“Someone just emailed me saying she found me through your Medium post…I read it again and again, smiling the whole time. This is the best summary of my book I’ve ever seen. So well-written. You really have a knack for writing. Thanks again for posting it.”
I smiled.
Warm, fuzzy feelings bubbled up inside.
The email came from Derek Sivers — my favourite writer. Noelle wrote to him after she’d read one of my articles. Derek thanked her and then reached out to me.
With a few thoughtful words, he expressed his gratitude. He showed up. He made me feel heard.
He displayed the “unsexy” trait.
…
A word on my girlfriend
She’s beautiful — inside and out. Her dazzling smile gets me every time. As I’ve got to know her better, something else has become clear.
She has this “unsexy” trait in abundance.
And it’s my kryptonite.
Take our texts. Every morning, I wake up to a WhatsApp message. It carries on a conversation we’ve been having for 13 months.
It’s predictable. It’s comforting. And when flakey people are a dime a dozen, it’s sexy as hell.
Hollywood doesn’t make films about this. About being reliable. It’s “not sexy”. It doesn’t get the blood pumping. We associate it with old cars and safety gear.
But for those of us lucky enough to have found love, reliability is a cornerstone.
And it’s a huge turn-on.
A note of caution, though. Being reliable is more than just showing up. It’s showing up with intention.
How you can flick the reliable switch
#1: Be there for others — physically and emotionally
My friend May tells the story of one of her friends. About half her friend group moved house last year…
“And we realized Derek would always be the first to offer to help.
“He wouldn’t say, ‘Let me know if you need help.’ Instead, he would insist, ‘I’ve cleared my Saturday and borrowed my dad’s truck. What time should I come?’”
🟢 Actionable steps: Try to anticipate the needs of others and be intentional about wanting to help. For example, if you have a sick friend, you might offer to walk their dog or pick up medication.
#2: Be intentional with your time
“Let’s talk about that when we’re on the main road. I want to know all the details!”
I turned the corner and smiled.
My friend Bridget has a wonderful knack for guiding conversations. Her attention is like a soft, hazy light. She opens me up to deeper topics. I tell her everything.
But she only engages when she’s able to.
🟢 Actionable steps: Steer conversations. Go deep with someone, but only when you can concentrate. Take your time. Let chatter breathe and meander.
#3: Only say something when you’ve got something worth saying
I love Derek’s emails. They’re short and to the point, and he only emails when he’s got something worth sharing.
He’s intentional.
For this reason, his email subscribers may go months without hearing from him.
This goes against convention. Many writers and entrepreneurs say you should be pumping out as much content as you can.
I disagree.
🟢 Actionable steps:
“Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful.
If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.”
— Bernard Meltzer, radio host
#4: Remember the details
“How are you feeling, Scott?!!”
Bridget’s message greeted my inbox. I was meeting my now-girlfriend for the first time. She remembers things like this.
She’s an amazing friend.
🟢 Actionable steps: Kind messages go a long way. Check-in with friends. If you remember important moments, you’ll be loved for it.
#5: Bring positive intent
“Goldfinnngerrr!”
We were both wetting ourselves.
Sharing in-jokes about Alan Patridge is one thing. Being able to make someone laugh till their sides hurt is something else.
This is a gift my flatmate Adam has.
🟢 Actionable steps: Crack jokes and look on the bright side. Said jokes don’t have to land if you can make yourself laugh.
…
Takeaways
Our culture worships three types of people:
- Healthy people
- Wealthy people
- Healthy and wealthy people
Something that’s far sexier is reliability.
Being reliable isn’t enough. You’ve got to be intentional. When you are, it’s a huge turn-on for others.
Here’s a quick summary of how you can flick the switch:
#1: Be there for others — physically and emotionally — Anticipate the needs of others and show up.
#2: Be intentional with your time —Nudge conversations in thoughtful directions.
#3: Only say something when you’ve got something worth saying — People will want to listen.
#4: Remember the details — Check in with friends for important moments. You’ll be loved.
#5: Bring positive intent — Not all your jokes will land, but that doesn’t matter if they make you laugh.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Caleb George on Unsplash
