The Real Message You Need When You’re Desperately Hanging on to a Relationship

Have you been in an on-and-off relationship before, and you’re holding on to the hope that it will work out?

Maybe you’re in a long-term relationship or a marriage, and you’re reaching the peak of frustration.

It’s tough because you want the relationship to work, and you feel like a few simple changes could turn rain into sunshine.

I’ve been in your shoes before.

My writing journey discussing attachment style and relationships started when I was finally on my way out of an unhealthy two-and-a-half-year relationship.

I felt like my life wasn’t complete without that relationship, and I had the mindset that I would do anything to make it work.

I am not some guru. I’ve struggled to hold on to relationships that weren’t best for me. Guess what, tho? Never again.

There are a few practices and mindset changes that will put you on the right path, not allowing it to happen again in your life.

Before we get started, I always like to give my readers a warning. I don’t write that feel-good, manifest, pat-on-the-back crap. I also don’t write the hyper-aggressive, negative, and the world is doom and gloom junk.

We put in the work around here.

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The abyss

Do you want to know what’s at the root of struggling with a breakup?

The scarcity mindset.

You are not actually desiring to keep the relationship in your life. You’re actually fighting, so you don’t have to go without it.

You think starting over will be a more strenuous task than fixing the existing relationship in your life.

Again, I have been in your shoes before, saying things like if we work on this or that, then the relationship can work, we have a great connection, and it’s worth fighting for. It’s been three years, and I can’t give up on that.

The truth is that you’re fighting for control.

You know the relationship is not what’s best for you, and it’s been an unhealthy dynamic for quite some time.

You get consumed with the guilt and shame of a relationship not working, so you “fight” to keep it together.

You’re fighting, so you don’t have to start over and feel the void of a relationship.

You experience the relationship and its issues. You are not completely happy at the moment.

However, when we see a relationship ending, we think about the positive experiences and the things we are afraid to lose.

Failing to shift away from that view will leave you in that cycle for the remainder of your relationships.

You will never release yourself of that feeling to burden yourself with fixing your relationships.

Hit the treadmill

When you get rid of the scarcity mindset, another change happens.

Walking away changes from a scary thought to an empowering decision.

If you don’t learn the value of walking away, you will continue to be a people pleaser who doesn’t value yourself.

Learning to walk away has a waterfall of benefits and results:

Your boundaries and needs become a line in the sand. You don’t have to build frustration with your partner. You laid out what someone can do to show they value you.
You stop feeling selfish and understand that walking away is showing your value.
You cut that seesaw of emotion where you swing back and forth between what you want and the illusion of life without someone.

The transformation doesn’t happen overnight. It’s another mindset change that you have to make.

Think about your past relationships and the time you spent trapped and suffocated by the overwhelming feelings.

There was a time when you could have walked away and started the self-healing journey.

It does not mean you’re abandoning the relationship. It shows your partner that you are not an option sitting there whenever they decide to give it attention.

It shows strength; you will not choose the option that feels good. You will take short-term pain for long-term gain.

Back to the future

The last message I will give you does come with quite a bit of sympathy.

I won’t pretend that actively being present with the pain you’re experiencing isn’t hard.

As cliche as the phrase is, time does heal all wounds.

Let the pain hit instead of trying to dodge it at all costs.

You wish you could fast forward when you have taken the time to heal, found yourself spiritually, mentally, and physically, and can smile because the pain is gone.

That day is not going to be tomorrow, but that’s ok.

Isn’t it weird that before this person existed in your life, you had hobbies and other interpersonal relationships filling your free time, but experiencing a breakup creates a void?

You feel like you created a life with someone, so losing that makes a gap.

You’re going to fill that gap over time.

When you fill it, you will see there was never a gap to fill.

You are reinventing your life moving forward, but you have to see the benefits instead of the negatives.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you’ll get there. Be patient.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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