Jordan Gray says that people aren’t mind readers, and we shouldn’t expect them to be.
A great relationship, and an overall sense of emotional fulfillment comes from putting forth effort.
But we still wish it would just slide its way into our life without our having to ask for it explicitly.
You don’t need to have discussed your sex life in order to have amazing sex. That’s true. Just like you don’t have to sit down and do a goal writing session in order to end up in your dream career. But it certainly helps things along.
The real problem comes when relationship partners start expecting that their partner should be able to read their minds and know their emotional and sexual needs without being told.
The words “They should just know” pop up in my client sessions frequently.
But here’s the problem with the expectation of “they should just know”…
People Aren’t Mind Readers
While it is nice to be in a relationship with a highly intuitive person who sometimes knows just how you’re feeling, people have yet to figure out how to read minds.
And if you’re saying this to yourself in your relationship then chances are you aren’t getting your needs met.
And if you aren’t getting your needs met and you aren’t verbalizing it, then you’re likely avoiding the vulnerability of asking for your needs to be met.
Whether it shows itself in your sex life, emotional life, or with the more mundane tasks of every day life, you are allowed to ask for help. You are fully within your right to be insanely content with your relationship… if you just pluck up the courage to ask for your needs to be met.
Why People Don’t Ask For What They Want
There is a certain sense of putting yourself on the line when you actually ask for what you want.
If you haven’t asked for your needs to be met, you can’t be rejected. If you ask it out loud, your partner can say no. And that could potentially hurt more than the just going along wishing and praying that they’ll figure it out on their own.
How they respond to your request is beyond your control. Say what you need to say, in a respectful, non-judgmental way, have faith that they will receive it well, and hopefully they will oblige.
Surrender the outcome of your request, choose to employ the courage that you already have within you and ask for what you need.
“I’m feeling really emotional and don’t feel like having sex tonight, so is it okay if we talk for a bit and just cuddle?”
“I had a crappy day at work. Do you mind if we don’t talk for a few minutes while I settle in so I can feel more grounded first?”
“I’m feeling like we’ve been kind of disconnected for the past few days. Have I done something to upset you? Is there anything you feel like isn’t being said between us?”
“Can we clear some space in our calendars today/tonight/soon to make sex a priority? I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately and I think a nice slow session would be really good for us.”
Whatever it is that you feel is lingering in the unsaid space, say it. While not every single argument has to be talked to death (or talked about at all), if you’re chronically expecting your partner to be able to know your thoughts without you saying them, you might be waiting for eternity for them to figure out what you need.
Because the truth is, they would likely want nothing more than to make you feel more loved/happier/more fulfilled… they probably just don’t know how yet.
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