Mothering (or fathering) a spouse or mate is shorthand for an insidiously destructive power dynamic in a romantic relationship. When a person “parents” their mate on a regular basis, there’s an implicit assumption that the spouse doing the mothering or fathering knows best, is more competent, more mature, more intelligent, more capable, more responsible, or more able to do things effectively than the other. Mothering and fathering spouses control their partners under the guise of advising them and being helpful. Sometimes, this is done with the intention of “taking care of their partner’s health.”
The “mothering” (or “fathering”) spouse is often unconsciously invested in their role as the more knowledgeable, mature or authoritative one in the relationship. However, for this dynamic to continue over time, the “immature” or “irresponsible” mothered or fathered partner also colludes in sustaining their “less-capable” position. They are often unconsciously invested in their role as the immature or more dependent partner.
If you sometimes find yourself on either end of this dynamic, take some time to examine what’s really going on for you. Look under the surface at what each of you is “gaining” from being in your position or role. Identifying the unconscious “benefits” of mothering or being mothered will help you recognize what’s keeping you stuck. It will also point you toward the steps you’ll need to take to get unstuck, have a relationship where power is more equitably distributed, and “grow up” in the areas that you’re turning to your mothering or fathering spouse to compensate for your lacks.
Changing this dynamic could means refraining from advising, criticizing, or pleading with your partner. It could mean setting boundaries for yourself (e.g., if you partner smokes, you set boundaries around smoking in your presence). It could mean learning to vulnerably share how your partner’s poor health choices impact you (rather than judging them). It could mean recognizing that you can’t control your partner or force them to be make the choices you believe are right. Or it could simply mean talking more openly and honestly with your partner about the pros and cons of staying in the mothering/fathering role or in the child role.
Why is mothering and fathering our spouses or partners ineffective? It takes the agency away from our spouses and infantilizes them. It reinforces the message that we don’t trust our partner’s ability to make healthy choices. It’s often more about our own anxiety and need for control than about helping our partners develop a sustainably healthy lifestyle and/or relationship with themselves. It’s a temporary “quick fix” rather than a long-term solution. It takes care of surface issues (our partner’s poor choices and unhealthy behaviors) but doesn’t honor the deeper issues: stress, low self-esteem, trauma, ambivalence, etc. Although our partners may allow or even want us to “mother” or “father” them for the short term relief and sense of security our “solutions” and oversight seem to offer, in the long run, our partners end up resenting us for controlling them, stifling them, disempowering them, not trusting them to figure things out, and micro-managing them.
Relationships caught in unconscious power-dynamics don’t feel as authentically loving as ones that are more egalitarian and mutually respectful. In addition, it can be hard to feel genuinely sexually desirous toward someone who mothers or fathers you because the relationship carries with it the echoes of a family relationship rather than a romantic one.
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