards and also have similar?

Wouldn’t you want someone who you can truly enjoy life with in the long term?

Then if so, don’t settle, pay the initial price and wait.

The long term cost of settling is more expensive than the short term cost attached to waiting.

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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.

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