I did it again last week.
A good friend texted, “Haven’t heard from you in a while. Everything okay?”
My chest tightened. I stared at the screen. I felt a sudden, overwhelming urge to throw my phone across the room.
Instead, I typed a quick, “All good! Just crazy busy 😅” and left it on read.
It was a lie. I wasn’t busy. I was drowning. And I had just pushed away the very person offering a life raft.
Sound familiar?
It Rarely Looks Like a Shove
We imagine pushing people away as a dramatic, angry scene. Slamming doors. Harsh words.
But usually, it’s quiet. It’s a slow retreat.
It’s the text you don’t reply to. The invitation you politely decline. The conversation you keep surface-level.
It’s death by a thousand polite withdrawals.
The Real Reason Isn’t What You Think
It’s easy to call it self-sabotage. But that’s just the behavior. The why runs much deeper.
It’s not that we don’t want love. It’s that we’re terrified of it.
True care, the kind that sees you, is terrifying. It shines a light on all the parts of yourself you’ve tried to hide.
When someone is genuinely kind, it challenges the story you might be holding onto: that you are unworthy. That you are too much. That you are broken.
It’s easier to push them away than to face the terrifying possibility that they might be right. And that you might have to change that story.
The Fear of Inevitable Loss
For some of us, this is the core wound.
We learned early that to love something is to eventually lose it. The pain of that loss was so profound that our wiring changed.
Our subconscious makes a brutal calculation: The pain of pushing them away now is less than the unbearable pain of losing them later.
So we end it ourselves. We create the rejection we fear to somehow feel in control of it.
It’s a heartbreaking form of self-protection.
The Weight of Their Belief
There’s another, quieter fear.
When someone truly believes in you, it adds weight. Their hope becomes a thing you could disappoint.
It feels easier to be with people who expect nothing. There’s no risk of failing them.
Letting in someone who cares means facing the potential of letting them down. And sometimes, that feels worse than letting ourselves down.
So, How Do We Stop?
First, by noticing the impulse without judgment.
See the urge to cancel plans. Notice the desire to give a vague answer. That moment is a choice point.
Take a breath. Ask yourself one honest question:
“Am I pulling away because I don’t want this connection? Or because I’m scared of it?”
The answer is almost always the latter.
Then, try a tiny act of courage.
Reply to the text with a sliver of truth. “Honestly, it’s been a tough week. Thanks for checking in ❤️”
Let them in just one inch. See what happens.
Most of the time, they won’t run. They’ll step closer.
True connection requires vulnerability. It’s the terrifying, beautiful risk of letting someone see you, and choosing to believe them when they say you’re worth staying for.
The people who care are the anchor in the storm. Don’t cut the line just because you’re afraid of the waves.
Did you see yourself in this? You’re not alone.
- Clap if you’ve ever pushed someone away to protect yourself.
- I’d really love to hear your experience in the comments below. No judgment.
- Follow for more raw takes on the messy, beautiful work of being human.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
