I opened my inbox this morning and was hit with the usual onslaught of emails, most of which were advertisements. Amidst the junk sat my daily news digest, with a lead article that stopped me in my tracks. It went something like this: “How (fill in the blank with some new or unusual sexual practice) Changed My Life!”
Ok?! I thought, feeling a mixture of curiosity and repulsion.
Unable to resist, I clicked. The author had written a graphic description of her first-time experience doing this unusual sexual technique, extolling its life-changing value, and sharing that’s she has now done it with several other partners.
Not a Prude
Now, I’m not a prude. I have no problem with couples wanting to try new things in the confines of their bedroom. They are more than welcome, in my opinion, to set up a sex playroom with mirrors lining the walls and to fill the space with nipple clamps, butt plugs, high-heeled stilettos, handcuffs, and whatever else turns them on. I think that’s great. More power to them!
What’s Good Sex?
What concerns me is the seemingly prevalent confusion surrounding what constitutes sexual fulfillment. The proliferation of these kinds of articles leads me to conclude that the pursuit of pleasure and novelty equates achieving a profound sexual connection with another person. I, however, don’t believe one necessarily leads to the other.
I have no doubt the article’s author had mind-blowing sex. She said as much, and I believed her. That, however, did not necessarily mean she experienced mind-blowing intimacy.
We should all take a page out of the prostitute’s handbook. If a great technique is more than enough to drive repeat business, then why create the so-called girlfriend experience? That’s when she pretends to be in an ongoing relationship by being affectionate and going out on pseudo dates with her clients. What’s the point of including an emotional and interpersonal subtext? Because she knows our deepest longing isn’t just to have great sex, it is also to feel loved.
My most profound sexual experiences haven’t required any special equipment or techniques. One particular time stands out when it even moved me to tears.
That night it wasn’t about the position, the lighting, or where he touched me. It was about becoming absorbed in one another. As intercourse progressed, I lost myself in my late husband’s eyes and the shape of his mouth. His sweet scent captivated me as I felt the pleasurable sensation of his body moving in sync with mine. The rhythm became faster and faster as the tension built until we spilled over the crest, which ended with incredible waves of intense pleasure. With tears streaming down my face, I felt a surge of overwhelming passionate love for him. He pulled me even closer as I wept in his arms.
This moment happened over six years ago, but I remember it as if it was yesterday. I felt profoundly known and loved that night.
Built on a Solid Relationship
Great sex is not a guarantee of a soul-satisfying intimate experience with another person. It’s possible to find a woman’s G-spot, make her squirt like a geyser, and give her multiple orgasms without touching her soul.
David Schnarch, Ph.D., psychologist and leading sex expert who specializes in sexual dysfunction, thinks so too. In his interview with Crucible Therapy, he asserts, “One of the things that make us quintessentially human is our ability to be intimate, which in turn gives meaning to sex.” He further concludes in an interview with She Knows that “[g]ood sex isn’t about just elevating [our] heart rate — it’s about elevating [our] heart.”
Great sex requires more than good technique. It’s not merely about what position we use, where we do it, or how many orgasms we have.
The best sex celebrates the relationship. It requires an interpersonal connection that is built on a solid foundation of trust. It occurs when two people invest in spending time to grow their confidence in one another, in creating an unshakable commitment to one another, and in deepening their respect for one another. Without this, a night spent with a masterful lover is nothing more than a great f**k. Fun, but forgettable.
Previously published on Psiloveyou.xyz.
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