For a 40+ male living in Western society, the risks can be greater than at any other time. Long hours in the office, poor health, a growing family, depression and countless other triggers present real dangers to your emotional and physical wellbeing.
Paradoxically, this period also offers some of the greatest opportunities you’ll ever have. Because beneath the struggle and complexity of mid-life lies a deep reservoir of experience, perspective, and knowledge – all of which you can leverage toward a dramatic reinvention.
For now, though, let’s look at some of the problems.
The Male Midlife Crisis
The challenge for a lot of men tends to centre on maximising the remaining years rather than the end of their life. It’s a time when adults (but men especially) become conscious of their mortality. For most, it is confronted when something prompts attention to life’s limitations, such as:
- Physical changes as a result of ageing
- Health issues, particularly around lack of energy and loss of libido
- The empty nest syndrome
- Losing a loved one – either through divorce or death
Other causes of grief can trigger men to stop and reflect back on the type of life they have lived so far, like the realisation that their lifespan has reached a midpoint. Consequently, any unrealized goals or self-perceptions create conflicts and dissatisfaction within themselves at a deep emotional level (Gerzon, 1996).
The burden of looking after children and parents is common during midlife. Many men feel a sense of loss from the decline in youthfulness and the loss of past roles and responsibilities. The transition to midlife is often characterised by a shift in schedule or one’s sense of time. It results in most men reflecting on the extent to which their lives have met earlier expectations, the decisions made and their future prospects. And although the transition to midlife does not have to entail misfortune, for some men it develops into a crisis.
Sometimes, transitions such as andropause, unemployment, and children growing up and leaving home can trigger a crisis, so it’s more precise to relate midlife crisis to a psychological occurrence rather than a chronological event. Classic responses in this phase can include splurging on expensive cars, changing of jobs and divorce. Men seek out novelty and adventure instead of self-knowledge. Midlife affects overall happiness, job satisfaction and work/life balance (Margolies, 2013).
Happiness Does Return
According to new research findings, happiness is U-shaped and the worst years in males tend to be the early 40s. There is a decrease towards the early 40s, following by an increase to a peak between ages 55 and 70. At middle age, the burdens of life tend to be heaviest and are most often linked to work. Work/life balance is difficult to achieve because we tend to be working harder than ever. Time is also limited and financial resources stretched (Emslie, 2009).
Many males will reassess their accomplishments relative to earlier dreams. As a result, they will often make considerable changes in their career, finances, romantic relationships, work/life balance, marriage, or physical appearance. This anxiety over their current achievements usually causes a period of depression that can be debilitating. A survey conducted on 1,500 British men on behalf of socked.co.uk, found out that about 10% of the respondents suffered major bouts of depression as they accepted their mortality (Emslie, 2009).
Impulse Behaviours
Around 30% of the British male respondents revealed a noticeable change in behaviour when coming to terms with ageing, resulting in impulse purchases on motorbikes and sports cars, divorces and embracing atypical hobbies such as bungee jumping and skydiving. Some sought new wives or commissioned plastic surgery in an effort to recapture their youthfulness (Sheehy, 1998).
Problems frequently exhibited include irritability, impotence, or erectile dysfunction, fatigue, loss of sex drive, muscle and joint stiffness, weight gain, dry skin, night sweats, hair loss and a weak immune system. According to two surveys conducted on middle-aged Australian men, erectile dysfunction is a common condition. Another study in The Lancet, a British medical journal concluded that erectile dysfunction is a common problem that affects at least one in five men above 40 years, rising to about two in every three men over 70.
Stress factors ultimately affect work/life balance as most seek novelty and self-satisfaction. However, at this point in their lives, men have the best ability to become masters of their fate. They need only open their mind to knowledge that will help them improve in their roles as fathers, husbands, and to be true to themselves with their own values and expression, be they influential, creative, spiritual or collaborative (Emslie, 2009).
In this air of uncertainty, many are concerned about ageing, fading of athletic prowess and physical strength and their fear of losing their jobs. Other than that, they envy their empowered working wives and wish to connect better with their children. Their preretirement anxieties and the whole subject of potency reappear time and again. Linear reasoning is prone to direct men to think they will be happy once they have achieved certain milestones. However, when titles and material accomplishments fail to give joy and meaning at the midpoint of their lives, men become angry, confused, frustrated, and ashamed. This trickles down to their performance at work with most engaging in self-destructive behaviours (Levinson, 1978).
Such men feel trapped in a lifestyle that they deem as limiting, which is stimulated by a heightened awareness of time running out. They find themselves in a life that they consider inauthentic and empty. Most males feel pressure to get away and may frantically grasp at any opportunity for pleasure and vitality. Sometimes their performance or sexual habits change and they become embarrassed to the extent of pulling away from any form of intimacy (The Joy, 2010).
A Healthier Approach
Instead of outward rebellion, life mastery and self-exploration are what’s required. Self-perceptions internalised over past years need to be reviewed and constraints tested. According to D. Levinson (Season’s of a Man’s Life, 1978), the development of natural midlife in men brings out awareness of past unexpressed needs as well as elements of the self which they may feel as an uncertain sense of something absent or wrong.
Men who in earlier years didn’t have support for the development of their identity misinterpret their internal cues as an indication of a fatal mistake, thus creating an impulse to break out.
An indispensable developmental marker for men in midlife is to create a distinction between their self-identity and both family and societal expectations. For a healthy separation and development of an independent sense of self, adaptive risk-taking, and constrained rebellion should be facilitated (Levinson, 1978). It is also paramount to establish a balance between work and life. In Europe for example, Britons work the longest hours yet their levels of job satisfaction are reported as the lowest. Men should not succumb to the demands of an ‘always-on’ workplace by compromising their relationships or personal lives due to fear of losing their jobs. It is imperative to reduce working hours and spend ample time with family and friends (Gerzon, 1996).
Ultimately, the midlife transition can lead to growth or devastation. Crisis or an unconscious development that compels change is created when a perceived dead-end is met head on. Millions of men who have been through this phase can testify that on the other end of the transition, there is a new perspective and intense satisfaction. It is always important to explore all avenues and ask for help when the need arises instead of suffering in silence. Life is precious, uncertain and it can begin at any age.
The Glorious Upside
Shit. OK, now let’s look at the upside.
First of all, most of the things you worry about have solutions. Some are uncomfortable. Most are simpler than you think. Indeed, many things that keep you awake at night can be solved by learning and then believing you don’t have to stay on this path. You can reinvent your life. You really CAN blaze your own trail.
And critically, despite the fact you cannot create a fully-formed trail overnight, simply starting on the journey lifts the veil of darkness, removes the weight on your shoulders and reveals a light just ahead that will guide you down this new path. Knowing you can change your life is everything.
So where do you begin? Like all great journeys, with the destination – the outcome. How do you want your life to work? Given the choice, the means and the power, what would your Tuesdays look like? What will your time on this planet mean to you when it comes to a close? You know that time will come, right? What burdens, distractions, time-wasting activities and mindless crap are you prepared to lose in support of your new life? Who will you serve? What knowledge, gifts and passions will you share?
These questions are existential, yes. They need to be answered, too. Think about them in an honest and practical way. All of them have tangible answers that are uniquely yours and will reveal themselves if you invest the time to give them considered thought. For me, they became crystalised when I finally sat down and gave them an honest appraisal. Here are some of the ideas I developed for myself.
- Success for me is living authentically, doing work that matters to me, serving my family and having the time, the resources and the freedom to live fully and experience the magic of my brief time on earth.
- When I do what I care about, that equals freedom.
- Success is much more a state of being than an accomplishment.
- Be present wherever I am.
- Work hard but not too much.
- Do just one thing at a time.
- Live more with less and abandon the relentless pursuit of more.
- Think in terms of outcomes.
- Allow myself to be happy.
- Connect with family as often as possible.
- Treat my body with respect.
- Make a difference in people’s lives.
Your life is created by your thoughts because they form your beliefs and decision matrix, which inform your actions and your habits. For more on developing great habits, you could do a lot worse than reading some of the great articles by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits. Most of the time we’re too busy to think clearly but now more than ever, you should. Reinventing your life involves deep questions and they deserve the time to receive your own unique answers.
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This article originally appeared on Midlife Tribe
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