The Undiscovered Life

Contemplating suicide, Hamlet said:

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

My acupuncturist Dr. Pan told me that 2 students from the prestigious private college prep school that his daughters attended died of suicide. They were just kids. I said, “That’s so sad.” Maybe, those students succumbed to the pressure of not getting into Harvard or Yale, the pressure of their parents, or their own self-imposed pressure. That’s so tragically sad when someone chooses the undiscovered country over the undiscovered life ahead.

With all due mad respect to William Shakespeare, conscience doesn’t make cowards of us all. Our conscience can be the possibility of the undiscovered life, inventing the greater-than versions of ourselves. I invent my greater-than versions in working with my therapist Lance Miller, in Aikido training, in meditation, and in writing about loving and forgiving thine own self in The Good Men Project. I love and forgive myself. I practice that over, and over, and over, and over again. Just train.

Although I never contemplated suicide in the abyss of my clinical depression, I would go to sleep at night praying that I would die before I awoke the next morning. I get it, when the fear of living in suffering is greater than the fear of dying. That can become a treacherous path that no one returns from.

A few years ago, my dear friend Grant died of suicide. At the time, I had no idea how profoundly he suffered inside. We spoke about a couple months before he passed away. Grant provided humorous and valuable dating advice for using Match dot com. He was hilarious and seemed happy.

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In retrospect, I got it. Grant faked it. In the past, I too had faked happiness so that I wouldn’t burden others, especially those I love. Still, I hurt deep inside, much like Grant did. Sadly, Grant couldn’t or wasn’t able to ask for help. That’s on me, too. Rest in Peace, my Brother. “And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.”

In 2021 according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 48,183 people died of suicide. That is 1 death every 11 minutes. 12.3 million adults seriously thought about suicide. 3.5 million adults planned suicide. 1.7 million adults attempted suicide. Between 2000 -2021, suicide rates increased about 36%. In 2021, suicide was the 11th leading cause of death in the US. Tragically, many chose the undiscovered country.

In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. We get the truth in that. The Second Noble Truth is the source of suffering. My abusive childhood was my source of suffering. Growing up at home, Dad scared me to my very soul. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry at me. I was never good enough for Dad. I would never be good enough for anyone, including me.

The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering. On the path, the late Mizukami Sensei taught me Aikido for 25 years. Sensei taught me what it is to be a good man, to be of service, and make a difference. Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” For the first time in my life, I was free to be me. I was free to invent the greater-than versions of myself.

Mizukami Sensei taught Ishibashi Sensei and me. Now, Ishibashi Sensei is my Sensei. Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” In Aikido, the 250-pound man comes to punch me. I wait it out. I enter the attack, enter what I fear, and die with honor. I match the attack in my attack. If I defend, I can be defeated. I take a glancing blow if I have to. I’m not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.

In the center of the attack, in the danger, I apply the Aikido technique to myself whether that’s yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the head) or kotegaeshi (wristlock) on the attacker. Aikido Founder Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me.

Every time I enter the attack, enter what I fear, I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although that fear inside may never completely disappear, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I free me.

In working with my therapist Lance Miller, I enter my fear that I’ll never be good enough, the fear I got from Dad when I was a little boy. I learned to love and forgive myself. I practice that over, and over, and over, and over again.

The late NBA Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant said, “Failure excites me.” When I fail that doesn’t mean that I suck, that I’m not good enough. Failure defines what I have to work on next. Failure defines what’s possible. I succeed or fail, and grow from both. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. In the Japanese proverb: Nana korobi ya oki. Fall down seven times, get up eight. I get back up whenever I fall, whenever I fail. Just train. Keep moving forward. Keep my heart open. My heart is true. Magokoro.

I always have something to work on and something to give up to be the greater-than version of myself. On the path to end suffering, I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. Time is undefeated. My time will come to a close. Still, I choose the undiscovered life. I choose a good, meaningful life. Amen.