Many of us have been there, we fell too quickly for the wrong person. We ignored red flags because we were in lust and infatuated.
“Oh, but they smelled so good . . .” or “we had so much in common . . . they could see right through me!”
We quickly start to lose focus on everything else in life. Mr./Ms. Perfect starts taking up way too much of our thoughts. The way they dress, the way they smile, the way they kiss . . . Oh, they’re so perfect.
We are quickly becoming obsessed.
But we have to ask ourselves, is it because they are really that incredible? Or maybe we’re just too quick to find the perfect one that we’re seeing what want to see in them.
I’ve done the same thing, millions (well maybe not millions . . .) of times. Mr. Right turned into Mr. Ick pretty quick. Like seriously, what did I see in them?
With psychology, we can peek into the framework of a bad relationship.
. . .
Too Many Expectations
An article in Psychology Today says we are conditioned from when we were young to expect a perfect relationship. All the stereotypes are set in stone before we even have our first date. Men or the dominant partner must be one way, and women or the passive partner must be another way. One partner is expected to be a stud, while the other would be considered a slut if they engaged in the same sort of behaviour. Along with these expectations, another point is the need for constant validation. Sometimes we expect our significant other to fulfill our needs. We expect them to be our sole source of happiness.
Why?
What happens to us if they’re no longer around, or we find ourselves alone? Having the sole responsibility for someone’s happiness would be a suffocating experience, could you imagine?
. . .
I was guilty of this with my first boyfriend. He was practically the air that I breathed. Literally. And he thrived on that.
I thought I would die without him. We were together for 10 years, and we naturally grew apart and grew into different people. He no longer wanted to be the air that I breathed. Gasp . . . so dramatic.
The pain, however, was relentless. But I learned the responsibility for my happiness falls on me. I survived the loss of my first love.
Codependency
In a relationship like mine, with too many expectations, codependency may develop. This is a term used when one partner needs to fulfill the other partner’s needs. They are known as the codependent. I fulfilled those needs, willingly with arms wide open.
This may sound perfect to the needy person, (me), however, it’s a very unhealthy trait in a relationship.
The codependent (him) will “feel worthless” if they don’t have someone who needs them. The codependent will do almost anything for their partner and is in a constant state of anxiety trying to please their partner. The problem with this type of dynamic is what happens if the needy partner grows and becomes less needy?
The codependent’s sole purpose in life is to take care of their partner and be completely and undeniably responsible for them.
. . .
Years later I had a platonic friend who was very helpful during a difficult time. However, once I started to get back on my feet he would put me down. In not so many words, he told me I was incapable of going back to school or getting that really great job. He seemed to thrive a misperceived helplessness he saw in me.
Another codependent relationship
Childhood
Time Magazine also talks about the toxic relationship. Childhood trauma can cause someone to seek a certain type of partner, oftentimes abusive.
The author Jamie Ducharme explains that traumas such as being bullied, being abused or losing a parent while young can lead to seeking out a toxic relationship in adulthood. Ducharme also suggests that naivety can also attract an abusive partner. A child who is overly protected from the world may not notice the signs of an abusive partner. They would also try, and try again to make their partner happy.
Most likely, this wouldn’t be possible, and most likely this relationship would never work.
Mental Illness
Growing up in a home with mental illness or abuse can also contribute to a negative cycle. The child will see dysfunction as normal, and as they mature, they may seek out a partner similar to the mentally ill parent.
Depending on how their family dealt with the situation will determine how the child will handle their future relationship. If one parent stayed in a toxic or abusive relationship then chances are good the child would stay in a bad relationship as well.
Relationship Imbalance
We’ve all been there, one of us cares more than the other. Ugh, that’s the worst. The partner who is more emotionally invested will begin to fear losing their beloved. This can lead to feelings of desperation, and they’ll try too hard to gain the other’s attention and love, smothering them and eventually driving them away.
Take note, smothering never works! Never.
It’s interesting because a relationship imbalance is quite possibly a result of a learned attachment style from early childhood.
There are three distinct styles of relationships. We have a secure attachment, ambivalent attachment and avoidant attachment. Those who are in the secure style are confident in their relationships, they have trusting relationships and healthy self-esteem.
This type of attachment style sets a very strong foundation.
Ambivalent Attachment Style
The ambivalent style of attachment is characterized by one who is untrusting and reluctant to form a close relationship. They may be seen as pushing someone away, but then worry and fret when the other actually is gone. It’s a cycle they can’t seem to break.
The ambivalence they feel must be a source of so much discomfort. It would be difficult for this person to be in a healthy relationship.
Avoidant Attachment StyleThe avoidant attachment style is characterized by one who cannot form intimate relationships. They rarely invest in any form of an emotional or intimate bond. They’re not engaged in anything other than superficial conversations, and generally not interested in their partner’s feelings, and I mean at all. Depending on the other partner’s self-esteem, they may or may not stay in the relationship regardless of the icy treatment.
These attachment styles are formed in early childhood through relationships with our parents. When the child doesn’t feel secure or loved by a parent, this can cause a negative attachment style that transfers to future relationships.
. . .
Romantic relationships can be difficult to navigate at the best of times. A toxic relationship can be extremely painful and downright treacherous to end. Understanding a little about the psychology behind it can perhaps help those involved see their partner for who they truly are.
The clarity in a relationship is one of the most important factors in whether it’s worth holding on to, or if it’s time to let go.
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This post was previously published on P.S. I Love You.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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