The Rejection-Sensitive Modern Dating Guide

Preface-

I want to preface this article with the fact that the frame of its narrative is actually the wrong question. The question should not be how to evade rejection since that is impossible. The question should be, how does one endure rejection? This is a more realistic question. Although, I appreciate that is not why you clicked on this article. So, with that preface in mind, here is a guide to navigating the modern dating scene for those who are particularly sensitive to rejection.

…

1. Delete your dating apps.

Don’t let the internet reduce you to a thumbnail. This will be a controversial opinion and potentially even seen as extreme. But, from my experience, dating apps are a breeding ground for shallow engagements and rejection. Especially because there is an asymmetrical male population compared to females. If you are female, there are genuine concerns for safety. A Bio and thumbnail are notoriously easy to deceive someone about your true identity. Bad actors with nefarious agendas like the tinder swindler are just the tip of the iceberg; who knows how deep its ice goes? Furthermore, despite the world being more connected than ever, intimacy among the young is on the decline.

This article is for someone wanting a genuine, meaningful intimate relationship. It is not a how-to guide for hook-up culture. We want a relationship that has more contact outside of just our smartphones. It is incredibly hard to break through the initial stages of conversation in this dimension. And fair enough, women are bombarded by ridiculous one-liners and unsolicited images. I would ignore most of them too. And as a male? How are you to break through the wave of desperation and vulgar avatars?

Also, you may be chosen for reasons that do not endure in the real world. If you are chosen on the base of your looks, this will not root your relationship in a storm. The main things that act like glue in IRL are values and genuine positive interactions based on each other’s personalities. Not sexy, I know, but the reality nonetheless.

Ditch the apps. Return to the real world. Don’t think that just because you are behind a screen, you will be protected from rejection. In fact, you are more likely to encounter it not in a sullen reply and a frown but in the emptiness of an inbox.

2. How to Meet People.

As a person who has AVP and high introversion, I have always been terrible in social engagements and abhor small talk. However, I do realise that small talk is a gateway to meaningful talk. You can’t just go up to someone and be like, hey, why is the black hole at the centre of the galaxy, and why do you think music exists since it does not adhere to the evolutionary necessity narrative?

So, here’s how to do it. Do something you genuinely love, something you are passionate about and join a group that focuses exclusively on this. Running, reading, photography, you name them out there. You may join their groups on social media, but then when you meet IRL, this is where you make meaningful connections and build on them regularly. Now, you may be thinking, hey, this group is a bunch of old people or no one here is attractive etc. However, you do two things simultaneously here. You practice your skill of socialising, become more interesting by broadening your interest horizons, and you don’t know whose daughter/son that older person has. You will be surprised how you meet people, but part of that process is leaving the unsocial social media and internet plains for the real ones.

Like coffee? Enjoy keeping fit? Any place you can go regularly will be a great place to meet people. Start small, just a nod; good morning; you don’t want to overreach like dick-picks in the darkness of badoos inboxes. Be polite and smile with brief eye contact. Got that? Good. Now do it every day.

3. Be a friend first.

If you do, by chance, meet someone who you are interested in. It’s always a good idea to simply be their friend first. This does a few things; we don’t want to be overcome by lust and be blinded by their incompatibility and flaws. Something we have all fallen prey to. Being their friend will serve a few things. You will not reak of desperation which, by the way, is very easy to detect. Furthermore, you will be more relaxed; you will shrink the towering desire of not dying alone to just having another friend. In a world of men screaming outside of passenger windows and desperate one-liners, predatory and pernicious agendas. Be the person who wants nothing other than to be a friend. You will be an anomaly. Take it slow. One day at a time. Try not to daydream/desire/obsess over the person. Relentless observation of their social media profiles and strategic timing of public places where you might ‘accidently’ run into them is discouraged.

I want you to be their friend. Use your intuition; if you feel they don’t want to talk, don’t talk. If they give you one lined answer, simply smile and leave them be. If they are personable, keep the conversation brief and leave them feeling encouraged/supported and in a good mood. I’m not asking you to pretend here. I want it to be genuine support and care. People can tell when you are in it for something, you know. So mean it. Be a friend first.

4. Show genuine interest.

In a world of shallow people and obvious apathy for others. Be someone who is genuinely concerned with the welfare and interests of others. This is without the prospect of romance. This is in spite of the other person rejecting you. This is a selfless act, and it has to be genuine. It does not work otherwise. People can tell, don’t be that person. Selflessly give to others of your time and attention, and you will be rewarded even if you are not immediately romantically successful. This development of kindness into your personality will draw others to you as you continue to grow. You may not see it all from a zoomed-in perspective, but this quality is beautiful and will adorn you with a trait which is rare. This will give you an advantage, but you do it precisely because you do not gain one.

5. Observe body language.

This is a key point. A big part of evading rejection is anticipating a person’s feelings before attempting a move. Now depending on your social reading skills, you can perceive before you try to achieve a date or number. ¹There are many books that will help you hone this skill if you have never watched people before. However, here’s a crash course:

Eyes. If they linger on you or look away quickly and you catch them staring, well done. That’s a good sign. If, however, they do not look at you at all or actively evade your eyes, well, not a good sign. Humans have pupils, so we can see where people stare. We look at what we desire. Do not your eyes linger over the things you long for? So does everyone else. Also, do not obsessively stare at people, especially in Asian cultures. This is considered rude. So make sure you are not making someone uncomfortable. It has been noted that when someone looks at someone they love/desire, their eyes dilate. Also, it might be a dark room, so read your environment correctly.
Feet usually, your feet will point towards what you desire if they’re pointing to an exit, which is not a good sign.
Arms. If they are crossing their arms, this means they are protecting their organs. Unless cold, not a good sign.
Animation. Are they extremely energetic around you? Unless this is their natural state, this could be a good sign.

Some people may be introverted and not show their feelings; these people can be harder to read. If necessary, ask tactful questions to draw these types out. You may be surprised by their inner worlds.

I will reference some books at the end to read. Reading body language is a significant advantage over the internet. This is absolutely key in reading if someone is interested or not.

You do not have to be a body-language expert here. The key is to listen to your intuition.

6. Patience.

This is a quality which will help you pace yourself. There’s nothing more cringe than aggressive ill-timed advances. For every action, there is a time, and timing can be the difference between love and loneliness. As one who feels more pain in rejection, it is crucial you observe your timing closely. In an ideal world, it is the other part who presses forward their advances. You can make you are at the right place at the right time. Giving comforting words when someone is in turmoil. Encouraging someone when they need a push. All words have their place in the right frame and time. Have a deep well of patience, and it will pay off not only in this domain and desire but in all avenues of life.

7. Know yourself.

Part of knowing who you are is knowing you are not. Society will tell you you are most likely to meet someone at a club or party. However, this is rarely the case for the introverted type. However, if you are extroverted, this may be closer to your reality. Regardless, knowing who you truly are will help you deploy the strengths you have and develop your weaknesses. If you feel you are socially inept, practice more. Practice small. It doesn’t have to be crazy public speaking declarations. Remember, if you get 1% better every day after one year, you will be 365% better in a year. Although depicted in novels and media as revolutionary acts and revelations, it is the small granular improvements that truly have an impact on you. Blah blahs Atomic habits is a particularly good read about this. I would recommend you read it.

How is your fashion sense? How is your personal grooming? Are you overweight? These are sensitive subjects, but how we look has a real impact on people. This isn’t the defining metric as aforementioned, but it does have an impact in the real world. Could you buy some new clothes? Lose a little weight? Get a haircut?

Once I took my friend out to town to get a coffee. It was a Saturday morning and particularly busy. I practically dragged him out of bed, and he was wearing loungewear and bed hair and was half-asleep. Anyways, in town I met some old friends, there were a few particularly attractive females there. He looked at me coldly as I accepted their invitation to a coffee house. He walked slowly behind me, cursing me under his breath, feeling entirely out-of-place underdressed and embarrassed, practically wearing his pyjamas. “Dude, im so sorry”, I muttered, trailing behind the group and realising his predicament.

“It’s okay,” He said, looking past me with a resigned strength to his impending doom. “I’ve got personality.”

And it’s true he is an extremely charismatic dude. My point is this. Deploy your strengths to make up for your weaknesses. We all have both. Know them. Be brutally honest. The more work you do here, the more chance of success. Do not give up! Be courageous and strong. I believe in you!

8. Antifragility.

This is the most important point. You see, it’s not as if the fear will ever go away, I’m afraid, and I’m not sure evasion is the ultimate game plan if you zoom out. You have to become stronger than your fear, your rejection and failure. They don’t go away, these feelings. I’m afraid the key is to be stronger than them. This is where gradual exposure therapy is effective. Face your fears, and you will become stronger. This guide will not expect you to have a rejection-free romantic life. Truthfully, it will always be there. The key is to become resilient in the face of it. The aforementioned points will reduce the likelihood of this, but when you are still rejected, respect the person’s decision. Rejecting reality will multiply your sorrow. Accepting rejection in a healthy fashion is an incredibly mature emotional asset. If you can smile in the face of this negative emotion and respect the rejecter, then, in my opinion, you have developed an incredibly attractive characteristic. That is humility, kindness, and a depth of maturity. There are many faces of rejection. It can come in the form of jobs, friends, and credit applications; the types are endless. The one constant is how you react to it.

So don’t evade rejection; face it. Become Anti-Fragile.

…

1. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0010SKSTO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***