Sometimes we meet a person we like, so we date. A while goes by and we seem to hit it off. We really like this person. It feels like we could have a future with them. So we wonder, do they feel the same?
We muster up some courage to have the dreaded “define the relationship” talk. And then the worst-case scenario happens. They don’t feel the same way.
Sure, they like us, but not enough to have a committed relationship with us… yet.
Well, ouch.
Here is where we can easily fall into the trap of waiting for someone to get on the same page we are.
The problem with waiting is, it might never happen. And also, if it happens, we still won’t be on the same page. There is always one person a few steps ahead of the other. This leads to heartbreak most of the time.
To know where we have each other and that we feel the same way about each other. From there, sure, we handle things differently, but being on the same emotional page is like always returning to the root of the relationship.
This way we can grow together. Waiting might just make us grow more apart.
It can also lead to a lot of resentment.
Sometimes people just don’t feel the same way. They don’t have any bad intentions, it just happens. We can’t like everybody. But sometimes this “waiting game” can come from a very narcissistic place. The person can use it to play with us like a doll. When they feel like it, they pick the doll down from the shelf and play. When done, they put it back up.
The person might even think it’s okay since we don’t seem to mind playing along.
We come from the belief that when they see how amazing we are, and how well we treat them, they will commit to us. What a recipe for disaster. We put our value on how another person views us. And if they end up not committing, we make is a story about how something must be wrong with us.
Again, this is heartbreaking.
But it’s up to each and every one of us to re-evaluate our worth. Is it worth sticking around waiting for someone we might potentially end up with? Or could it be better to release ourselves from the hooks and choose a different partner?
We grow up getting fed the message that love by itself is enough. That only loving someone will fix all the issues we have with our partners. Do we forget to ask ourselves at what cost are we loving someone? Are we putting our own desires in the background? Do we tell ourselves that it’s perfectly okay to wait for someone, even though, deep down, it’s not true? This is self-gaslighting. And it will lead to self-resentment.
There are many people out there that are more than willing to do what is necessary to have a relationship with us.
If we keep standing in our own way by keeping a spot open for that one little f*cker that is refusing to occupy it, we will never get what we desire.
Now I know what some are thinking, we all have different relationship styles and we all attach differently. Of course, we do, but when seeing someone, it would be wise to be on the same page emotionally. Some of us have a hard time with commitment or with intimacy. It doesn’t mean the feelings are not there, it just means we might have to approach it differently. In these cases, it is crucial to be honest with ourselves about what feels in alignment with our values and desires.
Some might realize they are beyond ready for commitment and being with a person scared of commitment will only leave them anxious all the time.
Others may choose to continue the relationship and let it take time because that feel right.
We might even decide that we should be friends instead. This way, the relationship doesn’t end, but it changes.
Choose wisely.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
