My boyfriend is an Aquarius. I’m a Scorpio. Astrologists of the world are rolling over in their graves, or slow-motion dropping their coffees in shock: according to most, these two signs are unlikely to have a long term relationship.
Air vs water, rational vs emotional, the list goes on. Despite our differences and lack of astrological blessing, we’ve been together for over five years.
Compatibility isn’t everything.
. . .
Compatibility at first sight is bullshit, frankly. Compatibility means that you work well with someone. That you enjoy each other’s company, have similar views, and are agreeable. But it’s not love.
It is a part of it, for sure. You can’t have love without being compatible, without having an appreciation for each other and wanting to be around each other. But you can have compatibility without love; friendships, acquaintances you spend time with — you may be compatible with all of them.
Once you decide to build a relationship with someone, once you decide to love someone, the rest comes after.
Ted Huston, a professor at the University of Texas claimed that compatibility is often overrated. is research showed that there was no objective difference in compatibility between happy and unhappy couples.
The unhappy ones think compatibility is important to a good marriage — but they don’t think they have it. People overemphasize the effect of personality or values. And they underemphasize the extent to which congenial temperaments aid marriages.
Here’s the thing: for people who believe that love is something that just happens overnight, then the compatibility argument makes sense. If you’re simply falling, and then never thinking about it again, the person you fall for would need to conform to a lot of the same beliefs and ideals, hobbies, and passions as you.
To put it in a non-relationship perspective, it’s the people who find their friends in sixth grade based on proximity and tee-shirt choice, and they’re still friends thirty years later based roughly on those same parameters. Like, it works, but it’s probably not that good.
But love isn’t the simple act of falling in love one day and then coasting for the remainder. Relationships aren’t built like that. Love is a choice every day, to be with someone regardless of differences or difficulties. It’s understanding that you won’t always get along, or have the same perspective. But being okay with it.
. . .
“There is no such thing as a compatible couple,” says Diane Sollee, the founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education.
“All couples disagree about the same things: money, sex, kids, time… it’s really about how you manage your differences. If there is chemistry, then the whole courtship is about convincing yourself and others that you are compatible. But, really, you create compatibility. And then, eventually, maybe in 25 years, you will become soul mates.
There may be things your partner loves that you can’t stand. Hobbies you find interesting that they find boring. Differences in how you want to spend a Sunday morning.
That’s not bad. That’s normal.
You don’t want compatibility in the sense that you want all the same things at the same time; you do each and everything together. You want differences that allow you to teach each other, learn from each other, grow as people.
You don’t meet your person and then just stop changing and evolving. Any healthy relationship will push you to grow alongside someone else. In order for that to happen, there have to be differences. There’s a reason this person was able to reach you in a certain way — they hold a different set of knowledge, they’re here to teach you.
My partner and I share a lot of the same hobbies: cooking, mountain biking, rock climbing, to name a few. But we approach them in vastly different ways. For me, cooking is a means to an end. For him, it’s an art form. For me, mountain biking is a vigorous workout — I focus on the uphill. For him, it’s an adrenaline-filled session intended to push you — he craves the descent. Same coin, different sides.
There’s an enjoyment in seeing things differently than your partner; there’s something to be gained from learning a distinct perspective. Learning how to share a life with someone who does things just a little differently is part of the human experience.
. . .
Building compatibility is a part of a relationship. It doesn’t automatically come with the package, it’s something you have to do yourself.
Building trust, establishing vulnerability, aligning goals, learning, and generating shared interests — these are how you build compatibility. It requires opening yourself up to someone, and thinking about the big picture: imagine yourself in 20, 30 years. Can you see yourself with this person? Can they see themselves with you? Ideally, that’s what you’re working towards, isn’t it? The dream is always big, long-term love.
The pushes and pulls in life, the compromises, and patience, the growth, and education; that’s how you work every day towards a better relationship, towards high compatibility.
Maybe you don’t like the same music. Maybe one’s a night owl and the other is a raging whirl of a morning person. Maybe there’s a cultural difference that seems too big a difference to overcome, or a hobby you don’t enjoy. All of those have the potential to be either an initial turn off or a future opportunity for growth. Good relationships can be destroyed before they begin by an incompatibility in certain areas, rather than seeing how you can work around a difference for the sake of love.
Compatibility isn’t a given. It’s created.
Over time, with effort, with love.
It’s worth it.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Jesse Sewell on Unsplash