His internal dam has been broken up, but it still stands within him. How does Jonathan Delavan break through the rest?
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You have never felt completely safe in your body… Increasingly, you have come to see your body as an enemy that has to be conquered… When you do not fully own your body, you cannot claim it for an everlasting life. How then do you bring your body home? By letting it participate in your deepest desire to receive and offer love. Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body’s deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body’s superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity. – Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love
In my previous article, I shared how Katy Perry’s “Prismatic” concert acted as a catalyst in my healing process to reconnect with my body and physical senses, but I ended the article just as I started it. The concert was a milestone in my personal journey, but alone, it was not enough. Just as a catalyst may begin a chemical process, its overall effectiveness is dependent on the ingredients and environment it has to work with. A catalyst deprived of quality elements or a conducive environment will quickly fizzle out — if it ever had a chance to be activated at all.
I had an intuitive understanding of this condition in my situation: as amazing and life-changing as that concert was, it would become inconsequential if I did not continue the work it started within me. The metaphorical dam blocking my physical connection may have been cracked open, but it was still standing. Now I had to undergo the more meticulous task of taking it apart piece by piece — a process that continues to this day. Dancing would become the vehicle of this internal work towards reconnection.
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It was grueling difficult work for me, especially near the beginning of each dancing genre.
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I had been taking dancing lessons on-and-off for a few months before that “Prismatic” concert at a local dance studio. However, I was not taking those lessons seriously; in fact, I was taking them just so I could say “I did it” and be done with them for good. Then the concert came and went, and I had a decision to make: use the connections I made at the dance studio to continue my healing in this area, or give into my fears and doubts about enduring this journey and give up before I even began. With much trepidation and courage, I embarked on the former path.
Since then, I’ve attended dances lessons — at first private lessons and then later group classes — at the same studio on a weekly basis. Initially it was only for one lesson a week, then it became two, then three, and then four. Moreover, the types of dance I tried began to increase. I first started with two-step, then went on to waltz and foxtrot, then added west coast swing after months of encouragement, and more recently added rumba to the mix. Next thing I know, I became a bonafide regular there, attending their monthly dance parties and being told I should try amateur dancing competitions!
Now don’t get me wrong, I make it sound like it was all a breeze, but it wasn’t! It was grueling difficult work for me, especially near the beginning of each dancing genre.
I remember internally freaking out as I began to regularly waltz because my hand would usually end up touching the back of my partner’s bra — something I was never used to before and didn’t know how to handle. Or how I completely felt like a fish out of water when met with the fluidity and spontaneity inherent with west coast swing. And how I felt like crying after trying rumba for the first time as my body seemed to ache from practicing “Cuban rhythm” with my hips — not because the dance was too physically demanding, but because tearing down my disconnection like that was also emotionally painful for me to do.
Now, people tell me how physically calm I appear to be, how much confidence I seem to show naturally..
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I never told any of my dance instructors of my internal struggle in detail, but that did not stop them from being so supportive, patient, and enthusiastic with me and my dancing progress. I vividly remember after my first rumba class the instructor — an older man who in my opinion is the poster boy of juvenile extroverts (in a good way) — came up to me and in a somber tone told me how well I did that night. That was a validation I desperately needed to hear at that moment! Then there were the other dance students who would be supportive in their own ways. And whenever newer students would join, they gave me opportunities to be supportive of them, which were equally helpful for me to do.
Over time, I have become truly more comfortable with dancing. This growing affinity and comfort is not from mere muscle memory. I believe it is a sign of how much progress I have made in my reconnection with my body; that the dam is slowly but surely being dismantled piece by piece. Now, people tell me how physically calm I appear to be, how much confidence I seem to show naturally. I’m still shocked when I hear those kinds of compliments, but they are further signs of the progress I have made with myself through dancing.
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How can one reconnect with his or her body? “By letting it participate in your deepest desire to receive and offer love. Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch.”
I included that quote above because it sums up beautifully the deeper practice that dancing offered me. That to reconnect with my very body required me to use it lovingly: to take care of it through healthy eating and exercise, to have it touch other bodies and to let it be touch by others (all appropriately and consensually of course!), to treat my body and those of others with gentleness and respect; in short, using my body as a mode to give and receive loving gestures through touch is how I have come to reconnect with it.
For me, that was most potently done through dance. For others, it is done through running, yoga, weight-lifting, sports, tai chi, swimming, rowing, hiking, mountain climbing, and a multitude of other communal and meditative activities. While I believe there is something special about dancing when it comes to physical and emotional connectivity, it is by no means the only physical channel to express and receive love.
If you struggle with feeling connected or loving towards your body, I hope you are encouraged by my experiences. Bring your body home through an activity that is meaningful to you, find those who are willing to be supportive as your struggle through the process, and you will more than likely be surprised at yourself and your body!
Photo Credit: Anton Kudris /flickr