The Real Challenge Men Face

I am a woman. So I only know what I have observed and learned from being 47, paying attention, helping raise 6 brothers, having 18 male cousins, being married for 27 years, and loving people, in general. I truly believe there are a lot of good men out there. And I have a lot of faith in them.

I was born into, was raised, and remained inside a very conservative Christian church up until I was 45 years old. My children were raised primarily there as well. And these are my observances:

Some men are authentic in their choices. Others are not. Some are “yes” men and then resent saying yes. Practice being honest.

This resentment is toxic to their whole world, but mostly to their families. If they have a wife or children, they become the brunt of this toxicity. Only say “yes” when you mean it. Look at all of the potential issues with saying “yes” before you make the decision.

When we live authentic lives, we have no space to resent others, feel like we are “missing out”, nor is there a need for gaslighting or manipulation. When we are unhappy-because we have made decisions for reasons other than our own truth-we tend to be rather nasty asses to live with, constantly make excuses for our bad behaviors, and never truly live into our own potential.

Some men are born leaders, take the initiative, start businesses, change the world, etc. And that’s fine. If that’s not you (say you love to read and write poetry), great! Do that. Don’t bemoan the loss of money and opportunities. They weren’t supposed to be yours anyway. Be honest with yourself.

I am fully for and against the individualism of the West at the same time. I believe that for men (and beginning to be for women, as well) that this is one of the main reasons we are seeing the plague of narcissism surrounding us. Talk about a pandemic!

It’s not all about you…ever. There are consequences surrounding every little decision you make. So, when you make a choice, do so carefully. To be authentic, you will need to live with those consequences. Our love for ourselves, our dreams, and our personal fulfillment can often collide with what society expects or what we thinksociety expects. Be careful!

There are a lot of men out there with children who didn’t really want them. They said “yes” to their wives, never intending to fully immerse themselves into the life of fatherhood. Shame on you.

You know these men. I know these men. They are the ones whose wives leave them and they don’t even fight. Or…even better…they take the children, just to hurt their wife and have no effing idea what to do with them. I see it All. The. Time.

There are a lot of men out there who had children because they thought it would magically make their marriages happier. Shame on you.

You putting time and attention into your marriage makes your marriage better. Take your partner out for dinner. Get a sitter for the kids. Do the dishes. Take out the trash before she asks…because it’s your house, too. Pay attention.

There are men out there who say “yes” at work to the detriment of their home lives, their wives, their children, etc. Shame on you.

Of course, there are times, when everyone is called to sacrifice, but keep tabs on it. People won’t stick around forever for you to show up. And if they do, they are hurting themselves. Just like you are hurting yourself. Save everyone the pain. Say NO!

There are a lot of men who cave to imagined societal expectations. Apparently, they don’t realize that men (white ones at least) are the ones who set those norms.

You are beginning to allow women to have space. We are claiming it, but you are still taking most of it. Didn’t your mothers teach you to share? There is plenty for everyone. Poverty mentality, greed, and short-sightedness are true poisons.

Some men are emotional. Some men aren’t. Be what you are, not what you aren’t. It’s fine. Yes, being in touch with your authentic emotions is healthy. But do it in your way. Authenticity first!

There is nothing out there that will tell you how you, YOU, will best live your authentic and most balanced, masculine self. Because no one can know except you.

Be honest.

Had my ex been honest, we would not have had children. I mean, I wanted children, but he had no intention of being a dad. He thought holding babies was fun. He thought kids were cute. He had no effing idea what to do with kids, nor did he ever figure it out. It caused so much unnecessary pain.

I tried to teach him, to coach him along. Yeah, that might have been my worst idea, ever! I expect he thought he already knew or needed me to think that he knew. No matter, he did no reading, never asked questions, nothing that would help him to do that job as it needed to be done. In fact, he was surrounded by some of the best dads I have ever known and did nothing to make efforts to do what they did. Being a copycat is allowed!

So, just be honest. Don’t get yourself into situations that you aren’t ready to show up for. This will make you irritable at best, or put-your-ass-on-the-couch depressed at worst. Either way, you are an ass to live with.

If your wives are anything like I was, they want to see you happy. I put up with literally decades of my ex’s schooling to see him land a good, stable, and well-paid job with all the freedom in the world. Now, he has said job and enjoys all of those benefits…alone. We make our choices.

I do have faith in men. I see men stepping up to the plate; men who have made choices and find themselves in situations that they are not pleased with…doing it anyway. They are showing up as fathers and husbands to women that they love, even if they don’t see eye to eye or even share common goals and dreams anymore.

It’s not their wife’s or children’s fault that they have changed. They don’t make them suffer needlessly. It’s the brave and honorable thing.

Sometimes being a good Boy Scout is the answer. But, make things easier for everyone and…

be honest, trustworthy, hard-working, and authentic. And do your best, no matter.

Leave the world a better place than you found it. We all have the power to do at least that.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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