The Problematic Consequence of Denying 'All or Nothing': Apathy

I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), and I like to be straight the point about it. But one of the consequences of this disorder, much of my life was lived through the lens of “all or nothing”. The symptoms manifest differently for everyone, but for me it was a lot of obsessions with things being a certain, rigid way. At one point I tried trimming my own pants, and I was so obsessed with them being perfectly even. I kept trimming and trimming and trimming to the point that they were so short I couldn’t even wear them anymore (That is a lesson is not letting your OCD run your life and not letting a 13 year old cut her own pants.)

Beyond pants, there are so many times I lived in a rigid world: how I expressed my identity, how I interacted in relationships, how I participated in school, my interests, etc. A middle ground, gray area of life didn’t exist for me for a very long time. But in the pursuit to embrace the gray in my life, there has been a process of learning how to slowly shed several different skins and iterations of “all or nothing”. It’s not a perfect process and I still see the thought process creeping back up on me. And in the pursuit of gray and the shedding of a black and white mindset, I encountered another side effect: apathy.

Apathy for Me

When I am apathetic. I am very sad and absent. But it’s beyond sadness — it’s a burdensome numbness. I looked at things I would normally love to do and essentially think, “If it’s not all or nothing — it’s emptiness.” I am very rarely apathetic, and I consider myself an incredibly sensitive and empathetic person. So when it apathetic thoughts show up, it really hits me like a load of deprecating, self-limiting bricks.

In a world of embracing gray, you can look at life by releasing what doesn’t serve you or simply moving on or putting something on pause. But apathy, is not giving a shit. Because at least when you move on from something you can look at the value you received from the efforts or the lessons you learned. Apathy also stems from exhaustion of too much anxiety. Feeling so over stimulated or on edge that avoiding making a decision becomes its own path. Feeling apathetic sucks for your body, mind, and soul.

Consequences of Apathy

Here are what I believe are some of the consequences of apathy:

Shutting people out
Giving up on passion projects (versus just taking a break or realigning)
Giving up on your passions in general
Mountains of pity and self-doubt
Stronger instillment of self-limiting beliefs
Feeling extremely fatigued

Moving Past It

After a spell of apathy or numbness to passion, it can be very easy for us to beat ourselves out. “I can’t believe you missed out on life by obsessing over X.” Or “Why didn’t you try a little bit harder? Why did you give up? You suck.” When you start dwelling you create an insidious breed of meta-apathy and anxiety and regret.

And NO! We do not do regret in this house. We do learning. Compassion. Understanding. And empathy. Even self-empathy.

Painting in Gray

How I look at cultivating more compassion or self-empathy after a spell of apathy:

Practice mediocre or shitty art
Let things be uneven (like haircuts and pants)
Let yourself try on lots of different identities
Go on lots of dates (especially if dating is making you feel apathetic)
Make mistakes and sit with them
Reach out for support and discuss your discomforts for others
Learn new things that live in the gray of life (aka projects that aren’t explicitly attached to a passion project but make you feel good when you do them)

This is what I call, learning how to paint in gray: embracing those in between moments of life.

Mantras for Apathy

If you’ve read some of my other pieces, you know I love to throw mantras in to help embrace important components of challenges. Here are some phrases/thoughts that can help you work through apathy:

I can be anything I want a change anytime
“I contain multitudes” -Walt Whitman
This or something better
I live my life in abundance
I will try my best even if it feels scary/hard
This too shall pass
I show myself love and compassion

At the end of the day, I encourage you to look at how you can not only support your dreams but to also lean into your support system. And if you don’t have those people, just know they are around the corner. Otherwise, if you’re reading this, know I deeply care about your success and happiness. I am rooting for all of us. 🙂

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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