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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
A Major Red Flag
There has never been so many outwardly attractive people. One visit to Instagram will pull up an entire ocean of gorgeous strangers. People who don’t just look chiseled and attractive, but also appear to be kind, caring, generous, and sensitive—emotionally attuned in all of the right ways.
So then, why does it feel so hard to find someone who will actually commit to you?
I want to talk about how someone having all of the right qualities on the surface—not just the superficial ones, but even the deep ones—can prove to be a major red flag. And how it is leaving so many of us going from one painful situation to another, never finding the lasting, happy relationship we really want.
I also want to talk about the subtle signs that someone will actually be capable of committing forever.
Perfectly Curated Profiles
When everyone has an online profile in the modern era, suddenly everyone finds themselves running their own personal PR campaign.
A campaign that benefits from tools people never had before: easy-to-use photo editing, the ability to record multiple takes of a video before getting it just right, and text captions curated by ChatGPT—or dare I say, “Matthew AI.”
The result of all of this is that we end up idolizing people.
We put them on this incredible pedestal based on our idea that they represent everything we’ve ever wanted. And it’s not just that we idolize people—we idealize them at the same time.
Idolizing is admiring someone for what we perceive them to be. Idealizing happens when we perceive them to have qualities we don’t even know that they have. We fill in the gaps we can’t see based on our projections of what we want them to be.
It’s a bit like watching a magician at a magic show. If we’ve gone to enjoy the magic, if we want to be entertained, we’re willing participants. In other words, we want to be fooled.
The magician pulls out a deck of cards, and we want to fall for the sleight of hand. We’re not looking for all the ways the magic isn’t real. We’re looking for the ways it’s incredible or inspiring. We fill in the gaps ourselves.
Great Qualities ≠ Great Partner
So we can easily get distracted by the magician saying, “Look over here. This is the interesting part.”
It’s the guy saying, “Look at me. I’m sensitive and kind. I love my dog. I love to travel. I have a degree in this. I’m so smart. Don’t I sound eloquent with all of these things I’m saying?”
And we miss the fact that it’s a distraction from the fact that this person hasn’t actually demonstrated anything about how great a partner they would be.
This is a mistake we make all the time—thinking that someone will be a great partner simply because they have great qualities.
That’s not true. Someone can have great qualities and consistently be a terrible partner to everyone they ever date.
A major frustration for anyone who has ever dated someone who looks like the perfect person online—but knows better because they’ve actually been in a relationship with that person.
Your Last Chance
I had to shoot a last-minute interruption to my own video because so many of you emailed us to say you ran out of time to watch the replay of the Love Life Reset.
We’re extending it by 48 hours. By Monday at midnight, this is going away—and then it really is going away for good.
So many of you said you weren’t finished with it or hadn’t gotten to it yet and just needed a little more time. So we’re giving you 48 hours.
This was a huge event I did this week to help you get back in control of your love life. It’s important for your confidence. It’s important if you over-obsess, over-invest, or struggle with self-doubt in dating or relationships.
The replay is available for 48 more hours. Head to lovelifet.com and watch it before it disappears.
The Story Behind the Story
I’m always looking for the story behind the story—the one being told beneath the outward narrative.
When I see a dad on social media with a viral clip of his day with his child—capturing all these sweet moments and being praised in the comments as the greatest guy ever—it may be true. He may be an incredible dad.
But I can’t help noticing that all of this is playing out in an extremely well-shot way on social media.
So for me, the greatest value being exercised may not be just being a great dad. It may be valuing attention—wanting to be seen as a great dad.
What someone says they value, or portrays themselves as valuing, is not the same as what they actually value.
If you want to know what someone truly values—not what their PR campaign says they value—you have to look at their life.
Look at how they spend their time. Look at who they’re friends with. Look at what they devote most of their energy to. Look at how they make decisions.
That’s their guiding light. Their north star.
People may like or appreciate certain things. That doesn’t mean those things guide them.
If you want to know what actually drives someone, look at how they spend their time, who they spend it with, and how they make decisions.
Driven by Relationships
When I met my wife, Audrey, it was clear to me that she valued relationships.
They were—and still are—the most important thing in her life. Her friends, her family, the people she had invested in for many years.
This was demonstrated by how much she spoke to them. How much she showed up for them. The sacrifices she made with her own time to be there for people. How consistently she invested in her relationships.
She didn’t just talk about valuing connection. She lived it. It was her north star.
When she moved from London to LA, the hardest part wasn’t the city—it was the people she couldn’t be as close to.
That gave me a real sense that she was, at her core, driven by relationships.
Many people say they are. But if you look at their lives, they’re not.
If you want a great relationship, it’s a pretty good idea to choose someone whose north star is relationships.
A Value System We Can Look For
There is a very subtle value system we can look for if we want someone capable of long-term commitment.
Look for someone who values building—and shared history.
Anyone can be attracted in the moment. When we’re attracted, we’ll say anything. We’ll promise forever. We’ll drop everything to spend time together. We’ll travel the world. We’ll rearrange our lives.
But that’s based on how intensely we feel in the moment.
That doesn’t speak to someone’s ability to commit.
Even though, confusingly, when someone is in that state, they’re likely to say all sorts of things that make it sound like they intend to be around forever.
What gives us a more authentic sense of safety is noticing that someone values building something. That they enjoy the idea that, week by week, you are creating something together.
They invest. They add to it. They don’t constantly want to change cities, change homes, change countries, or change partners.
They like to invest where they are. And that applies to their relationships too.
That’s someone we have real safety with—because one of the things they truly value is building on something, not constantly replacing it.
And they value history. They value what has gone before. The story that has been built.
The Person Who Will Commit
Someone who values building something—and values the history you’ve already created—is far less likely to leave when your looks change, when you get older, or when someone shinier or younger comes along.
We sometimes make the mistake of wanting someone who never finds anyone else attractive. But that’s not realistic. Most of us feel temptations or pulls in different directions at times.
What we really want is someone who values the relationship so much—who values the history and the future you’re building together so much—that when those forces arise, the relationship wins.
It wins without doubt.
It’s the person who says, “Yes, I could leave. But why would I give up everything we’ve built and everything we’ve been through together?”
That’s the person we want.
And people show us what they value all the time—if we pay attention.
What so many of us need to get better at is not being constantly distracted by the attractive qualities people portray.
Instead of obsessing over those qualities, we should be asking: What guides this person? What is their north star?
That’s where the real answer lies.
Thanks for watching. I’ll see you next time.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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