So, it didn’t quite work out the first/last time. And there are probably very compelling reasons why it didn’t but for some exes, the urge to rekindle the relationship is present and compelling nonetheless.
You see, despite the pain and a possibly long recovery period (up to 18 months by some estimates) that follow a breakup, former partners can have lingering feelings of affection and nostalgia. When the ended relationship really meant something, these feelings can be compelling enough for some exes to find their way back to each other.
Now, there can be a number of psychological factors behind the rekindling of a past relationship but there can also be some pragmatic considerations pushing former partners to give it a second chance.
“When the ended relationship really meant something, these feelings can be compelling enough for some exes to find their way back to each other.”
5 compelling reasons why exes get back together
1. A quick fix for negative feelings
Following a breakup of a relationship where the former partners’ lives had been so intertwined, what usually is a profound loss of a “sense of self”. According to relationship expert, Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. this loss of self that some exes feel post-breakup is one compelling reason why they get back together.
This is because getting back together seems like the quickest fix for the negative feelings of the sudden identity crisis that the exes find themselves in.
Dr. Lewandowski adds that new research also suggests that this urge to get back together is particularly more pronounced in people high in attachment anxiety particularly because the anxiety coincides with a greater identity crisis and which is in turn associated with the urge to rekindle the past relationship. So they feel getting back into the relationship that made them feel whole is the obvious solution to the current situation when they no longer feel so.
“This is because getting back together seems like the quickest fix for the negative feelings of the sudden identity crisis that the exes are feeling.”
2. The fear of uncertainty
Another reason is that by getting back together they are going back into familiar territory. That is, at least you know what you are getting into with an ex because you know what to expect.
This comfort of familiarity, says psychology professor, Theresa DiDonato, has a strong pull. The familiarity seems so especially appealing as the alternative is to step back into the uncomfortable world of dating.
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3. The feelings that won’t go away
Research also reveals that another compelling reason why exes get back together is they continue to experience lingering feelings of affection for each other. That these feelings cause exes to begin reconsidering whether they made the right decision to break up in the first place.
The usual signs an ex is having these lingering feelings include nostalgia, constantly checking up on the former partner’s social media, talking way too much about them to anyone who cares to listen, or always trying to make unnecessary contact.
However, there is sometimes a lot of different emotions post-breakup (love, lust, anger, sense of loss, sadness, etc) and these emotions can get all jumbled up. So experts advise it is always a good idea to clearly recognize which is which, and properly categorize those feelings.
“The familiarity seems so especially appealing as the alternative is to step back into the uncomfortable world of dating.”
4. Resource exchange
Researchers found that people who enjoy a high amount of resources from an ex whether it be information, status, money, etc, experience a high-quality post-relationship friendship which, in turn, increases the chances of the exes getting back together.
Simply put, the more satisfied exes are with the resources they receive post-breakup, the higher the quality of their continued association and naturally, the higher the chances of their getting back together.
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5. Assumptions
A Kansas State University study in 2013 discovered another reason why some couples rekindled the relationship. The reason was, as the couple said, they assumed that their ex had changed for the better and/or that they would be better at communicating.
Unfortunately, such assumptions if not properly founded would only cloud their judgments with negative consequences, and the results indicated as much.
The big question
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Getting back together with an ex is a very personal question for anybody. Although there are some universal values of all healthy relationships like trust, respect, love, understanding, etc., all relationships are essentially different.
“The short answer to that question is, you should get back with your ex only if you think that you and your ex can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship after getting back together.” — Breakup expert & coach, Kevin Thompson
To make that determination is where the long answer comes in because it would depend on answers to a series of other questions. For instance what caused the breakup in the first place? What has changed? Can you navigate the perpetual difference better than the last time? Does trust need to be rebuilt? and so on.
These are questions that are not to be taken lightly because other research has shown that couples who get back together stand a higher chance of breaking up again, and they feel greater pressure to just end it permanently.
The final answer will, of course, depend on the particular circumstances and the couple themselves.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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