Love.
What a word. Some folks are terrified by it. It’s a scar on many a heart in this beating world. Just when you think you’ve figured out the meaning of it for yourself, it changes up or down to something completely different.
For every positive power it yields love unleashes a negative dark side, just to balance things out. To counter the opposites; Love blinds yet lights the way. Love heals yet destroys. Love is happiness or a never-ending fall into a bottomless pit. Love can bring about peace or erupt war.
Such incredible power.
For me love means ‘to change’. Or the long version of it, ‘To be able to adapt to a comfortable level where you can love yourself as well as others’. When you find that person that brings out that undeniable emotion of love out of you, you bring yourself raw to the table. And if you evoke the same from this partner, then they bring themselves raw to the table (so you hope).
But not all love is compatible. Maybe just a small piece. Or a huge chunk. But no matter what you do bring to the table, there is always going to be needed room for change. Adaptation. Because to reach a level of love that will make you both happy, you need to change. Maybe not a lot. Maybe not a little. But being in love usually makes you want to be a better person.
And how do you become better if you don’t change?
Love is the colour white – every colour combined correctly creates white, the base-canvas for almost everything. Love is white, the base-canvas of every emotion. We carry many colours; anger, happiness, sympathy, rage. It is all under the base-canvas of love.
I’ve recently been on a journey through the entangled forest of love. As is the case in some forests, you come across thick, impenetrable woods and to reach the sunny clearing on the other side, you have to wade through the swamp which is a moat. There are no bridges, no short-cuts, no clear-cut path. You have to make your own way. And there’s only one way to reach that perfect-for-a-picnic-clearing. You have to slosh and splash and lose your balance through the murky leech-infested waters. You have to battle out the quicksand when you feel like you’ve got nothing to hold on to, the mosquitoes buzzing, zigging, biting, zagging, leaving behind welts, ringing ears from where you slapped at them.
Parasites.
Things take time to heal from.
You might have to fight off larger predators like alligators or venomous reptiles. But you know that that clearing is going to be the sunniest, warmest place to be and all the shit you go through to reach it might not seem worth the fight in the moment, but you know that it will be well worth the scars.
Because there is simply no other way to reach that ever-beckoning warm, sunny clearing where the sun shines and everything is bright and alive.
But every cloud has its day before the sun. A dark shadow always looms around, waiting for its chance at glory. Sometimes, it just hangs out on the edges, other times, it moves in for the kill.
During my travels I chanced to cross the Indian Ocean on a 47-foot sail boat – off-season. I battled a few storms. Many a shit-bricking moment presented itself. But no matter how big the storm, whether it’s the storm of the century, a 50-year storm or just a happened-to-be-in-the-neighbourhood one, I realised afterwards that it will always pass.
Clichéd? Perhaps. But then what is the point of a cliché if not for these very moments – especially when it comes to love.
There’s no right or wrong way to love. But I find that there is something wrong about how the majority of us have been conditioned into believing how love should be. In the English-speaking world, society’s perception of love has always been negative.
Marriage is a locking-in system for control. It’s not the representation of love. Its main theme, it would appear, is finances.
When we feel the emotion of love, we tend to say – at least, in the English-speaking world – ‘I’m falling in love\I’ve fallen in love\I’m falling for you.’
Falling is never a good thing. It’s a negative outlook on everything. When you fall, no matter from what height, it’s gonna hurt. When you claim that you’ve ‘Fallen’ in love, you’re already setting yourself up for a hard, painful landing.
And when you do feel that sensation of being in love, do you really feel like you’re falling? Or is it a sense of rising up that is sprinkled on you? Do you feel head-above-the-clouds? Like you can do anything and everything is right in the world? How can that be connected to an experience of falling?
We approach romance in the same way. We’ve accepted that we should all be Hopeless Romantics.
Why hopeless? When you feel hopeless you feel distraught, like nothing is ever going to get better. Doctors can’t fix it, the government can’t fix it, your trusted mechanic can’t fix it. It’s hopeless.
But what would happen if we started saying that we’re Hopeful romantics? By changing ‘less’ to ‘ful’ we replace the dark filter with a lighter one, shining a positive light on our romantic horizon. We tell our hearts, ‘Look, there is hope. There is a chance.’
When you’re hopeful, you rise up, chest out, shoulders back, head up. You’re optimistic even if you are a pessimistic. And that’s how love should be approached – with optimism. Instead of falling in love, you should rise up with it. Rise as high as you allow it to take you.
What’s better than being lifted higher? Surges of Cloud 9 moments hitting like whiffs of freshly baked apple pie. So much energy is exchanged when you’re in love with someone why would you fall and drag yourself and them down? Is it not better to rise up? Raise each other to new heights?
Now I know what you’re thinking; if falling is negative, then if you rise up, eventually, if and when you fall (cause nothing is finite), it’s gonna be a rough landing. But here’s the thing:
When you fall from where you currently stand, you go into a deeper, darker crevice – especially with love. When your heart is broken, you fall deeper through the cracks, exploring depths the likes of the Mariana Trench. And it’s from that dark place you have to crawl out from and climb back up to who you were, back to where you used to stand with your own two feet and then rise up from there.
When you rise, you rise from where you currently are so that, should love stall its rise, you’ll land back to where you were and not into a dark abyss. You can pick yourself up much easier. You don’t have to reach the dark pits of self-wallowing.
Which is where I am. Having recently been betrayed, I’ve surprised myself at how calmly I’ve taken it. Because when she proclaimed her love to me, I responded with, “I’ve risen in love with you.”
This is the power of words. Instead of stepping back, step forward and see how things start to change. Your approach becomes hopeful. Negativity turns to positivity.
Words are what fuel our emotions.
All the love songs that proclaim, I would do anything for you\for love are preaching a negative light because love is a two-way street and should come from a balanced, safe environment. If the songs went along the lines of, I would do as much as you for love, it would teach a much healthier approach to the complicated subject of the heart.
Tina Turner sang, “What’s love got to do with it?” Love has everything to do with it because love is everything and everything is love.
This isn’t as easy as it is to read. It doesn’t take away the pain from when the cloud starts to cover the sun. It’s hard work on yourself. Because you have to recondition you’re thinking. You have to be aware of how you describe love to someone.
Now imagine how much more powerful it can be when you rise with it, instead of falling from it.
—
Join The Good Men Project Community.
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many of our new Social Interest Groups, calls about life in the 21st century, and classes (writing, platform building, leadership, social change) as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission.
Register New Account
*Payment is by PayPal.
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. PLATINUM MEMBER commenting badge and listing on our “Friends of The Good Men Project” page.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, a listing on our Friends page, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
Photo Credit: Getty Images
