“It’s the wanting that keeps us alive,”- so says Veronica Franco’s mother in the movie Dangerous Beauty.
I think she was onto something. Often, when we find ourselves in long-term, committed relationships/marriages with security and longevity as the cornerstone, where is the wanting?
Where is the longing? The desire to tear each other’s clothes of and jump into each other’s skin and soul like you felt in the beginning?
Do we even desire our partners anymore after long work days, sleepless nights, chores, work commutes, crying kids, and paying bills?
Are we bogged down with the monotony of routine and everyday expectations? Do we have any surprises left to uncover with our long-term partners? Or is everything scripted, expected, and similar?
Passion lies in the discovery of something or someone new and exciting.
What happens when we feel as if we know everything about our partner and have nothing left to discover about them?
Are we doomed to life of dwindling passion? Are we to expect comfort and stability and remain part of the boring status quo?
Illicit love affairs involve risk and playful abandon. Desire and passion is the result.
What if we embrace the risk and playfulness of a love affair to rekindle and embrace the passion we once had in the beginning of our relationship?
Here are a Few Key Ways You Can Treat Your Committed Relationship Like a Passionate Love Affair:
1.Send Flirty/Sexy Text Messages
Most affairs have partners that regularly text one another sexy and suggestive messages. This is often their main way of communicating when apart. Sending Pictures. Gifs. Videos. Suggestive and flirty words. The takeaway: Make your partner feel wanted and loved. Surprise them.
2. Talk To Each other
Listen. Talk. Call them on the phone at a random time of the day while driving or running an errand. Let them know they’re on your mind. Random moments of connection keep things surprising and exciting.
The takeaway: Help your partner to feel listened to and appreciated when they least expect it. Surprise them.
3. Go On Fun Dates
Plan a fun, exciting date to somewhere new or unexplored. Get creative. Go to an old place that has meaning from early in your relationship and re-create the occassion. Visit a new place and make a new memory. Think outside the box.
The takeaway: Get out of the rut and do something new to create new memories.
4. Physical Contact
Surprise your partner with a kiss at a random, unexpected time. Hug and kiss them before work/when they arrive home. Sit on the couch and cuddle when you normally sit apart. Affection increases feelings of love.
The takeaway: Show affection more often and in creative ways to build rapport and feelings of connection and love.
5. Get Naked
Affairs are often highlighted by a lot of naked time and sex. So, get physical. Make a blanket fort and play together. Call in sick at work and spend the day in bed. Make breakfast and feed each other. Have sex in a new, exciting place. Get irresponsible a little.
The takeaway: It’s good for your soul and the health of your relationship to focus on desire for one another.
The famous psycho-therapist Esther Perel says, “When we trade passion for stability, are we not merely swapping one fantasy for another?”
The fantasy of a passionate love affair is highlighted by mystery, tantalizing communication, taking risks, and spending time adoring each other.
What do all these ideas have in common? Living in the moment.
Sometimes our regular life responsibilities commands our love life to take a back seat.
If we want to continue to desire one another, we need to ask ourselves… why did we create a life together? How can we focus on that a little more to remember why we’re together in the first place?
Long-term relationships often become comfortable and predictable. We evolve into complacency, security, and forget to explore extraordinary moments with our partners.
“Romantics value intensity over stability. Realists value security over passion. But both are often disappointed, for few people can live happily at either extrememes.” — Esther Perel
Why not embrace a little bit of both extremes and find more balance in your romantic relationship?
Don’t get too secure. Expand and explore. Unwrap the mystery of each other, over and over.
Try something new and exciting. You might have fun and create new memories.
You may even learn something new about the person you love that will keep you in awe and coming back for more.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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