The Three Pillars of Change

I recently heard a public health expert talk about the three pillars of change, giving the example of how smoking — particularly in public spaces — was tackled in the U.S. The first pillar was policy, that is, making laws about where people can and can’t smoke. The second pillar was education, public campaigns to let people know smoking causes cancer. And the third was help, providing resources for those who wanted to quit.

In terms of narcissistic abuse and relational trauma, I think these three pillars apply as well. But let’s look at them in reverse, because, frankly, policy is lagging far behind the other two right now.

Pillar One, HELP: I think this pillar is emerging in tandem with Pillar Two, Education. Both therapists and professional coaches are starting to become more aware of the incredibly toxic impact of narcissistic abuse, and seeking advanced training in the area.

But I say starting to become more aware, because this is by no means solid in either profession. Unfortunately there are still way too many therapists and coaches who are applying an outdated understanding of relationship dynamics to their couples counseling and/or work with individuals struggling with relationship issues. This outdated understanding says that all issues are co-created and each partner must take responsibility for their part. For example, I recently heard of a therapist who, in couples counseling, asked the abused partner “What is your role in contributing to his angry outbursts?”

While at some point in the process, it can be helpful for the target of abuse to explore their own patterns, the support they need for most of it is to be believed, listened to, understood, and to have help rebuilding their core. This sort of therapy and/or coaching requires that the professional be well-grounded in deep understanding of the area. When seeking help, it’s critical that you ask about advanced training and experience, and do not assume that because they have counseling or coaching credentials they can help you with relational trauma.

Pillar Two, EDUCATION: In order for people to move on and move forward from narcissistic abuse, it is beyond helpful to understand the red flags, types, patterns and even vocabulary of the arena. Additionally, more education about narcissism can help people identify what they are looking at sooner, and thus (ideally) not get trapped in a toxic relationship, workplace, or friendship in the first place. There is some concern that the word “narcissist” is currently being over-used, but from what I can see, there is still much more to be done in the area of public education at many levels.

Pillar Three, POLICY: As I mentioned, this pillar is lagging far behind the others, but there is hope. In 2015, Britain and Wales became the first nations in the world to criminalize controlling behavior, and legislatures across the United States are passing laws that include explicit references to coercive control as well.

Still, as anyone who has had to divorce a narcissist or try to get a restraining order knows, in general, the laws are not yet up to speed on how abusive and manipulative their behavior tends to be. And it’s important to note that in many and countries and U.S. states, there is nothing at all on the books as of 2023.

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As I write this, I find myself wondering if they are three pillars or more of a Venn diagram? Each of these areas informs the other. Individuals not only need help, they need education and policy support as well. Society needs adequate policies that are informed by education. Those of us working to educate hope that our offerings provide both help and move society forward through policy as well.

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This post was previously published on butnowiknowyourname.wordpress.com and is republished on Medium.

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